Adam: Gah!
Vic: I'm here to apologize. I may have said some untoward things about you being a goober, a spaz, a weenie, a total buttweed.
Adam: Yeah. I don't need a whole recap.
Vic: I also said that your flimsy, unformed child body was not only shapeless, but weak and gross.
Adam: I kinda have to get to class.
Vic: Additionally, I spoke of your manly prowess as a joke.
Adam: You know who you should really meet? Asha! Andrew!
Vic: Well, who in the hell is this smiling simpleton?
Adam: Okay, then. You three have fun.

Ren: I'm just so glad that my mom and dad aren't like those psycho parents that are in your face all the time.
Erica: Totally.
Ren: Holy crap. We should all grab brunch together this weekend.
Erica: That is... an idea. Here's the thing... They can never meet you.
Ren: What? Why not?
Erica: 'Cause they were, um... Lost at sea.
Ren: What?
Erica: Yeah, that's a real thing that I just told you from my mouth.
Ren: Oh, my God. Were they, like, on a cruise or something?
Erica: Yes. That makes the most sense. Yeah, they... They were cruising for a bruisin'... And they got one.

Asha: So, I have to ask... How'd you beat out Andrew Gallery?
Adam: If I had to guess, pure unbridled talent.
Ms. Cinoman: Wrong. In the play, Romeo is a confused 15-year-old. I thought Adam would be perfect because he still has the wildly underdeveloped body and crude acting of a young boy.
Adam: You honor me.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And with that, Parents Thursday was a go. It all kicked off at the ladies' field hockey equipment closet.
Barry: If we had a key, you'd see a lot of sticks. Moving on.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And they did, to a sketchy burrito joint nine miles from campus.
Barry: We come here all the time. What the hell is a "kimi-conga"?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Of course, no school tour is complete without a stop at the dorm facilities room.
Barry: I push these buttons all the time. Beep, boop, beep, boop. [whirring]

Ms. Cinoman: Okay! All right! All right! No more! That's enough. That's enough. Adam, I knew you were the right choice, because that was sensuous.
Adam: Thanks, I think. We're children, so it's a little weird.
Ms. Cinoman: It was spicy, like a Cuban night.
Adam: That's not much better.
Ms. Cinoman: I mean, it's like I just came out of a Turkish sauna!

Dave Kim: Dude, this is better than you could have ever imagined. All the kissing's making Dana crazy, and Asha's clearly into you now, too.
Adam: You think Asha's into me?
Dave Kim: Have you seen her notebook? It's got "AG" written all over it.
Adam: I'm "AG." I only signed up for this play to stop Dana from kissing that handsome douche, and now I'm the handsome douche.
Dave Kim: You're gonna be a theater department legend, right up there with that guy who freed all the cats during Cats, and then they couldn't catch all the cats, so now we can't do Cats anymore.

Beverly: [singsong voice] Happy Parents Weekend.
Barry: Erica said you were upset, but your wrapped gifts and cheery tone say otherwise.
Erica: Not buying it. What's your game, Mom?
Beverly: I am a mom, strange girl, just not yours.
Geoff: She's pretending to not be your mom to get back at you.
Erica: Yeah, thanks, Geoff. Good add.
Geoff: Uh-huh.
Beverly: I'm just here to celebrate Parents Weekend with my one child who attends this university.
Geoff: She's wearing a sweater that's so sparkly and vindictive.
Erica: Why are you just saying the things we can all see?

Erica: Oh, [bleep].
Ren: Ooh, are we randomly cursing? Ass!
Erica: No. It's Parents Weekend.
Ren: I know. I'm stoked. Gene and Rita are taking me somewhere fancy to eat.
Erica: Gene and Rita? That's so informal. It's like you consider them people.
Ren: Yeah, my mom's a kickass defense attorney. She puts bad people back on the street. And, uh, my dad owns a couple restaurants in the city.
Erica: Wow, we have so much in common. I mean, my mom could have been a lawyer, and my dad owns something he calls restaurant pants.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] The '80s sparked some of the most iconic couples ever! From Loni and Burt to Goldie and Kurt, if you acted together, you usually ended up together. And since my ex, Dana, had come back into my life, I secretly hoped the fall play would rekindle our romance.
Ms. Cinoman: Ladies and lords, hold on to your Tudor caps. Romeo and Juliet!
Adam: Yes! It's West Side Story without the fun music or Latino gangs.

Dave Kim: I haven't read it yet, but Carla's always saying how we're totally gonna end up like Romeo and Juliet.
Adam: Oh, boy.