Eleanor: No, no, no, no, actual demons. Like, from the Bad Place. Okay, Chidi and I are going to go out the side door. You and Tahani go out the back.
Jason: Or we do this the old fashioned way. [holds Molotov cocktail]
Chidi: How did you make that so fast?
Jason: Bortle...
[Vicky grabs the Molotov cocktail and Bambadjan restrains Jason]
Shawn: Hello, idiots. Surprised to see me? [sighs] Right. You don't remember. I'm Shawn. You are very scared of me. Now, where's Michael?

Michael: Hello.
Doug Forcett: Hello.
Michael: Hope we have the right house. I'm looking for a Doug Forcett?
Doug Forcett: Well, I'm Doug Forcett.
Michael: Wow. Oh, yes. Yes, you are. Sorry, um, I'm a reporter for the Calgary Times Examiner. My name is Michael Scoop. This is my photographer, Janet... Scoop. She's my sister with the scoops.
Janet: Oh, boy.

Michael: Some people in town are saying you live a pretty interesting life out here. Growing your own food, completely off the grid? We would love to do a human interest story about you for the paper. What do you say?
Doug Forcett: Okay, well let me think. Well, first off, I'm so flattered that you'd want to do a whole news story just about me. [chuckles] That's so nice. A heartfelt thanks to the whole Scoop family. Can I ask... is your newspaper printed on recycled paper?
Michael: Yes, you know, very recycled. The most.
Doug Forcett: Well, all right then. Come on in.
Michael: Great, great. Oh, hey, you know, before we forget. Can Janet take a photo of you for the paper?
Doug Forcett: Oh. [chuckles]
Michael: Okay, can you look up a little and to the right? [Michael holds the photo of a younger man that used to be on his office wall] Smile, but only with your mouth and not your eyes. Perfect.

Doug Forcett: It was 1972. My friend Randy and I ate some magic mushrooms. Randy asked me, "What do you think happens when you die?" And I saw with perfect clarity how the afterlife works. Immediately, I knew I had to live a perfect life. Well, not immediately. The next day all I could do was watch kung fu movies and stroke a blanket that I thought was my cat. But soon after, I designed a life that would maximize my point total and help me get into the Good Place. And I've been living it ever since. I know, this sounds crazy.
Michael: No! No, actually it makes... it makes perfect sense.
Doug Forcett: Oh. [chuckles] Oh, boy. You've been sitting here for ten minutes and I haven't offered you anything to eat or drink. Would you like some water or fresh radishes?
Michael: Water would be great.

Eleanor: Tahani, can I ask your advice about something?
Tahani: Is it about your grating speaking voice? I'm so glad you finally brought it up. Because, honestly, with a few elocution lessons...
Eleanor: No, I wanna ask you about Chidi. What's wrong with my voice?
Tahani: Nothing. It's lovely. Tell me about Chidi.

Janet: So, it must get lonely up here all by yourself without anyone to talk to.
Doug Forcett: [chuckles] Oh, I've got lots of friends. There's this little guy, for example. Yeah, it's a snail. Hi, snail. I don't name them in case they already have a name they prefer.
Janet: Huh.
Michael: So, this is an organic garden?
Doug Forcett: Yeah. Everything I eat I grow myself. The radish patch was actually here when I moved in. I thought it'd be mean to dig it up.
Janet: Mean to the radishes?
Doug Forcett: I also grow lentils because they require very little water and have the smallest carbon footprint.
Janet: Huh. All he consumes are lentils and radishes.
Michael: No, Janet. He also consumes his own waste. So, everything's fine.

Tahani: Nope, nope. I'm flattered you would seek my advice. Though, I suppose, it makes sense. I'm sure the one constant in all the reboots is that you and I are best friends.
Eleanor: Uh-huh. Yep. Mm-hmm.
Tahani: Look, I don't think you would want Chidi to know what happened in the past unless you wanted it to happen again in the present. You can't know how Chidi will react. It may be painful but it's never a bad idea to tell someone how you feel.
Eleanor: Thanks, Tahani. You give really good advice. And you made a really hot centaur.
Tahani: Sorry?

Janet: Michael, face facts. Doug is not the blueprint of how to live a good life. He's become a happiness pump.
Michael: What?
Janet: Remember from Chidi's lessons?
Michael: I remember the term happiness pump. That's just mostly because Eleanor and Jason made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.
Janet: It's a criticism of utilitarianism. A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed with maximizing the overall good at his or her expense. Doug will do literally anything to make other people happy even if it makes him miserable.

Doug Forcett: Oh, I volunteered to test cosmetics for a local company so they don't have to test on animals. It's fun... For the animals who don't have to do it. For me, it's like wearing a mask of fire. Uh, what can I do for you now? Would you like to move in, permanently? Or would either of you like any more water or one of my kidneys?
Michael: You know what? We have absolutely everything we need. Thank you. We're gonna head out now.
Doug Forcett: Okay, well, it was so nice to meet you, Janet, and you, Mark. I mean Michael. I called you Mark. Your name is Michael.
Michael: No, no, that's okay. Hey, hey. Stay with me here, buddy.
Doug Forcett: No, no, no, no, this is very bad. Forgetting someone's name... that's definitely lost me some points.
Michael: Hey, you know, I've always secretly wished my name was Mark.
Doug Forcett: Lie. That's a lie! Now I'm accusing you of lying. Now I'm yelling. Why am I yelling? I need to make this up. I'm going to give you a really nice haircut. [crunches] Was that...
Michael: A snail? Yeah that was a...
Doug Forcett: Oh, no, no, no, no. I think he's still alive. Do either of you know anything about snail first aid?
Michael: No.
Janet: Yes. I mean, "no."
Doug Forcett: All right, Michael, I need you to find some scotch tape while I apply pressure. Too much pressure. I'm gonna need that tape!

Doug Forcett: We are here to celebrate the life of Martin Luther Gandhi Tyler Moore, the snail. I named him/her that posthumously because I imagine him/her to be the greatest and most talented snail ever to have lived. Michael, would you care to say a few words?
Michael: [chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Yes. Um, okay. Martin was a lot of things. A snail, mostly. But also a friend. Martin taught us about life, about love, and about the limits of scotch tape.
Doug Forcett: Goodbye, Martin. Happy, slimy trails, old friend. I'm sorry, I've got to leave right away. I've decided to make a donation to the Canadian Mollusk Association in Martin's honor. Their office is in Edmonton, so it will take me about three weeks to walk there and back. Take care. Okay, look out little fellow. Heads up. Here comes a shoe.