Sophia: But this time, I'm gonna fulfill my destiny. This time, I'm gonna become a nun.
Dorothy: Do you believe what we just heard?
Blanche: I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "nun." The word says it.

Dorothy: I'm her daughter Dorothy. You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

Rose: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the phone for a half-hour, and guess what.
Blanche: You forgot to dial first?
Rose: No.
Dorothy: You held the receiver upside down?
Rose: Unh-unh.
Dorothy: It wasn't even the phone, it was the TV remote control.
Rose: No.
Blanche: A shoe?
Rose: Blanche, please. I'm not an idiot. The TV has a remote control?

Mother Superior: So, Dorothy, I'll bet you love your mother a lot.
Dorothy: Well, that depends. What has she done?
Mother Superior: It's not necessarily anything specific. It's my feeling that life here is too structured for her.
Dorothy: I'm afraid I don't follow you.
Mother Superior: She is a stubborn, old, vindictive pack mule of a woman who won't follow the rules.
Dorothy: OK, I'm back with you.

Dorothy: Ma, what are you talking about?
Sophia: God spoke to me today at the funeral. He told me to join the order.
Blanche: God spoke to you? You haven't been eating chili dogs again, have you?
Sophia: That was an honest mistake. And to clarify, that's when I thought God was whistling to me. This was him talking.

Rose: Isn't there anything else you can do?
Blanche: Well, I suppose we could prove Mr. Nivingston was faking his injury if we could trick him into performing certain physical acts of a sexual nature. All we'd need is a devastatingly beautiful woman with a flair for seduction.
Rose: How about Mrs. Hufstad down the street? I mean, she's something of a dog, but she'll do it with anybody.
Blanche: I was talkin' about me.
Rose: Oh, yeah. You will, too.
Blanche: Rose, I won't go all the way. I'll just get him in the bedroom and, uh, put him through the normal warm-ups. And we'll have a certain Scandinavian nitwit hidin' in the closet with a camera.
Rose: Wouldn't it be better if I hid in the closet?
Blanche: Yes, Rose, I suppose it would.
Rose: But do you really think you can get him to remove the neck brace?
Blanche: Oh, please. I once got a man to crawl out of a full body cast.

Dorothy: And, uh, what brings you here?
Sister Claire: The follow-up interview. We have very strict guidelines when selecting postulants, so we're going to put Sophia through a battery of psychological tests. It helps weed out the crazies and undesirables.
Dorothy: Sorry, Ma.

Dorothy: Look, I got a card from Ma. Oh, Dorothy, read it out loud. "Dear Pussycat, I have everything I need, but it's hard to get a decent bikini wax."
Blanche: Oh! Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
Dorothy: Dorothy, I remember you fondly, and the same goes for Blanche and Rita. Wish you were here. No one can reach the third shelf in the pantry. Best, Sister Ma." [laughs] God, I miss that woman.

Dorothy: Say what you want about her, we all loved having her around.
Rose: I'll miss someone to have a chat with at midnight.
Blanche: You know what I'm gonna miss most about Sophia? The way she used to tease me. The way she would ever-so-subtly jab me with names like "tramp". "floozy." "Trollop." "Harlot." "Magic carpet ride."
Rose: "The human luge."
Dorothy: But she was never cuter than when she simply called you "shore leave."
Blanche: Oh, God, I miss that woman.

Dorothy: Excuse me. Sister, is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind.
Sophia: Think again.
Dorothy: I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be any shady pines to sit under.
Sophia: Pillow, Pussycat?