Chidi: Okay, look, I know, obviously, these memories aren't great. I was particularly disturbed by "Started Fire in Mailbox to Get Mailman to Take Off Shirt," but that was the old Eleanor. She changed. She worked and she studied and she got better. And it wasn't just self-preservation, it was real self-improvement. I made the decision to help Eleanor that first week, and I'm glad I did. Because she's worth it.

Michael: No, but how do you intend to enforce this ruling? You have no idea where they are. Bad Janet?
Bad Janet: [appears] What's up, fork nuts?
Shawn: Engage walkie-talkie protocol. [electronic warbling]
[meanwhile, in The Medium Place:]
Janet: What if you're here, and I'm like this?
Jason: Yes, that may work.
Janet: [beeping, electronic blaring]
Eleanor: Whoa, what is happening?
Jason: Is she having an orgasm? Did I do it somehow?

Jason: They're gonna send Chidi and Tahani to the Bad Place? We're off the hook, this is amazing! Babe, we are going to be trying to make love all night long. [grabs one of the sketches]

Mindy St. Claire: I think he has a good point. I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.
Eleanor: How can you say that?
Mindy St. Claire: Think practically here. Okay, you go back, you turn yourself in, you get sent to the Bad Place, and you never see your friends again. Or you stay here, you're safe from the Bad Place, and you never see your friends again. It's the same results, except if you stay here, you don't get tortured.
Eleanor: But they do.
Mindy St. Claire: That's their problem. Your problem is whether you get tortured. Now if you'll excuse me, it's my masturbating time.
Eleanor: When isn't it? We're going back.
Jason: But...
Eleanor: Now.

Jason: Why were you like that?
Eleanor: Well... let me tell you about Doug and Donna Shellstrop.
[flashback:]
Young Eleanor: Hey, Dad, just a warning, Mom's gonna be here in a second.
Doug: Ugh, your mother's coming? Oh, boy, hide the silverware.
Young Eleanor: You mean the silverware you stole from Mom?
Doug: Yeah, but she keeps trying to steal it back.
Donna: I drove here as fast as I could. You scored free WrestleMania tickets?
Young Eleanor: There are no tickets, Mom. I knew that was the only way I could get you here.
Doug: Ah-ha! Burn.
Donna: Eleanor, just because your father and I are divorced does not mean you can disrespect me like this, okay? We are a family. Whose birthday is it?
Young Eleanor: Mine.
Doug: Are you serious? No way. That was a B.S. foul on Chapman.
Young Eleanor: And since you both forgot, again, which means you definitely didn't get me a present, again, I got myself something. I just need you to sign it.
Donna: Emancipation papers? Honey! What does "emancipation" mean?
Young Eleanor: It means I'll be on my own. All my life, I've been taking care of myself and you guys. I work two after-school jobs because you blew half my college fund bailing your boyfriend out of jail.
Doug: So irresponsible.
Young Eleanor: And you blew the other half trying to frame her boyfriend.
Donna: It was so stupid. He was already guilty, dumbass. I've been on my own for a while now anyway, and after you sign these papers, it'll be official. I won't owe you anything; you won't owe me anything.
Doug: Well, if you want me to sign... oh, that's a joint. Uh, do you have a pen or a lighter?
Donna: You're a really interesting person, Eleanor. We should hang out sometime.

Jason: Wow, your parents sucked.
Eleanor: Yeah, they did, and I've been using their crappy parenting as an excuse for my selfish behavior all my life. No more. We know what's right here. We have to go back.
[Jason gives Janet a thumbs-up]
Janet: Ride-or-die.

Shawn: Time is up. In preparation for your trip to the Bad Place, please put on these fedoras.
Tahani: Oh, no. Well, no use delaying the inevitable. We surrender. Together.
Eleanor: Chidi, Tahani, we're back to save your souls. [panting] Real weird vibe in here. Was definitely expecting some applause.
Michael: You're too late. You... you missed the cut-off.
Eleanor: But we're here. We came here as fast as we could, and we're here. So... now what?
Shawn: [sighs wearily] What is the most logical decision? I made my initial ruling. I established a deadline. The deadline was missed. Now the original perpetrators are here. This is exhausting. I just want to go back to my container of goo and go to sleep. The Bad Place is owed two people. In my opinion, which is an objective fact in this case and all cases always and forever, you have all done bad things since you arrived here, therefore I don't care which two of you go. You can decide. You have 30 minutes.