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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia?

‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sophia?’

Season 6, Episode 8 -  Aired November 10, 1990

After the death of her friend, Sister Agnes, Sophia decides to become a nun. Meanwhile, Blanche lands Rose in legal trouble when she borrows her car and has an accident.

Quote from Blanche

Sophia: But this time, I'm gonna fulfill my destiny. This time, I'm gonna become a nun.
Dorothy: Do you believe what we just heard?
Blanche: I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "nun." The word says it.

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Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I'm her daughter Dorothy. You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

Quote from Dorothy

Mother Superior: So, Dorothy, I'll bet you love your mother a lot.
Dorothy: Well, that depends. What has she done?
Mother Superior: It's not necessarily anything specific. It's my feeling that life here is too structured for her.
Dorothy: I'm afraid I don't follow you.
Mother Superior: She is a stubborn, old, vindictive pack mule of a woman who won't follow the rules.
Dorothy: OK, I'm back with you.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: And, uh, what brings you here?
Sister Claire: The follow-up interview. We have very strict guidelines when selecting postulants, so we're going to put Sophia through a battery of psychological tests. It helps weed out the crazies and undesirables.
Dorothy: Sorry, Ma.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what are you talking about?
Sophia: God spoke to me today at the funeral. He told me to join the order.
Blanche: God spoke to you? You haven't been eating chili dogs again, have you?
Sophia: That was an honest mistake. And to clarify, that's when I thought God was whistling to me. This was him talking.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, you're not gonna believe this. I've just been talking on the phone for a half-hour, and guess what.
Blanche: You forgot to dial first?
Rose: No.
Dorothy: You held the receiver upside down?
Rose: Unh-unh.
Dorothy: It wasn't even the phone, it was the TV remote control.
Rose: No.
Blanche: A shoe?
Rose: Blanche, please. I'm not an idiot. The TV has a remote control?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Excuse me. Sister, is it all right if I sit in? I don't think my mother would mind.
Sophia: Think again.
Dorothy: I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be any shady pines to sit under.
Sophia: Pillow, Pussycat?

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Isn't there anything else you can do?
Blanche: Well, I suppose we could prove Mr. Nivingston was faking his injury if we could trick him into performing certain physical acts of a sexual nature. All we'd need is a devastatingly beautiful woman with a flair for seduction.
Rose: How about Mrs. Hufstad down the street? I mean, she's something of a dog, but she'll do it with anybody.
Blanche: I was talkin' about me.
Rose: Oh, yeah. You will, too.
Blanche: Rose, I won't go all the way. I'll just get him in the bedroom and, uh, put him through the normal warm-ups. And we'll have a certain Scandinavian nitwit hidin' in the closet with a camera.
Rose: Wouldn't it be better if I hid in the closet?
Blanche: Yes, Rose, I suppose it would.
Rose: But do you really think you can get him to remove the neck brace?
Blanche: Oh, please. I once got a man to crawl out of a full body cast.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Look, I got a card from Ma. Oh, Dorothy, read it out loud. "Dear Pussycat, I have everything I need, but it's hard to get a decent bikini wax."
Blanche: Oh! Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
Dorothy: Dorothy, I remember you fondly, and the same goes for Blanche and Rita. Wish you were here. No one can reach the third shelf in the pantry. Best, Sister Ma." [laughs] God, I miss that woman.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: God, I'm so confused. I don't know where I belong. I'm trying to wrestle with the deep religious questions of the ages. Like, what do you really want from me? What is my real purpose in life? What was Edward G. Robinson doing in The Ten Commandments?

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