‘Christmas Help’
Season 4, Episode 9 - Aired December 5, 2012
As Christmas approaches, Frankie gets a job in a department store so she can buy presents with her employee discount. Mike helps his brother, Rusty (Norm Macdonald), move furniture, unaware Rusty doesn't actually own the items in question. Meanwhile, Reverend TimTom casts Brick in a nativity play and tasks Sue with baking cookies, while Axl moves into the garage.
Quote from Sue
Frankie: Okay, Sue, time to shut down the cookie factory. I gotta rummage through the fridge for dinner.
Brick: That's okay. We already have dinner plans.
Sue: Yeah, we're going over to Axl's. Should never go over to somebody's house empty-handed.
Quote from Mike
Mike: I'm done.
Frankie: What do you mean?
Mike: I'm done. I'm done with my brother. It's over. I told him not to come for Christmas.
Frankie: Wow. You did?
Mike: If he were a friend, I'd have been done with him years ago! I get nothing out of it but headaches! And I don't want to hear "you do for family," Frankie. I did enough for him. I'm done.
Frankie: Okay, then.
Mike: Okay.
Quote from Mike
Sue: Oh, no. I forgot about cookies for Christmas dinner! How many people are coming? Are Grandpa and Uncle Rusty coming?
Mike: Whoever's comin' is comin'. Whoever isn't, isn't.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: What do you got there?
Brick: It's the invitation to Axl's Christmas party.
Sue: Didn't you get one?
Brick: Hmm. Awkward.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: Hey. Where the hell's my Christmas tree? [sighs]
Frankie: [v.o.] Well, Axl was certainly prepared for Christmas, and with ten days until my discount kicked in, I was preparing in my own way.
Quote from Frankie
Frankie: [v.o.] So the end of my 20th day had finally come, and my discount was kicking in. All I had to do was make it to closing cash out, and hightail it to Brick's play.
Penny: Look at this. Found another stash. And I don't even wanna tell you what I just pulled out of a mannequin's underpants. Legally, I can't resell it.
Frankie: You know what? Let me put that stuff back for you, Penny. You've been working so hard all week.
Penny: Oh, thanks, Frankie. You're a real go-getter.
Frankie: Well, I wasn't fishing for that compliment, but I'll reel it in.
Quote from Sue
Sue: Eye. Eye. Beard. Eye. Eye. Beard. Eye. Eye. Cramp! God! Hand cramp! No! Not now! Not now!
Quote from Axl
Axl: [screams] No! I've been robbed! What happened to all my cool stuff?
Mike: It wasn't your stuff. I got a couple guys and a truck from the quarry, and I took it all back.
Axl: So where am I supposed to live now?
Mike: How about in your room?
Axl: I can't go back to that dump after living in the garage. Are you crazy? I need my sick crib! [scoffs]
Quote from Frankie
Mike: Where were you? Why are you so late?
Frankie: I was hiding presents on this really high shelf so nobody would buy them out from under me.
Mike: Smart.
Frankie: I know, right? Until somebody wheeled my ladder away and I got stuck up there. By the time I got down, the store was closed, the manager was gone, and I had to roll under the gate.
Mike: So you didn't get any presents?
Frankie: No. Zip. Zero presents.
Mike: But tomorrow's Christmas.
Frankie: Oh, really, Mike? I did not know that.
Quote from Frankie
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] The angel told Mary A baby you will carry Joseph don't bother 'Cause he got a higher father
Frankie: [v.o.] So it was Christmas Eve, and none of us were in the spirit. And Brick's performance wasn't making it any better.
[Brick walks around the stage squeaking his shoes]
Frankie: What's he doing?
Mike: I don't know.
Boy: There it is, the star in the east. It will lead us to the new king.