Doug Forcett: Oh, I volunteered to test cosmetics for a local company so they don't have to test on animals. It's fun... For the animals who don't have to do it. For me, it's like wearing a mask of fire. Uh, what can I do for you now? Would you like to move in, permanently? Or would either of you like any more water or one of my kidneys?
Michael: You know what? We have absolutely everything we need. Thank you. We're gonna head out now.
Doug Forcett: Okay, well, it was so nice to meet you, Janet, and you, Mark. I mean Michael. I called you Mark. Your name is Michael.
Michael: No, no, that's okay. Hey, hey. Stay with me here, buddy.
Doug Forcett: No, no, no, no, this is very bad. Forgetting someone's name... that's definitely lost me some points.
Michael: Hey, you know, I've always secretly wished my name was Mark.
Doug Forcett: Lie. That's a lie! Now I'm accusing you of lying. Now I'm yelling. Why am I yelling? I need to make this up. I'm going to give you a really nice haircut. [crunches] Was that...
Michael: A snail? Yeah that was a...
Doug Forcett: Oh, no, no, no, no. I think he's still alive. Do either of you know anything about snail first aid?
Michael: No.
Janet: Yes. I mean, "no."
Doug Forcett: All right, Michael, I need you to find some scotch tape while I apply pressure. Too much pressure. I'm gonna need that tape!