Mike: Look, this whole conversation is pointless because nobody's getting divorced.
Frankie: Don't be so sure. You know why they want to live with you. 'Cause they know nothing about you.
Mike: Huh.
Frankie: No, I'm serious. What do we really know about him? Hmm? Once a week he eats sardines on crackers and he likes the Colts. Don't you see what's happening here? He's winning because he's silent. He's a statue. I'm the one who tells him, "Go talk to your son. See how your daughter likes college." He's a puppet. I'm just sticking my hand up there and making him talk. I'm Wayland Flowers and he's Madame.
Kids: Who?
Frankie: The ventriloquist on the Hollywood Squares.
Sue: What's Hollywood Squares?
Axl: What's a ventriloquist?
Frankie: Okay, I'm the one who's always done everything for you. I wiped your noses. I wiped your butts. [scoffs] You know what? Go ahead. You want to live with your dad, live with your dad. But guess what. He doesn't like to shop, so all that stuff you're eating right there, I'm just gonna take it away. Yep. That's right. This is what it's like living with your dad. Sardines and silence. So, that's what you guys want, well, then you can be... April. [chuckling] Hey. Just serving the family breakfast. Kind of a Monday morning tradition. [chuckles] Here you go. Here you go, sweetheart.

Frankie: I'm just saying, you're only gonna see me on weekends and every other Christmas, so you better get used to it.
Axl: Oh, my God. Is she really still talking about this hypothetical divorce?
Frankie: Yes, she is. I was really hurt. You know, when your kids are teenagers, everyone says, "Oh, don't worry. When they get older, they will appreciate you and be thankful for everything that you do for them." Well, you are older. And it just hit me that that's never gonna happen. You know, that divorce might've been hypothetical, but my feelings are very real, and if hurting my feelings was what you were trying to do, well, congratulations on a job well done. [all groan as Frankie claps] Are you freaking kidding me?! You people are gonna sit there and try to make me feel crappy about myself?!
April: Hi!
Frankie: Hey, April! [chuckles] We're just doing our Halloween thang. No, you know what? If you're gonna be hanging around here, you should hear this, too, because I am through being this family's punching bag! And I am sorry if I have an annoying clap, and I am sorry that I like dancing to the Law & Order theme, or that I'm not good at fast-forwarding with the remote. But guess what. I am done defending myself. If you're all so perfect, you can have each other. Take a last look at this annoying, clapping mom that nobody wants to live with, 'cause I am storming out!
Neighborhood kids: Trick or treat!
Frankie: Ooh, aren't you cute. Oh, look a pirate. [laughs] Shiver me timbers. Storming out! [door slams]

Mike: Frankie! You're not gonna believe what these numbnuts did.
Sue: Dad, if you'll just listen to me, it is not my fault!
Brick: She knocked me over with a basketball!
Mike: I don't want to hear it!
Sue: [grunts] Mom, it is not fair. I gave Brick my room, and now I have a broken door... [groans] and a hole in the wall!
Brick: I'm sorry I did that, Sue, and maybe I held onto your room too long. But you know what? At least you have a room. I don't have anything of my own. No baby pictures, clothes from the cousin box. I don't even have a chair at the dinner table. None of you have walked in my shoes. I don't even walk in my shoes! I walk in Cousin Jared's shoes.

Sue: Hey, Brick. Just kind of looking for a quiet place to study. [clicks tongue] Hmm. You know, it's funny. [chuckles] I gave you my room for the summer. Poof! Summer's gone. Where does the time go?
Brick: Well, it's always summer somewhere.
Sue: I guess, but summer in Orson... definitely over.
Brick: Is it, though? 'Cause we're kind of having an Indian summer.
Sue: According to Axl's girlfriend, it's fall and almost autumn.
Brick: But you're only here for the weekend.
Sue: True, but I'll be needing my room at Thanksgiving, and that is right around the corner.
Brick: Not "right around" the corner, and Thanksgiving is really more about being together with family.
Sue: It's also about me spending time in my room. Plus, turkey has a lot of tryptophan, so that's gonna make me tired and I'm gonna want to sleep in my bed, which is in my room.
Brick: Have they really proven the tryptophan thing?
Sue: Yeah, Brick. It's pretty proven.
Brick: Well, we can go back and forth on this all day. [escorts Sue into the hallway]
Sue: It's my room, Brick.
Brick: You've made some very excellent points. It's a lot to chew on. [closes door]

Frankie: Well, listen, it's okay. I get it. Nobody wants to live with the big mean mom monster. 'Cause we're always like, "Brush your teeth! Do your homework! Flush!" [chuckles] Yeah. I guess that's just the way it's always been. Moms always get the raw end of the deal, right, April?
April: I'd definitely go with my mom. We're best friends.
Axl: Aww.
Frankie: Well, this is a fun conversation. [chuckles] No, that's what I love about my family. We can just be who we are and razz each other. We're a family of razzers. It's funny, 'cause we'd never get divorced anyway. I mean, neither of us would have an affair. We're too tired. Am I right? [Mike is silent] [laughs] No, seriously, I'm fine. It's not like we're asking you guys to say which one of us you love more. You don't have to answer that!

Frankie: Forget it. Geez. Although I want to know why all of you guys think it would be so hard to live with me.
Axl: I don't know. You honk a lot. You're always saying, "What's the haps?" And then there's your clapping.
Brick: Oh, yeah.
Sue: Totally.
Frankie: My clapping? What's wrong with my clapping?
Brick: It's got this really weird pitch to it, and it's really...
Mike: Loud.
Axl: Yeah, it's like you hate your hands.
Sue: Mm-hmm. That's why I didn't want to watch the finale of The Bachelor with you.
Frankie: So, I'm just the annoying mom who claps too loud and is excitable. Why don't you start making a list of all the things you don't like about me? Don't start a list.

Mike: Open this door! What the hell is going on in here?
Sue: Brick stole Tina. He won't give it back...
Brick: She's going back to college anyway.
Sue: ...and he said the summer's not over and he's wrong!
Mike: Hey! That's it. Everyone's going back to their original rooms. And no more naming things that shouldn't have names. The name of this room is room!

Frankie: So, what's up, honey? You escaping your gross dorm room for the comforts of home?
Mike: That's a sad state of affairs.
Sue: [sighs] Yeah. We have a bit of a mold issue. Lexie's dad flew her to Barbados for the weekend. Plus I'm still 20% scared of ghosts.

Frankie: Okay, it's not fair that he's so nice to her and so mean to us.
Sue: Yeah, what is going on? He was getting nicer. He let me stay in his room. He was inviting me to parties. And now he's all, "Dogs can't have chocolate!" And yesterday he called me a horse, which isn't the worst thing, except he also did this. [neighs]
Mike: I know what's going on. The kid's got a certain amount of snark that's got to come out, and since he's with April 24/7, it's got nowhere to go. It's... It's like a plugged-up hose. The water's gonna come out somewhere.
Brick: So what, we're just supposed to sit back and get bullied? Well, that's what I usually do, but I thought you guys would have other options.
Mike: The guy's in love. Let's give it a couple weeks. If he starts saying that I'm scared of Mom again, I'll put the hammer down.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Are those my magazines? Oh, no, no, no! Don't wreck anything with a royal on the cover. Those are collector's items. Oh, and look. It's the special "Shakeups and Breakups" issue. I never got to read this 'cause it was right when Brick was born and he was colicky.
Brick: I believe that was the Ferguson baby who was colicky.
Sue: [gasps] Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston?
Frankie: Oh, yes, they were Hollywood's golden couple, and they just couldn't make it work.
Sue: Oh. [gasps] Yeah, says here he wanted kids and she didn't.
Frankie: Yep. Probably a good thing they didn't have kids. How would they decide which parent to go with?
Axl: You got to go with Pitt. I mean, he was Thor.
April: Mm, that was Chris Hemsworth. He's dreamy.