Dorothy: Oh, hello. We have a 2:00 appointment with Dr. Ashley. The name is Zbornak.
Blanche: My name's not Zbornak. My name is Devereaux.
Dorothy: Yes, but the appointment is in the name of Zbornak.
Rose: Why is the appointment in your name? It was my idea to get counseling.
Dorothy: Fine, fine. Take the appointment for Zbornak and change it to Nylund. You satisfied?
Blanche: No, the appointment should be under Devereaux.
Rose: The appointment should be under Nylund.
Dorothy: Change it back to Zbornak.
Sophia: Put it under Lipschitz and buzz the head shrinker. We got an emergency here.

[flashback:]
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy, I'll be ready to go in just a minute. I had Hannah do my makeup while my pedicure was drying, so all I have to do is change my shoes. Wait a minute. What are you doing?
Dorothy: I think I'm dying. But then again, this 104 fever may be clouding my judgment.
Blanche: Honey, look at what you're wearing. You can't go like that.
Dorothy: I think the funeral home has someone who handles that, Blanche. But thank you for caring.
Blanche: I'm talking about our double date. Good grief! This place looks like a hospital ward. Dorothy, don't you know Mike and Larry will be here any minute?
Dorothy: Blanche, I can't go out tonight. Look at me.
Blanche: But, Dorothy, you've looked much worse than this. Remember that time you gave yourself a home perm, burnt your hair right down to the roots and ended up looking like Buckwheat?

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Blanche, I am miserable!
Blanche: It is mind over matter, Dorothy. Now, you can do it. You can get up off that couch. You feel better already. You're not sick anymore, Dorothy. You can heal yourself! Walk, Dorothy! Walk!
Sophia: Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Oh, forget it, Blanche. I'm not gonna kill myself because you have the hots for some guy in a fancy car.
Blanche: Dorothy, Larry is very important to me. You picked him up at a gas station.
Sophia: He must've been impressed with your spare tire.

[flashback:]
Blanche: Oh, all right. I'll just prop her up a little. Mike's not that particular. He just got out of prison.

Dorothy: It was absolutely dreadful. I spent the entire evening going in and out of consciousness while a guy with a silver tooth and a scorpion tattoo on his arm tried to grope me through the Vicks VapoRub.
Blanche: Oh, stop your complaining. Mike was a very nice man.
Dorothy: He burned down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were runny.

Rose: Doctor, do you see the way they pick on me? They're always telling me to shut up. Why is that?
Dr. Ashley: Well, it could be-
Rose: I mean, every time I open my mouth to express an opinion-
Dr. Ashley: Rose.
Rose: They jump on me. I mean, they say I babble. I don't babble. I mean, people who babble-
Dr. Ashley: Shut up, Rose!

[flashback:]
Carl: I'm here because of your ad in the paper: "Willing to do anything, $8.00 an hour, no job too big or small."
Dorothy: Yes, of course. Please come in. You know, I didn't expect people to actually come here. I just figured that I would be going to them.
Carl: That's the way it'll work in the future when my video camera gets back from the shop.
Dorothy: So tell me what type of work is it that you need done, Mr...
Carl: Toto.
Dorothy: Mr. Toto.
Carl: Oh, no "Mister." Just Toto. You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next $8.00.

[flashback:]
Rose: Dorothy, you owe me an apology. Your ad's right here.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, this is the personals column.
Rose: So what?
Dorothy: So what? You put an ad in the personals that said I will do anything for $8.00 an hour? Look. It's right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking nonsmoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
Carl: Is that signed "Doug"?
Dorothy: Yes.
Carl: I know him. He's a sick man.

[flashback:]
Jerry: Hi. Here's my $8.00. Let's get started, Dorothy.
Rose: Oh, I'm not Dorothy. She is.
Jerry: I'll give $4.00. Let's get started.
Dorothy: How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?
Jerry: Oh, great! Here's the other $4.00!