Frankie: Can I just say I think Brick rocked his confirmation?
Axl: Yeah, you did way better than me on the Apostles' Creed. [Sue chuckles]
Mike: Since you thought it was about Apollo Creed, I'd say the bar was pretty low.
Sue: I am so glad we are all gonna be together in Heaven.
Axl: Not if I freeze your head.
Sue: Axl, do not start talking about freezing my head again. We are all gonna be in Heaven together.
Axl: Yeah, me, Mom, Dad, Brick, and your headless body.

Frankie: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! See, this is why Brick would rather live with the Fergusons. They're probably at a classical concert in a park right now eating fancy cheese out of a basket, not trying to freeze each other's body parts.
Brick: I don't want to live with the Fergusons.
Frankie: You don't?
Brick: I've been thinking about it, and they're actually kind of boring. You guys make life interesting. Besides, no great author ever came from a functional family. You people are gonna make great characters in my book someday.

Frankie: [v.o.] So I ran into Reverend Hayver at the Frugal Hoosier.
Mike: Nothing good ever comes after that sentence.
Frankie: [sighs] Yeah, well, he not-so-subtly reminded me that we never had Brick confirmed. We were supposed to have him confirmed two years ago, Mike. In the eyes of God, that's pretty bad.
Brick: Well, I seem to be fine so far.
Mike: That's debatable. So, did you push him off?
Frankie: Well, I tried to, but he cornered me, and I started making up excuses. "Oh, I was sick." "There was a whole thing with my mom." Look, I went down a road, and long story short, there's a ceremony next week, and Brick's doin' it.
Brick: What?! I'm not prepared! How am I gonna learn all that stuff in a week? You stopped driving me to Sunday school. You told me to watch 15 minutes of Hour of Power and let you sleep.
Frankie: Don't worry. I got ahead of it. I already called Reverend TimTom. Now, he doesn't do privates, but we're in luck 'cause this week he's hosting the Wilderness Jesus Jam.
Brick: You lost me at "wilderness." [Frankie sighs]

Sue: Okay, look, you know I would never break a confidence, but I'm gonna break my no-confidence-breaking rule just this once and confide in you 'cause I think our friend really needs our help. I think Lexie hasn't been herself lately because...
Brad: She's crushing on Axl.
Sue: How did you know that? Oh, please, every time he comes over to do laundry, she wears that top that shows off her shoulders. Plus, she does that move where she piles her hair up and lets it fall, like... Nobody takes that many tries to put their hair up. She knows where her hair is.
Sue: Wow. That is impressive! Your straight-dar is really good.
Brad: Practically a superpower. That's how I know you have feelings... [whispering] for Sean Donahue.
Sue: What?! First of all, shut up. I do not. And second of all, how did you know that?
Brad: Anytime someone mentions his name, you get this goofy smile on your face. Whenever he came to your house in high school, you took your retainer out. And you told me you liked him that night we tried wine.
Sue: Okay, well, that's a conversation for when we're old enough to drink wine.

Sue: Right now we need to focus on Lexie 'cause she needs some serious cheering-up.
Brad: You've come to the right place.
Sue: Mm-hmm.
Brad: What level are we talking about?
Sue: Well, she tried to flirt with Axl over spring break, and he doesn't even know she's alive. I mean, think about it, the girl's gotten everything she's ever wanted in her whole life, and the one thing she can't have is Axl? [shudders] That's pretty sad.
Brad: Wow. That is sad. No question we got to go big.

Reverend TimTom: All right, happy campers, grab a bunk, and let's get our Bible on.
Brick: Uh...
Blake: I was here first.
Brick: No, I believe I was here first. Would you mind taking the bottom bunk? I'm scared of enclosed spaces.
Blake: Well, I'm scared of being crushed in a bizarre bunk accident.
Brick: Great. Now I'm scared of that, too, which means I've got the enclosed spaces plus your thing, so...

Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] It's the Wilderness Jesus Jam We'll learn about God and how beavers build dams We'll eat loaves and catch fishes Then clean up our dishes 'Cause bears eat kids and clergymen "Don't put your God to the test" Jesus said to the devil in the wilderness Don't forget to pack bug spray, Bibles, and Bactine And always go to the bathroom downstream That's important.

Reverend TimTom: Okay, we're back from our bathroom break and ready to play some more Jesus Jeopardy. Once again, our categories are... "Saint or Sinner?" "Diseases of the Bible," "Potent Parables," and "Who Begat Whom?" Whoever wins this round gets the staff of Moses. [chuckling] Now, that's not gonna help you to part the Red Sea, but it will snag you 30 minutes of computer time. All websites to be approved by yours truly. All righty. Brick is in the lead and sniffing victory, but Kevin has control of the board.
Kevin: Uh, I'll take "Saint or Sinner?" for $300.
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] He was one of the guests at Jesus' last dinner But he dined and dashed [talks] Was he a saint or a sinner?
Kevin: He was a sinner, and who is Judas?
Reverend TimTom: "Judas" is correct!

Kevin: Uh, I'll take "Diseases of the Bible" for $600.
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] Give him a hand and a foot and a knee It's not a new way to clap You've got...
Brick: Leprosy!
Reverend TimTom: That is correct, Brick, and seeing as our time is up, with 2,000 points, you are our reigning champion.
Blake: But... he didn't answer in the form of a question.
Brick: Oh, I'm sorry. Who is holding Moses' staff? "Who" is me.
Blake: Who is a cheater? "Who" is you.
Brick: Okay, permission to drop the "Who is" structure 'cause I think it's kind of run its course. I'm not a cheater!

Mike: When's Brick getting home?
Frankie: I think tomorrow. [door opens]
Mike: There he is!
Frankie: Hey!
Mike: How was the Jesus Jam?
Brick: It was good. I learned about the plague of boils, I memorized the Apostles' Creed, and participated in some rather ribald nighttime bunk chat, where I was informed that third base is quite a bit further than I thought. [Frankie coughs] But... you're never gonna believe who I met.
[After the doorbell rings, Frankie opens the door:]
Anna: How dare you let your son tell our son they were switched at birth!