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‘Three on a Couch’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Three on a Couch

311. Three on a Couch

Aired December 5, 1987

The girls seek the help of counselor to understand why they're getting on each other's nerves.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: The point is, Rose, you do this kind of stupid thing all the time. And if you're not doing something stupid, you're saying something stupid, or wearing something stupid, or cooking something stupid.
Dr. Ashley: Rose, what do you think of Blanche saying these things?
Rose: I think she's a garconanokin.
Dr. Ashley: Well, what exactly does that mean?
Rose: Literally, it's the precise moment when dog doo turns white. But in general, it refers to the kind of person you don't wanna share your hoogencoggles with.
Dorothy: Rose, if you say one more of those stupid words, so help me-
Rose: Oh, blow it out your tubenburbles!

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Quote from Sophia

Dr. Ashley: Good afternoon, Ladies. I'm Dr. Ashley. Won't you come into my office.
Sophia: I'm Sophia Petrillo, and my idea of a good psychiatrist is a bartender who pours without a spout.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I'm Blanche Devereaux. And I know it's not pertinent at the moment, but I'm double-jointed.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Stop it! I cannot stand it anymore!
Sophia: You know what I can't stand anymore? That phony accent of yours. What is this, Designing Women?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: The real problem is you, Blanche. You are selfish.
Blanche: Oh, please. Everybody says what a giving person I am.
Sophia: She's talking about when you're in an upright position.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Do you see what we put up with? She's an airhead.
Rose: Oh, yeah? Well, you're a barbell.
Dorothy: That's a dumbbell, you twit!

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Sophia: Sicily, 1922. A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen, except hers moved when she skipped, she comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls-Royce pulls up and blocks her path.
Blanche: Oh! Who was in the Rolls?
Sophia: Robert Goulet, for all I know. It's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls-Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
Rose: What happened to it, Sophia?
Sophia: Bambi ate it. How should I know? You keep missing the point. The thing is, she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table. She gets hysterical. She starts to run. She runs through the field, the meadow, over the hill until she comes to a raging river filled with pepperoni swimming upstream.
Dorothy: Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?
Sophia: I know it's odd. Pepperoni is a land meat, but there it was. She wades into the river, grabs an armful and races home to feed her family. When she tells the story, they think it's an act of God. But as it turned out, a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town, causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles, which is where the Sicilian saying "It's raining cats and pepperoni" comes from. Is this helping anyone yet? Because this sure feels like an ending to me.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, what do you think we should we do?
Sophia: It's not for me to say. But I'll tell you a story. Picture it: Miami, 1987. A house, the only one in the neighborhood without a pool. But I digress. Four women, friends. They laugh, they cry, they eat. They love, they hate, they eat. They dream, they hope, they eat. Every time you turn around, they eat.
Rose: Sophia, are those four women us?
Sophia: Look in the mirror, blubber-butt. The point I'm trying to make is, what's going on here is living. Just because you have some rough times doesn't mean you throw in the towel. You go on living. And eating.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Dr. Ashley, the reason we came to the counseling center is that we're roommates and we've been having problems at home that we need to work out.
Dr. Ashley: Before we get to the nitty-gritty, why don't you all tell me a little about yourselves.
Dorothy: Fine. I'm a teacher. I'm divorced.
Blanche: I'm a widow. No man would leave me unless he absolutely had to. I'm 41 years old, I'm 5'6", I weigh 108 pounds, and my hair is its natural hue.
Dorothy: Sure, Blanche. Yours and Lucy's.

Quote from Blanche

[flashback:]
Dorothy: I meant, Blanche, that I am sick. I can barely stand. You'll just have to go on without me.
Blanche: Go on without you? This is not a wagon train. This is a double date. It doesn't work that way. It's the both of us or nothing.
Dorothy: You'll just have to cancel your date, too.
Blanche: Cancel my date? With Larry? Dorothy, how long have you been inhaling this VapoRub?
Dorothy: Blanche.
Blanche: Dorothy, I have been waiting for Larry to ask me out ever since our eyes first met at Del's Route 1 Chevron. I climbed on the hood of his LeBaron and wrote my phone number on his windshield with the heel of my Pappagallo pump.
Dorothy: Isn't that how Mrs. Simpson met the Duke of Windsor?

Quote from Blanche

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Blanche, please! Please! My body aches.
Blanche: Well, so does mine, honey. That's why I wanna go out on this date.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Sophia: Pussycat, drink this. It'll make you feel better.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough.
Sophia: Shut up and drink.
Dorothy: This is the fourth one. Ma, that's a lot of whiskey.
Sophia: I only put whiskey in the first one, then we ran out.
Dorothy: Oh.
Sophia: The second and third were vodka.
Dorothy: No wonder my head is spinning.
Sophia: This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. Killed your father.

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Dorothy: Rose, it is not here.
Rose: Well, look again. It has to be.
Dorothy: I have read every want ad in the paper. Mine is not here. Are you sure you dropped it at the newspaper office?
Rose: Dorothy, you told me exactly what you wanted me to do a dozen times. Any idiot could've done it.
Dorothy: I know, honey, but you were the only one going downtown.

Quote from Dorothy

[flashback:]
Dorothy: [to father] Oh, my God! I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here, you pervert!
Sophia: Hi, Father Rossi. Here's the canned goods for the needy.
Dorothy: Oh, no. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I promise I will say Hail Mary's until Madonna has a hit movie.

Quote from Rose

[flashback:]
Blanche: Girls! Girls! There is a busload of Greek sailors out front. They wanna know how many drachma there are in $8.00.
[present:]
Rose: I know it didn't turn out well, but it was an honest mistake. Besides, something good came out of it. We learned to make souvlaki.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: It's not easy living with somebody who's always so together. She's so efficient, so organized. She even balances her checkbook.
Dorothy: Since when is competence a crime?
Dr. Ashley: Look, Dorothy cannot be blamed for being capable.
Rose: Well, she doesn't have to lord it over us and criticize us for not living up to her standards.
Blanche: She's always harping on us to do everything just right. I'm surprised she doesn't check our underwear before we leave the house.
Dorothy: Those of you who wear underwear.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Rose: My boss at the center made a pass at me.
Sophia: Maybe you misunderstood. What exactly did he do?
Rose: He called me in his office, threw me down on the couch and kissed me.
Sophia: That's a pass. Okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it: Sicily, 1922.
Blanche: Sophia, I have a problem. I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman. What do you think I oughta do?
Sophia: I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I have a problem.
Sophia: Just sit down and listen. First, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment?
Dorothy: Yes.
Sophia: Then for the last time, picture it: Sicily, 1922.

Quote from Sophia

[flashback:]
Rose: Well, it's helping me, Sophia. What I got out of the story was that I should take a bad situation and make it better. I'm gonna tell my boss off.
Blanche: That's not quite what I got out of it. Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea.
Sophia: Yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Blanche: Thank you, Sophia.
Sophia: How about you, Dorothy, did I help with your problem?
Dorothy: You sure did. I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Sophia: Sure. You buying?
Dorothy: Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
Sophia: Did once. Let's go.

Quote from Sophia

Dr. Ashley: I'm afraid I don't understand, Sophia. They look up to you. They seek your advice. They respect your opinion. What exactly is your complaint?
Sophia: That I don't get $150 an hour like you.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I'll get the cheesecake.
Blanche: I'll get the whipped cream.
Dorothy: I'll get the chocolate syrup.
Sophia: I'll get the Polaroid. This is a time to remember.
Dorothy: Ma, you don't have a Polaroid.
Blanche: I'll get mine. It's under my bed. I have to go in there for the whipped cream anyway.


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