Frankie: I'm just saying, you're only gonna see me on weekends and every other Christmas, so you better get used to it.
Axl: Oh, my God. Is she really still talking about this hypothetical divorce?
Frankie: Yes, she is. I was really hurt. You know, when your kids are teenagers, everyone says, "Oh, don't worry. When they get older, they will appreciate you and be thankful for everything that you do for them." Well, you are older. And it just hit me that that's never gonna happen. You know, that divorce might've been hypothetical, but my feelings are very real, and if hurting my feelings was what you were trying to do, well, congratulations on a job well done. [all groan as Frankie claps] Are you freaking kidding me?! You people are gonna sit there and try to make me feel crappy about myself?!
April: Hi!
Frankie: Hey, April! [chuckles] We're just doing our Halloween thang. No, you know what? If you're gonna be hanging around here, you should hear this, too, because I am through being this family's punching bag! And I am sorry if I have an annoying clap, and I am sorry that I like dancing to the Law & Order theme, or that I'm not good at fast-forwarding with the remote. But guess what. I am done defending myself. If you're all so perfect, you can have each other. Take a last look at this annoying, clapping mom that nobody wants to live with, 'cause I am storming out!
Neighborhood kids: Trick or treat!
Frankie: Ooh, aren't you cute. Oh, look a pirate. [laughs] Shiver me timbers. Storming out! [door slams]

Mike: Look, this whole conversation is pointless because nobody's getting divorced.
Frankie: Don't be so sure. You know why they want to live with you. 'Cause they know nothing about you.
Mike: Huh.
Frankie: No, I'm serious. What do we really know about him? Hmm? Once a week he eats sardines on crackers and he likes the Colts. Don't you see what's happening here? He's winning because he's silent. He's a statue. I'm the one who tells him, "Go talk to your son. See how your daughter likes college." He's a puppet. I'm just sticking my hand up there and making him talk. I'm Wayland Flowers and he's Madame.
Kids: Who?
Frankie: The ventriloquist on the Hollywood Squares.
Sue: What's Hollywood Squares?
Axl: What's a ventriloquist?
Frankie: Okay, I'm the one who's always done everything for you. I wiped your noses. I wiped your butts. [scoffs] You know what? Go ahead. You want to live with your dad, live with your dad. But guess what. He doesn't like to shop, so all that stuff you're eating right there, I'm just gonna take it away. Yep. That's right. This is what it's like living with your dad. Sardines and silence. So, that's what you guys want, well, then you can be... April. [chuckling] Hey. Just serving the family breakfast. Kind of a Monday morning tradition. [chuckles] Here you go. Here you go, sweetheart.

Mike: Frankie! You're not gonna believe what these numbnuts did.
Sue: Dad, if you'll just listen to me, it is not my fault!
Brick: She knocked me over with a basketball!
Mike: I don't want to hear it!
Sue: [grunts] Mom, it is not fair. I gave Brick my room, and now I have a broken door... [groans] and a hole in the wall!
Brick: I'm sorry I did that, Sue, and maybe I held onto your room too long. But you know what? At least you have a room. I don't have anything of my own. No baby pictures, clothes from the cousin box. I don't even have a chair at the dinner table. None of you have walked in my shoes. I don't even walk in my shoes! I walk in Cousin Jared's shoes.