Michael: Hi, there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.
Chidi: Ah, kind of like a last meal.
Michael: Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.

Eleanor: I'm scared too. But we can't just abandon our friends and let them take the fall for us.
Jason: Sure we can. It would be so easy to do that. We'd just go back to Mindy's house, chill out...
Eleanor: I'd get used to room-temperature beer.
Jason: Me and Janet keep trying to solve the problem of how to have sex, which could take years.
Eleanor: Yeah, yeah.
Jason: Let's just pretend that we didn't hear the Janet walkie-talkie message.
Eleanor: No, it's time to own up, dude. I spent my whole life acting like Mindy, me first, no matter what, and it literally took dying and being around a bunch of good people to realize that I was kind of a nightmare.

Mindy St. Claire: Anyway, so after I died, uh, my sister found my plan, and she used my money to start the Mindy St. Clair Rescue Alliance, yeah. It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world.
Eleanor: Oh, so the question was, did you get credit for all those good person points or not?
Mindy St. Claire: Exactly. I don't know how long my case was pending or whatever, but when I woke up, the two sides had been fighting about me for a long time. [chuckles] Like a stripper over that last bump of coke at the party, if you know what I mean. But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know?
Eleanor: Well, it beats being tortured. I was about to turn myself in.
Mindy St. Claire: No. Yeah, there's no time for that morality nonsense, sweetheart. This is about survival. You gotta look out for number one.

[flashback to Eleanor crashing her shopping cart into another woman's cart:]
Woman: Ow! What the hell?
Eleanor: Walk it off, Lululemon.

Eleanor: Wow. This is truly nothing. So where does this Mindy St. Clair live?
Janet: I don't know. I'm out of range of our neighborhood. I don't have any of my normal abilities here.
Eleanor: Perfect. [sighs] Well, let's try this way.
Janet: Ooh, I've never had to walk before. This is fun. Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.

Eleanor: Well, given that she's the only person in the neighborhood, I'm guessing this is the pl... Oh! She's naked! [Mindy screams] Oh, sorry! [Mindy screams] [Jason yells] [Mindy screams] [Jason yells]
Mindy St. Claire: Who are you?
Janet: I'm Janet. [waves]

[on video:]
Beadie: Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie. I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife.
Trevor: What's up, idiot? Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?
Beadie: That's not possible.
Trevor: Congrats. Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you...
Beadie: They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.
Trevor: Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.
Beadie: We got you your favorite beer.
Trevor: Yeah, but it's always warm.
Beadie: On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.
Trevor: Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible. You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.
Trevor: So what's up? What's your deal? Are you single? What's going on?

Mindy St. Claire: Sorry about before. One of the perks of living alone is that I get to just walk around naked.
Eleanor: [laughs] My kind of gal. And I gotta say, you keep it tight.
Mindy St. Claire: Oh, that is the nicest and only thing anyone has said to me in 30 years.
Eleanor: So tell us everything. I mean, what did you do to end up here?
Mindy St. Claire: That's kind of a long story. Gonna need a drink or three.
Eleanor: Definitely my kind of gal.
Jason: You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's honeymoon, so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.

Eleanor: Hey, you two lovebirds figure out how to have sex yet?
Jason: No. We tried for two hours, but there was just a lot of, like, bumping into each other.
Janet: It was weird.

[flashback:]
Vanessa: [speaking Spanish]
Eleanor: [air horn blares] This ain't your bar mitzvah anymore, bitch. It's my 24th birthday! What! Hot tiara, girl. [air horn blares]
[present:]
Shawn: That was "The Crashing and Subsequent Destruction of Vanessa Garcia's Quincenera." Let's move on to another event.
Tahani: "Heckling of Mall Santas"? "Lifetime Ban from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?
Real Eleanor: "Brief Instagram Flirtation with Kid Rock"? Oh, no.