Eleanor: Hey, buddy. Look if you don't want to lie because it conflicts with your moral principles, I get it. No one's gonna be mad at you.
Chidi: Really?
Eleanor: No, dumbass! I'm lying to you to make you feel better. See? Sometimes lying is awesome. Plus I said dumbass. Oh, cursing. How I've missed you.

Jason: What even is this thing? I hate suits. They remind me of court and going to court and being my own lawyer against the advice of the judge in court and getting immediately convicted in court.
Janet: I think you look nice.
Jason: I think you look sexy.
Janet: Here, I got you this to help your disguise.
Jason: Whoa, a briefcase? Take my credit card to the hedge fund. I'll meet you at the martini store.
Janet: Oh, you're gonna get caught. Give me the briefcase back. Thanks.
Jason: Aww.

Michael: Hey, guys. Sorry, you wait here, while I go get us some more of these pins.
Tahani: But what is this place?
Michael: It's just a place. You know. An area or location. It's pretty straightforward.
Chidi: The Museum of Human Misery?
Michael: Oh, yeah. Okay. It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.
Jason: Is there a gift shop?
Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop. It's the least horrifying room. It's the Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness.
Eleanor: First person to floss in an open plan office? Well, she deserves to be tortured. She's a monster.
Michael: This was the safest place I could think of. No one ever comes in here. Guys, if you do leave this room, you're gonna see things that will haunt you for eternity. Okay. Back soon. Bye.

Tahani: "First man to send an unsolicited picture of his genitals."
Chidi: "First waiter to approach a diner with an empty plate and sarcastically say, 'I guess you hated it.'"
Jason: "First white person to grow dreadlocks." And "First person to call Ultimate Frisbee 'Ultimate.'" This dude rules!

Chet: No way! Trent, is that you?
Chidi: Who else could it be?
Chet: Come on, dab it out. Boom boom! 'Sup? I'm Chet.
Jason: Jake is my name, Molotov cocktail is my game. I think school is lame, I got a tattoo of David Blaine. What?
Chet: Ooh! Tight! Ball tap!
Jason: Oh, dude. Ball tap!
Chet: Oh! That was a firm ball tap, bro.

Chidi: Hey. Hi. So, um, those bro demons over there think I'm some kind of great torturer. And they want my advice on how to torture someone. Jason is stalling by ranking MMA ring girls with them, but I have to do something. Eleanor, you're wearing glasses now. Help me!
Chidi: You know the answer, dude. Lie your ass off. If Rhonda can do it, you can.
Tahani: [American accent] You know once I shoved a hot dog right down the throat of the legendary John Wayne.
Eleanor: She even name drops in Hell.

Shawn: Listen up, people. We need to find Michael, and we need to be discreet. You, search from the spastic dentistry department down through disembowelment. You, cover children's dance recitals through holiday weekend IKEA. Go.

Chet: Hey, hey! Found him! Just bird-dogging some tail.
Dirk: What you got for me, Trent?
Chidi: Well, peep this, dog. You really want to torture this dirtbag? You give him books. I'm serious. This one time I was assigned this... a chick that I had to torture, and I just couldn't figure it out. And then I realized she hated books, so I just gave her mad books to read, round the clock.
Chet: Books like exploded?
Chidi: No, no, no. They were just you know regular moral philosophy books. You know everyone hates moral philosophers.
Chet: That is true. And I know it's wild, but, you know, sometimes you gotta think outside the bun.
Dirk: Ah! Sick Taco Bell ref.
Chet: Very nice.
Dirk: But I don't know, man. Sounds kind of lame. This guy's the best, really?
Chidi: Yeah, maybe I don't know what I'm talking... ball tap! [all cheering] Oh! That's what you get for questioning Trent, the torture master!
Jason: He got you so bad!
Dirk: Yeah, he did. He did. Nice job, bro. All right, you've convinced me. I'll give him books.

Shawn: There he is. And he's got the humans with him.
Michael: All right, let's just back up here.
Tahani: What do we do?
Jason: This!
[Jason grabs his pocket square, sticks it in the neck of a bottle of alcohol, then grabs a lighter and sets it on fire.]
Jason: Jortles! [throws it front of Shawn]

Michael: Janet, you need to get in character too. Now I know you look like a Bad Janet, but can you act like one?
Janet: I have gained a lot of new skills recently. For example, I learned how to be passive-aggressive. Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed.
Michael: Oh!
Tahani: Let's practice. I'm going to make a simple request, and you're going to give me that patented Bad Janet attitude. Can I have a glass of water?
Janet: Here you go!
Tahani: Nope. Let's try again. Be mean. Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water?
Janet: No. I would never give you that, you... dumb person.
Tahani: Janet, what's that behind your back?
Janet: Nothing.
Tahani: Give it to me.
Janet: It's a glass of water. And a back-up glass.
Michael: Oh, boy.