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‘The Audit’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Audit

310. The Audit

Aired November 28, 1987

Stan breaks the news to Dorothy that the Internal Revenue Service is auditing their old tax returns. Meanwhile, Rose tries to learn Spanish.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Do you know that promotion I was up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, no, honey, don't do that. No job is worth having to date women.
Dorothy: Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche: Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?

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Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I only have half of the 2500. And since I don't qualify for a bank loan, I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it. No daughter of mine is selling her stuff. It's a sin, it's a crime, and let's face it, Dorothy, lately you can't give it away.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I can't believe this is happening. Our whole married life, I was so careful about money. And all the time, Stanley had his hand in the cookie jar.
Rose: In the olden days, the Vikings would cut off your hand if they caught you stealing. They'd cut out your tongue if they caught you lying. They'd cut off your feet if they caught you trespassing.
Sophia: Too bad there wasn't a Viking around when Stan knocked you up.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Girls, do you realize it has been eight days since I've had a date?
Sophia: Do you realize it's been eight days since I had...
Dorothy: Ma, please. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself.
Sophia: That's my problem.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Anyway, that's why I signed up for a Spanish class at night school.
Blanche: That's a wonderful idea. Men go to night school. Smart men. And nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless maybe it's a stupid man with good hands.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Once we get in there, we have to exercise psychological control. That's why I'm wearing this suit.
Dorothy: You make me sick.
Stan: Hey, everyone knows good guys wear white. This suit subliminally tells the auditor I'm a good guy.
Dorothy: I could vomit just looking at you.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Now that I'm taking Spanish, I'm gonna totally immerse myself in the culture. From now on, I'm only speaking Spanish. I'm eating Spanish food, I'm wearing Spanish clothes, and I'm re-reading the covers of my Julio Iglesias albums really, really carefully.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Come on, Blanche, we don't wanna be late. Oh, darn, I keep forgetting. I'm not supposed to speak English. Being bilingual really gets me confused.
Sophia: Ziploc bags get you confused.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: What the hell is this?
Stan: Oh, uh, that- It's a business loss. I made a bad investment.
Dorothy: What investment? You never told me you were investing our money.
Stan: Well, I actually wasn't planning to, but I knew this was a money maker the minute I laid eyes on it. I'm talking tie bibs, babe.
Dorothy: Tie bibs.
Stan: Yeah. Little bibs that fit over your necktie. You go out to lunch, you don't worry about staining your tie. It's a perfect gift, a great idea. And the best part was, no one else had ever thought of it. To this day, I don't know why I couldn't sell them.
Dorothy: Did you ever hear of napkins, Stanley?!

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Hey, so I didn't make the cover of Fortune. I was just trying to do something to make things better for us. All our friends were moving up, and we were stuck with a one-way ticket to Palookaville. I wanted to be someone, babe. I wanted to be a contender.
Dorothy: Stanley, did you just rent On the Waterfront?
Stan: You know me so well.

Quote from Dorothy

Mr. Murray: Good afternoon. My name is Wendell Murray. I'll be conducting your audit today.
Dorothy: Nice to meet you. I'm Dorothy Zbornak. This is my ex-husband, Stanley.
Stan: Wendell. [removing his wig] Paisan.
Dorothy: We're going to jail.
Mr. Murray: What did you call me?
Dorothy: Before he answers that, let me reiterate, we are bitterly divorced.
Stan: Relax, Dorothy. Wendell, I called you "paisan." Friend, brother of the scalp. Because if I may get philosophical for just one moment, I've always believed we bald men are like any other minority. That's why we have to stick together.
Mr. Murray: Who you calling bald?
Dorothy: Nobody, nobody. Just shut up and put your hair on.

Quote from Dorothy

Mr. Murray: You know, folks, I've been at this job almost four years now, and in that short time I can honestly say I have never seen such an inept, clumsy, downright stupid attempt to avoid paying income tax.
Stan: Thanks. That means a lot coming from you.
Mr. Murray: I can also honestly say that I'm amazed the way this lays out, you only owe the government a small amount.
Dorothy: You're kidding.
Mr. Murray: No. $5000.
Dorothy: $5000! We don't have that kind of money.
Mr. Murray: Uncle Sam doesn't like to hear that.
Dorothy: Aunt Dorothy doesn't enjoy saying it.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I've only cheated once in my life and I vowed I'd never do it again.
Blanche: Couldn't handle the guilt?
Rose: No, I got caught. Oh, it was the worst experience of my whole life. St. Olaf was rocked by the scandal.
Blanche: What'd you do, shortchange somebody down at the feed store?
Rose: Worse. I fed BB's to my prize lamb, Harlan, so he'd weigh in heavier at the county fair.
Blanche: Oh, my God, Rose. How do you sleep at night?
Rose: I knew it was wrong all along, but I wanted to win first prize. And I would have if Harlan could have held it just a little longer.
Blanche: [to Dorothy] Boy, did you just miss a real gem.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Does anyone around here ever go to bed?
Dorothy: I can't sleep, Ma. I can't work, I can't eat. All I can do is think about how I'm gonna raise the rest of that 2500 bucks.
Sophia: I wish I had it, pussycat.
Dorothy: Oh, I know, Ma. If you had it, you'd give it to me.
Sophia: Don't put words in my mouth. I said, "I wish I had it."

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I've put away a little money, Dorothy. It's not nearly enough, but you're welcome to it.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
Blanche: Well, I could lend you a couple of hundred. I'd planned on putting it toward my cruise to the Bahamas, but what the heck?
Dorothy: Oh, thank you, girls.
Blanche: I'll just buy a couple of Harry Belafonte tapes.
Dorothy: I really appreciate this.
Blanche: And limbo under the clothesline.
Dorothy: But I can't accept it.
Blanche: Okay.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: You know, I can't believe this is happening. I was so careful about my finances all my life. I thought that by now I'd have some sort of security. And here I am, flat broke.
Rose: I know what you mean. I never dreamt I'd be single and working at this age.
Blanche: I never dreamt I'd be this age.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Now girls, listen. Listen. Remember, the way to make a deal is we state our price, stick to our guns, and undo another button on our blouses.
Dorothy: Blanche, that is ridiculous. Unbuttoning my blouse is not gonna get us a better deal.
Blanche: You are absolutely right. Don't touch yours. Rose and I will unbutton ours.

Quote from Rose

Mr. Escobar: Buenos días señoritas. [Good morning ladies]
Blanche: Hi.
Rose: ¿Buenos días cómo estás? Queremos todo tu dinero. [Good morning how are you? We want all your money.]
Mr. Escobar: Please, don't hurt me, just take my money.
Rose: I'm sorry. I think I got my verbs mixed up.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: So, uh, how much will you give me?
Mr. Escobar: $100 for everything.
Dorothy: Oh.
Blanche: Wait a minute. Sir! I am shocked at your insensitivity. May I point out to you that this is no ordinary pitcher? This pitcher was carried thousands of miles across the ocean by her great-great-grandmother. A woman who came to this country in search of a better life, as have done millions of immigrants throughout history. Why, this pitcher is a symbol of freedom. This pitcher is a symbol of liberty. This pitcher was made in Taiwan. Well! Maybe they stopped off at the Ellis Island gift shop. The point is, this pitcher is worth a considerable amount of money.
Mr. Murray: Lady, that story is worth more than the pitcher.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: What are you two doing here? I thought you had Spanish class.
Rose: We do but we're not going. We dropped out.
Dorothy: Well, what about your promotion at the counseling center?
Rose: Oh, I can just forget about that. Norwegians are notoriously bad at Spanish.
Dorothy: I guess that's why there are no herring tacos.


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