Bad Janet: [v.o.] All trains today are delayed by three hours, just like they are every day. All passengers, you all suck, and you're ugly.

Michael: Keep walking. Keep your heads down. Just act unnatural.

Eleanor: Hey! Hey! Be careful, okay?
Michael: Be careful?
Eleanor: Yeah.
Michael: Oh. Eleanor, are you worried about me?
Eleanor: Yeah. I'm worried. I mean 'cause you're our ticket out of here, genius. Don't go getting all goopy on me.
Michael: Worry about them. I'll be fine.
Eleanor: Okay.
Michael: [chuckles]

Petruchio: All right, everyone. We've got a lot of work to do. Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall?
Bad Janet: Why don't you roll off your mom and do it yourself, you fat dink? [to Janet] Set up more of those tables. We're expecting a big crowd.
Janet: You got it, you piece of... butt.

Michael: Still can't believe those jagoffs got away from us. Really zips my tip.
Shawn: Yeah.
Michael: Anyway I drew up some extradition papers to get them back from Mindy's. I think I'll take a few of my most trusted staff, hop in the portal, file those with the Judge, quick stop for pancakes, and then I'll head on back. By the way, I'm gonna need four pins for my crew.
Shawn: This is very thorough. However... [throws it in the trash]
Michael: Is that where we're putting top priority files nowadays?
Shawn: We won't need extradition papers. Plans are already in motion to get the humans back in a different way.
Michael: Ah.

Petruchio: Hors d'oeuvre?
Jason: Oh, what do you got?
Petruchio: Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas, Hawaiian pizza of course, and egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan. [Jason grabs a bagel] Have a terrible evening.

Chet: Anyway, your boy Trent and I worked together in partial decapitations. When'd you leave decap? 800 years ago?
Chidi: Uh... Something like that.
Chet: I just joined a new department. Toxic Masculinity. We torture internet trolls, frat dudes. Actually started as a training program to prep for when the "Girls Gone Wild" dude gets here.
Jason: Joe Francis.
Chet: The one.
Jason: Legend!

Chet: Bro-hams! Get over here and meet my top dog Trent. Dude's a straight beast when it comes to torture.
Dirk: 'Sup, bro? It's actually pretty choice that we're running into you right now. My top dog Dirk here, he got stuck with a new case. He can't crack it. Hit them with it, D-Money.
Dirk: So I'm trying to torture this guy, right? Brant? Brant was a total lord. He got kicked off of Rob Gronkowski's party cruise for throwing a lobster at a stripper. And then he died doing a keg stand in the back of a moving Jeep Wrangler.
Chet: Anyways, we run a couple hundred torture scenarios. None of them seem quite right, you know? Think we can get you to crack this nut?
Chidi: Well, I mean, how could I say no? [all laugh] Yeah, we all know how I would say no. You know I'd be all like, "No!" But you know I can't.
Chet: So weird, Trent, man. You're always so weird. Love that about you.

Tahani: [American accent] Don't get me wrong, I love shoving hot dogs into people, but once you've dogged every hole, you just start to feel like you're repeating yourself.
Megan: I hear that, sister. I'm gonna go take a dump. You want me to grab you one?
Tahani: No, I'm good. Thanks.
Megan: Not even a little nug?
Tahani: Nah, I'm a'ight.
Megan: A'ight.

Janet: Hi, there, you big stinky poop face guys. Ugh. It's me, Good Janet. I'm sorry I called you big stinky poop face guys.
Eleanor: That's okay. Janet, can you dig around a little bit and find out what this event is and how long it's gonna last?
Janet: I'd love to... punch your... teeth. Hey. Hi. Teeth. Ugh.