[flashback:]
Joe: Hi, there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?
Eleanor: No. Buzz off, whale-humper.
Joe: You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.
Eleanor: It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight, I literally forget you exist. Watch. You exist. You don't exist. You're bothering me. Don't care if you die. See?
Joe: Why are you like this?
Eleanor: Excuse me? Why am I like this? You don't know me, dude. You don't know what I'm like. Look what you made me do, jag-off. [bends down to pick up alcohol bottle]
Cart Attendant: Oh, my God, look out!
Eleanor: Uh-oh.

Jason: Oh, good, you're awake. Can I ask you a question about where we're going?
Eleanor: Sure.
Jason: Where are we going? I forgot.
Eleanor: We're going somewhere that's not the Good Place, and it's not the Bad Place. We're going to a Medium Place.
Jason: Hmm, is there a 7-Eleven on the way? 'Cause Janet's powers aren't working, and I want some gum and some football cards and some scratchy tickets.
Eleanor: Go away from me.
Jason: Okay.

Shawn: I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.
Bad Janet: [appears] What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [farts] Nailed it. [disappears]
Shawn: I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence. What I will consider is the recent development of Eleanor stealing my train.
Michael: Now, hold on a second. She stole your train to voluntarily go down to the Bad Place. She was sacrificing herself because she is a wonderful, selfless... [cocoon closes] No, don't... Oh!
Chidi: What's happening?
Michael: I should have warned you. Shawn only cares about cold hard facts. If he detects any feelings in your voice, he retreats into a cocoon, so what we need to do now is just be very still and very quiet.
Tahani: [Shawn's cocoon starts to open] Finally! [Shawn's cocoon closes]
Chidi: What did he just say?
Tahani: Oh, because you're all so perfect.

Shawn: Begin.
Chidi: [deadpan] Eleanor dedicated herself to the study of ethics. I was blown away by her capacity for self-improvement.
Tahani: [deadpan] Eleanor is a magnificent person who has grown tremendously in her time here.
Real Eleanor: [deadpan] Please, I'm begging you, please.
Michael: [deadpan] Voluntarily heading to the Bad Place proves that she is a selfless person. Sorry. I'm getting choked up.
Shawn: Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself and heading to the Bad Place would be a point in her favor. However, I've just received word that Eleanor is not currently in the Bad Place. We have no idea where she is.
Michael: Well, what the...
Chidi: What? Fork! [Shawn's cocoon closes]

Shawn: I will now review Eleanor's memories.
Chidi: Her memories? As in, all the things she's done on Earth?
Shawn: Mm-hmm.
Tahani: But perhaps we could take a little break first. You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.
Shawn: I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years, so I'm good. Call up the screen for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please. Where should we begin, "Waiters Screamed At" or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman from Spin Class"?

Eleanor: Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something?
Mindy St. Claire: Uh, no, I kind of have my own private time routine.
Eleanor: I thought you'd want company after being here alone for so long.
Mindy St. Claire: No.
Eleanor: Okay, I get it.
Mindy St. Claire: Hey, uh, where did you get that? That's not one of my books. I only have Anne Rice vampire novels with water stains, and I've cut words out of most of them to make pornography.
Eleanor: My friend in the Good Place gave it to me when he was teaching me ethics. It reminds me of him.
Mindy St. Claire: Look, if you wanna survive, you have to forget what you left behind. Take that whole experience, crumple it up, throw it in the garbage can.
Eleanor: Okay. Instead of reading, I will watch this VHS copy of Cannonball Run II. Or maybe The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.' Wow. Very medium.

Michael: This is getting away from us. We need to do something quickly.
Chidi: Yeah, uh, Judge, request permission to speak somewhat emotionally?
Shawn: Ugh. Fine. Dramamine. Helps with the nausea. Proceed.

Tahani: I, too, helped Eleanor. Not as much as Chidi, surely, but my help was more friendship and sorely needed fashion advice. Eleanor deserves to stay.

Shawn: [through Janet walkie-talkie] Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name's Shawn. We do not know where you are but hope you are receiving this message. You have been found to be the rightful property of the Bad Place. Either return to your original neighborhood, or your accomplices Chidi Anagonye and Tahani Al-Jamil will go to the Bad Place in your stead.
Chidi: What?
Tahani: What?
Shawn: You have four hours. Good-bye. [ends communication]
Real Eleanor: Your Honor, please, Chidi and Tahani are completely innocent.
Shawn: They are not completely innocent. They told me so themselves. They aided and abetted two criminals, one of whom was a DJ.

Eleanor: Can we even make it there in time?
Janet: I believe so, though it'll be close.
Eleanor: Where's Jason?
Jason: Heads up! Sorry, Eleanor, but I can't let us leave. [throws Molotov cocktail] Bortles!
Eleanor: No! [clink] What are you doing, you goon?
Jason: Trying to blow up the train. Blowing stuff up got me out of so many jams on Earth. Let me try again. Do... do you have another bottle?