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‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia?’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia?

608. How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia?

Aired November 10, 1990

After the death of her friend, Sister Agnes, Sophia decides to become a nun. Meanwhile, Blanche lands Rose in legal trouble when she borrows her car and has an accident.

Quote from Blanche

Sophia: But this time, I'm gonna fulfill my destiny. This time, I'm gonna become a nun.
Dorothy: Do you believe what we just heard?
Blanche: I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "nun." The word says it.

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Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I'm her daughter Dorothy. You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: And, uh, what brings you here?
Sister Claire: The follow-up interview. We have very strict guidelines when selecting postulants, so we're going to put Sophia through a battery of psychological tests. It helps weed out the crazies and undesirables.
Dorothy: Sorry, Ma.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, Rose, good God. My heart is still poundin'. I was just in an accident.
Rose: Honey.
Blanche: But don't worry. I'm all right. I'm OK.
Rose: Oh, thank God. Any damage to your car?
Blanche: Well, that's the one bright spot. I had borrowed yours.
Rose: My car?
Blanche: You didn't ask if you could borrow my car. Well, I guess we both learned a lesson about leaving keys on the table.
Rose: Well, I can't believe this. How did it happen?
Blanche: Well, you know how I like to meet rich men by gently rear-ending expensive cars at red lights?
Rose: Yeah.
Blanche: Well, you say that like it isn't great. Rose, it's the perfect plan. You get to meet the guy, exchange addresses, then when he asks you who does good body work, you give him your phone number.
Rose: And this really works?
Blanche: Well, not this time. I had this really cute guy in a Jag lined up when this dork in a Duster cut in front of me and I nicked him instead.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what are you talking about?
Sophia: God spoke to me today at the funeral. He told me to join the order.
Blanche: God spoke to you? You haven't been eating chili dogs again, have you?
Sophia: That was an honest mistake. And to clarify, that's when I thought God was whistling to me. This was him talking.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, this is ridiculous. You don't want to be a nun.
Sophia: Yes, I do, Dorothy. God reminded me today that I've always had a dream, a very private dream, one I never talked about. When I was growing up, I wanted to join the convent. Well, until I was 17.
Rose: What happened then?
Sophia: Your father put his hand in my blouse.
Blanche: So?
Sophia: So I felt soiled, filthy, dirty. You know, in love.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the phone for a half-hour, and guess what.
Blanche: You forgot to dial first?
Rose: No.
Dorothy: You held the receiver upside down?
Rose: Unh-unh.
Dorothy: It wasn't even the phone, it was the TV remote control.
Rose: No.
Blanche: A shoe?
Rose: Blanche, please. I'm not an idiot. The TV has a remote control?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you actually went to a convent? Why didn't I know that?
Sophia: Because you're divorced. Technically, in the eyes of the church, you don't even exist. I spit on you. Unless, of course, the sister would like to spit on you first.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Excuse me. Sister, is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind.
Sophia: Think again.
Dorothy: I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be any shady pines to sit under.
Sophia: Pillow, Pussycat?

Quote from Sophia

Sister Claire: We'll start with the ink blots.
Sophia: Uh, "Who was a 1950s black singing group?" Am I right? Am I in? Am I a nun yet?
Dorothy: She watches a lot of Jeopardy!
Sister Claire: No, no. You look at each one and tell me what you see. It's a standard test used by psychologists, but we find it useful in our line of work, too. Now what do you see?
Sophia: I see an angel.
Sister Claire: Very good. How 'bout this one?
Sophia: Uh, I see a dove perched upon the throne of God.
Sister Claire: Excellent. And this?
Sophia: I see the Blessed Mother smiling sweetly as she pours love upon the hearts of the righteous standing at the gates of heaven, while St. Peter-
Dorothy: Ma! Come on, you're making that up.
Sophia: I am not.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Isn't there anything else you can do?
Blanche: Well, I suppose we could prove Mr. Nivingston was faking his injury if we could trick him into performing certain physical acts of a sexual nature. All we'd need is a devastatingly beautiful woman with a flair for seduction.
Rose: How about Mrs. Hufstad down the street? I mean, she's something of a dog, but she'll do it with anybody.
Blanche: I was talkin' about me.
Rose: Oh, yeah. You will, too.
Blanche: Rose, I won't go all the way. I'll just get him in the bedroom and, uh, put him through the normal warm-ups. And we'll have a certain Scandinavian nitwit hidin' in the closet with a camera.
Rose: Wouldn't it be better if I hid in the closet?
Blanche: Yes, Rose, I suppose it would.
Rose: But do you really think you can get him to remove the neck brace?
Blanche: Oh, please. I once got a man to crawl out of a full body cast.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia, you have no idea how much we're gonna miss you. It's like losing a member of the family.
Blanche: Rose is right. You're just like a mother to us. We feel like your daughters, too.
Sophia: I feel the same way. Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got common sense and you know what you're doing.
Rose: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: Blanche, you're a slut.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Look, I got a card from Ma. Oh, Dorothy, read it out loud. "Dear Pussycat, I have everything I need, but it's hard to get a decent bikini wax."
Blanche: Oh! Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
Dorothy: Dorothy, I remember you fondly, and the same goes for Blanche and Rita. Wish you were here. No one can reach the third shelf in the pantry. Best, Sister Ma." [laughs] God, I miss that woman.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Say what you want about her, we all loved having her around.
Rose: I'll miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
Blanche: You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like "tramp". "floozy." "Trollop." "Harlot." "Magic carpet ride."
Rose: "The human luge."
Dorothy: But she was never cuter than when she simply called you "shore leave."
Blanche: Oh, God, I miss that woman.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Look at you. A nun. I didn't think I'd be shocked like this. It's just that you look so different than when Blanche is dressed as a nun.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: So, uh, what's new at home?
Blanche: Oh, I did get a chance to go into your bedroom, Sophia, and there's just no way I'll be able to refund your cleaning deposit.
Sophia: Totally understandable. I'll see you in court, my child.

Quote from Dorothy

Mother Superior: So, Dorothy, I'll bet you love your mother a lot.
Dorothy: Well, that depends. What has she done?
Mother Superior: It's not necessarily anything specific. It's my feeling that life here is too structured for her.
Dorothy: I'm afraid I don't follow you.
Mother Superior: She is a stubborn, old, vindictive pack mule of a woman who won't follow the rules.
Dorothy: OK, I'm back with you.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: God, I'm so confused. I don't know where I belong. I'm trying to wrestle with the deep religious questions of the ages. Like, what do you really want from me? What is my real purpose in life? What was Edward G. Robinson doing in The Ten Commandments?


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