Frankie: [v.o.] Halloween is a night of surprises, all right. Sue got her kiss. Axl didn't. Brick found someone who understood him. And Mike and I... Well, let's just say that we had some honest to goodness fun... Until the cops came.
[When Mike and Frankie run up to their house, they find it covered in toilet paper]
Mike: We lost the heat.
Aunt Edie: Well, it's late. We need to be going. Strange. Not one trick-or-treater this year. Well, no wonder. It snowed.
Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, I have to say, Halloween this year turned out to be pretty groovy. I guess on the night of the first snow, anything can happen.

Frankie: [v.o.] Out here in the middle, Halloween's huge. The trick-or-treating, the costumes. But our favorite thing is the night we all get together as a family to carve pumpkins.
Frankie: Why am I the only one carving a pumpkin? Why do we even do this anymore if they don't appreciate it?
Mike: Same reason we keep feeding 'em. Habit.
Brick: I'm ready to carve.
Frankie: There ya go. At least somebody's in the... [Brick holds up a large carving knife] Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Mike: Okay! Why don't we trade? You hold the marker, and I'll take the giant knife.

Frankie: That does sound rockin', but who's gonna take Brick trick-or-treating now that Dad and I have a very fun, keep your mind open, costume party to go to? Just think about it.
Axl: Yeah, I guess I could bring him if you want. You like severed fingers?
Brick: Who doesn't?
Frankie: You don't. Okay. Dad I will take you trick-or-treating before we go to the party. I'll get the aunts to come over and hand out candy. They're old. They like kids again.

Sue: Well, unless Brick wants to go trick or treating with me... [Brick shakes his head at Frankie]
Frankie: Hey, you know, there is always the church team group. I think there are doing a Hallowing hayride this year.
Sue: Oh yeah?
Frankie: [v.o.] Whenever there is a exiting event for kids, The church always offers an... "alternative."
[flashback to a bunch of bored teens calling in the new year in a sparsely decorated hall:]
Kids: Three... Two... One... Happy New Year. [blows party whistle]
[present:]
Frankie: A Holy Hayride. That could be really fun.
Sue: The new year's thing was fun, so... Okay.
Brick: Thank you.

Darrin: Hey. I thought you were gonna get a date for me. Are we picking her up later?
Axl: Oh. Yeah. Uh... Do you have a date for my friend?
Michelle: No.
Axl: Sorry, dude. I tried.
Sean: Are you sure this is where the directions said to go?
Axl: The tweet said to turn left onto the dirt road after the seventh barn.
Darrin: But we passed, like, 100 barns.
Axl: Well, maybe if you were a better barn counter, we wouldn't be lost right now.

Bob: [British accent] 'ello, 'ello, blokes. Anybody call for a chimney sweep?
Mike: Jeez.
Frankie: Hi, bob! You look so cute.
Bob: You look so cute!
Frankie: Oh.
Bob: So you couldn't talk crabby pants into the vest, huh?
Mike: Bob, aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating?
Bob: Oh, it's not for me. I just donate all the candy to the sick kids in the hospital.
Mike: Mm-hmm. You got a little chocolate on your face there.
Bob: Oh. Hey, listen, big man. I just shotgunned three Pixy Stix. You do not wanna mess with me! [laughs]

Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. That is a lot of toilet paper you got there.
Boy: Yeah. Yeah, uh, my mom asked me to get it for her.
Mike: Oh, wow, what a nice kid you are, going shopping for your mom on Halloween Instead of running around pulling pranks and causing trouble.
Boy: Um...
Mike: I'm gonna call the police right now and recommend you for some kind of plaque or somethin'.
[The boys drop their bag of toilet paper and run off]
Mike: [off Frankie's look] What?
Frankie: Nothin'. You wanna be a Halloween narc, that's fine with me.
Mike: So I should've just let 'em T.P. some house, so the poor family has to clean up 32 rolls of toilet paper in the morning?
Frankie: Whatever.
Mike: Come on, Brick.
Frankie: Well, don't just leave it there. This is 3-ply. This is coming with us.

Reverend TimTom: I know that Halloween can be kinda scary, but you know what's even scarier? Just being a teen in this crazy world, huh? But there's no judgment in God's yearbook. You're all voted "Most likely to dance." Grab a partner, and let's get ready to rock.
[As Sue places her drink down, all the other kids pair off]
Reverend TimTom: Hey, Sue Heck. I could use a tambourine player.
[Reverend TimTom throws the tambourine to Sue, but she fails to catch it. She picks it up off the floor.]
Sue: Got it. I got it!
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] Dress like a devil? Dress like a ghoul? Jesus don't mind He's pretty cool Dress like a playa, dress like a ref? One year I dressed like Gandhi and collected for UNICEF A-hey, hey, Halloween? Well, it's Halloween, and by the way It's really all saints' day [talks] That's too fast, Sue Heck. That's a little too slow. Hey, you know what? What do you say I just follow you?

Frankie: [v.o.] Axl's plan to scare the girls was working, especially now that they were lost.
Michelle: I'm scared.
Denise: Me, too.
Axl: If you're scared, come a little closer, huh?
Michelle: I'm serious. This road reminds me of that story.
Darrin: What story?
Michelle: It was, like, ten years ago. There were these teenagers in a car on their way up to that abandoned drive-in on Route 4, and they disappeared. Then, like, years later, a farmer was plowing his field, and he found a shallow grave with a bunch of chopped-up teenagers in it. But when they finally counted up all the body parts, there was an extra head... With no body!
Darrin: But they were okay, right? [car gets stuck]
Michelle: No, Darrin. No. No.

Paula Norwood: Great job, Frankie! Now save that. We're making caramel apples later. Wanna go next, Mike?
Frankie: Don't worry. He's doesn't. [Mike pulls out a roll of kitchen paper]
Paula Norwood: Hey, I finally get it! You're the Brawny guy!
Frankie: Oh, sorry. We're a hippie... And Mike.