Eleanor: [animatronic figure] I'm Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me.
Eleanor: That's fair. That's a fair hit.

Jason: [animatronic figure] I'm Jason Mendoza. Duh...
Jason: That's me.

Michael: Hey, guess what? I just solved the trolley problem. Remember? The thought experiment where you're driving the trolley, and you can either plow into a group of people or turn and hit one person? I solved it.
Eleanor: That's really great. But I don't think now's the time.
Michael: See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die. And the actual solution is very simple. Sacrifice yourself.
Eleanor: What does that mean?
Michael: [gives Eleanor his pin] You look after the others. They need you.
Eleanor: No.
Shawn: Step away from the portal!
Michael: Good-bye, Eleanor.
Eleanor: No, no. Wait, wait! [Michael pushes Eleanor into the portal]
Michael: Hey, boss. What's up?

Michael: Okay, now, you're all going to need aliases.
Eleanor: Cool. I'm gonna be Diana Tremaine. That was the name on my fake ID in high school. Her address was 123 Whatever Street, Canada City, Canada. Arizona bouncers are the best.

Chidi: Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a judge who is going to judge us. What if I lie down here and I lose 12 points, and then we get in front of the Judge, and I'm 12 points short? Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all because we lied to get there? Kant says that lying is always wrong, and I follow that maxim.
Eleanor: So you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man. We're behind enemy lines!
Chidi: Well, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose when you're going to follow them. I won't lie about who I am.
Eleanor: Okay. I understand, and I'm cool with it.
Chidi: You're lying right now, aren't you?
Eleanor: Yes. I want to strangle you.

Michael: Hey, boss. I'm back.
Shawn: Welcome home. Axe up.
Michael: Oh! New scent! Transformers!
Shawn: Yes. It makes you smell the way Transformers movies make you feel.

Michael: So the only way to get to the Judge is through a portal, which is smack-dab in the middle of the main office at Bad Place Headquarters. And the only way through the portal is with one of these.
Tahani: What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters. It's just some jewelry I don't have. Can I have it?
Michael: These pins are very hard to come by. Only upper management types have them. So you guys will lay low while I get us four more. Janet doesn't need one, because for portals, she counts as a carry-on.
Janet: I'm luggage.

Tahani: Character work! Such fun. I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university. Although mostly I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann just threw glitter on me. Ooh, I shall be... [American accent] Rhonda Mumps. And I work down at the hot dog factory.
Michael: You need to be more specific. There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...
Tahani: Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?
Michael: Yes... throats.

Jason: I know what my secret identity is.
Eleanor: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
Jason: Fine. Then I'll be Jake...
Chidi: Don't say Jortles.
Jason: Jortles! And I work in the Molotov cocktail department.

Michael: Boy, you know, I thought you guys would be more worried about this.
Eleanor: We've been knee-deep in demons for, like, 800 reboots now. Lying about who we are is second nature.
Michael: Huh.
Eleanor: Chidi?
Chidi: I hate this. I hate lying. It's not permissible. I can't do this.
Michael: Oh, boy.
Tahani: [American accent] Jeez Louise! Looks like Chidi has a real case of the Mondays, am I right? Hey, pass the NASCAR ketchup.