Joanne: You know who should go on The Dating Game? This sad sack!
Geoff: Sad sack?
Barry: You're basically the human equivalent of a dropped ice-cream cone with ants on it and a bootprint.
Matt: I saw this doc where whales that sing out of key get lost and die alone. You're sadder.
Naked Rob: I heard you weeping in the bathroom.
Geoff: Okay, I'm a little down, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to date.
Joanne: So you're just gonna be single?
Geoff: What? "Single" is not a bad word!
Barry: Here's some other words for you... alone, abandoned, forsaken, deserted, Albuquerque.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was April 21st, -something, and despite some initial bumps, my dad's new business partnership was about to pay off.
Formica Mike: Great news, fellas! I told ya white wicker furniture was a gold mine!
Vic: Nothing adorns a tasteful sunroom better than a woven rattan.
Formica Mike: Those saps slurped it up like Mom's matzoh. Well, not my mom, because she was a horrible cook, an even worse woman, but you know what I mean.
Murray: Wicker and soup. Enough said.
Formica Mike: There's more. Much more! [hands Murray and Vic their checks]
Murray: Is this a mistake?
Formica Mike: No mistake.
Vic: I've never seen so many numbers! Look at 'em all. There's a 7 and 9 and... a-and they brought their old pal 3.
Murray: And yours doesn't have as many zeroes as mine does.
Vic: Thank you for putting my joyful moment into perspective.
Formica Mike: Welcome to the world of the filthy rich. You get one free murder. Use it wisely.
Murray: What should I do with this?
Formica Mike: Murray, listen to your best friend.
Murray: Is that you in this case?
Formica Mike: Think big! Do something that will cow your enemies or shame your family.
Vic: Or... something nice. I'm gonna get a Vespa scooter. It's a whole culture.
Formica Mike: Well, that's a crap example. But sure!

Murray: I bought... a house... on the beach.
Beverly: Is this real? [Murray nods] Does constant nagging actually work?
Murray: You're welcome, m'lady.
Beverly: Every summer, that Jane Bales rolls off to her shore home like she's better than me. Well, guess what! I'm better than me! Suck it, Jane!

Jane Bales: Well, this better be good. I left the tennis club for this.
Beverly: Oh, you play tennis?
Jane Bales: I know that you don't know, but that's a very non-tennis club member thing to ask.
Beverly: Here's something you don't know... I have a beach house. And it's not a crappy timeshare like yours, Ginzy. Wait. It's not a timeshare, is it?
Murray: Full-time!
Beverly: In your face, Ginzy! Have fun in your sad November beach house filled with other people's silverware.
Virginia Kremp: Oh, well, we were actually thinking of going to Greece this summer, so...
Beverly: No one cares! [singsong voice] I have a summer house.

Essie Karp: Bevy, that's so exciting. Hey, if there's a free weekend...
Beverly: No. First rule of our beach house... "no moochers." It's on a driftwood sign covered in seashells.
Vic: So where is the beach house? Margate? Ventnor?
Beverly: I don't know, because my romantic and spontaneous husband surprised me.
Linda Schwartz: Did you marry someone new?
Murray: Nope, it was me, her dynamic and handsome first husband.
Beverly: Well, I hate to rush you out, but managing two households is extremely time-consuming, so thanks for being jealous, everyone.

Erica: So...
Geoff: So...
Barry: Enough terrible small talk. I'll start the ball rolling. Geoff's gonna be on The Dating Game.
Geoff: I am?
Erica: He is?
Geoff: But I didn't even sign up.
Barry: I did. Ms. Cinoman gave me the number of a producer, and I badgered him with my unique brand of persuasive energy until he said yes.

Lisa: See that cute guy over there? He's already given you three refills. He totally digs you. [Erica gasps] [singsong voice] And he's coming over here.
Erica: What? No, no, no. I can't talk to human boys. Oh, here's one now.
Heath: Can I top you off?
Erica: Sure. Love your beans. Coffee beans, I mean. Other beans I like... garbanzo, pinto, mung. [Lisa kicks Erica under the table] Ow! So, Heat. That's an unusual name. Are your parents big fans of NBA expansion teams?
Heath: It's Heath. Like the candy bar.
Erica: You can call me Whatchamacallit. [thud] Ow!
Heath: So, I'm wondering, do you maybe want to hang out sometime?
Erica: Wow. So I guess I didn't have to list off all those beans. [thud] Ow! And, yes, for sure. Let's hang.

Barry: Now, "us" are gonna help you with some role playing. Joanne will be our bachelorette.
Joanne: Ooh.
Barry: Matt Bradley, Geoff, and I will be bachelors. Naked Rob, hoot and holler as needed.
Geoff: What? No! Please don't make me reply to my sister's sexy innuendos.
Barry: You will. Jo-Jo, ask your brother/suitor a sexually charged question.

Joanne: Bachelor Number One, say we're stuck in a glass elevator...
Geoff: Yeah, I'm out.
Barry: No! Back in! Blood relative or not, you need practice talking suggestively. Say the words.
Geoff: Gah. Fine. I guess I would push all the right buttons? [Barry groans]
Joanne: I'm your sister, you weirdo!
Naked Rob: You have the same mom!
Matt: I guess he's over Erica.
Geoff: I'm gonna go.

Beverly: Bill, can I speak to you over here next to the water damage that made a face?
Bill Lewis: Yeah.
Beverly: What the hell are you doing?
Bill Lewis: I'm sorry, but look at him. I'm not gonna take his happiness.
Beverly: Take it! There's not that much there. He won't even know it's gone!