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29Quotes from ‘Mister Knifey-Hands’

The Goldbergs: Mister Knifey-Hands

605. Mister Knifey-Hands

Aired October 24, 2018

Beverly and Murray are upset when Jackie's parents help Adam through a problem. Meanwhile, Erica tries to relive her days as the cool kid at school.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You know my number-one rule, No scary movies.
Adam: That's the thing, it's not scary. "Elm Street" is actually a very charming rom-com.
Beverly: "High school friends are slaughtered in their sleep by the predatory monster of their shared nightmares"?
Adam: Gah! What's the worst that can happen?
Beverly: I don't know. Why don't you ask Joyce Dimarco's son Anthony? He didn't sleep for three years after watching "The Exorcist," so his body never grew. Well, now he's a 4'7" adult man who needs a special stool to use a sink!
Adam: Mom, I've slept enough to reach every sink!

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Quote from Murray

Adam: Vin and Lynn are cool and thoughtful and political and go to protests-
Murray: Whoa, whoa, wait, they're hippies?
Adam: Oh, no! Don't mix in, too! Just go back to napping!
Murray: You never told me that your girlfriend comes from hippie stock! Oh, no!
Beverly: Great, now you got your father all riled up.
Adam: My God! Why do you hate hippies so much?
Murray: Because back in college, they were all off making free love, while I was making $2 an hour slicing rye bread in a deli!
Beverly: Enough with the rye bread, Murray. Take a walk.
Murray: Yeah, yeah.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: It's just a few nightmares. I don't need your help.
Beverly: Tonight we're gonna start with a relaxing bubble bath.
Adam: No baths. I'm a shower man now.
Beverly: After that, I'm gonna toast up your jammies real nice in the dryer, and then I'll tuck you in real tight to seal in the safeness.
Adam: You do know that none of this will actually help me.
Beverly: For your information, science has proven that Mamas can love away the fear.
Adam: What science proves that?!
Beverly: At Yale, they scared a thousand kids. Half were given mama love. Half were given a placebo. Guess which kids stopped having nightmares?
Adam: None, 'cause it never happened!
Beverly: I could've been a scientist. I rest my case. Cause I could've been a lawyer as well.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Look! They have hay rides! Hay makes everything better!
Beverly: Tell that to Rachel Hublitz's nephew who went on a hay ride and the open-air wagon turned over. They had to saw him out of the wreckage, and they accidentally cut the poor boy in half. Now he's just a torso and has to ride a special medical skateboard to his job at the DMV.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Boom! This year, you and me are going as the white hot hit-making duo, Daryl Hall and John Oates!
Erica: No and no.
Pops: I don't get it either. In my day, there were only two costumes, a ghost and a witch.
Geoff: Please, Erica! You know it's always been my dream to go to the Halloween dance in a bad-ass couple's costume based on clever wordplay!

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Geoff, I love you. But your dream is beyond embarrassing.
Geoff: I knew you'd be resistant and nasty, which is why I came up with some backups so good you can't possibly say no!
Pops: Terrific! I always enjoy a good presentation!
Geoff: Look, we can be Tim Burton's best movie! "Beetlejuice"! I'm the beetle. You're the juice. "Falcon Crest." Doctor. J. John. Candy. LEGGO my EGGO. Corn. Dog. Or we circle back to Daryl Hall and John Oates! Comments?
Pops: What's happening right now?
Erica: Good question, Pops.
Geoff: Trust me, this will make sense if you just wear the cough drops.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Okay, so, I narrowed it down to these 29 horror movies.
Jackie: I think all we need is one. "Nightmare on Elm Street."
Adam: Yeah, I'm not so sure. Something about Freddy Krueger really freaks me out. It could be the face or the claws or the whole fall-asleep and-you-die concept.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: I'm old enough to see this movie!
Beverly: Okay, fine. You wanna rent a scary movie? Here.
Adam: "An American Tail"?
Beverly: It's bone chilling. It's about a Russian-Semitic mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz who immigrates to America.
Adam: How is that scary?!
Beverly: Well, he gets separated from his mama. But don't worry. He finds her again. Ohh! I just ruined the whole thing! Well, it doesn't matter, 'cause you're gonna love it! I'm gonna get us some cheesy snacks for my little mouse man.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Please, all I'm asking for is five measly minutes as Daryl Hall and John Oates.
Erica: For the millionth time, I'm not going to some lame high-school dance.
Geoff: But it won't be lame because you make everything cooler. That's why you're Halls! It's known for its icy-cold penetrating vapor action!

Quote from Erica

Erica: Some days I just wake up and I go, "You know what? I'm gonna do nothing today," and I go right back to sleep.

Quote from Murray

Vinnie: Just bobbing for some apples. You want a turn, Mur?
Murray: Do I want communal fruit from a hippie tub? I'm good.

Quote from Adam

Erica: Hello, fine purveyor of spirits. I would like nine kegs of your cheapest and frothiest beer, please.
Andy Cesunda: Gonna need to see some ID.
Erica: I was prepared for that. Pla-dow!
Andy Cesunda: This is a freshman college ID.
Erica: Which proves I'm not some high-school bozo off the street.
Andy Cesunda: It also proves that you're not 21.
Erica: Would it help if I told you that I really need a keg to look cool?
Andy Cesunda: It would not.
Erica: Would it matter if I cried and/or begged?
Andy Cesunda: Still a no.

Quote from Murray

Vinnie: I think we've been here already.
Beverly: Well, clueless people, clueless parents.
Lynn: Okay! That's it, Beverly! You have seriously crossed the line!
Beverly: Please, all I did was question whether you should bring another child into this world.
Murray: And a hippie child no less.
Vinnie: Ugh, we get it! You hate hippies 'cause you were lame in college!
Murray: I worked two jobs to get through Penn State. You don't think I wanted to dance and wear beads?
Lynn: No. Can't imagine you wanting any of that.
Beverly: You have no idea what this complicated man wants!

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: Keg's kicked, pal.
Coach Mellor: Can you spot me a ride?
Mr. Glascott: Oh. I guess that is the responsible thing to do after you drank all of these very real beers. Uh, where do you live?
Coach Mellor: Paramus.
Mr. Glascott: That's like two hours away!
Coach Mellor: Not if we make a pit stop in Secaucus. I got to pick up my special protein powder from my protein guy.You're gonna like that guy. He is ripped. And then, we can go see my Aunt Stephanie. You're gonna like her. She's ripped.
Mr. Glascott: Okay, look. The beer is fake. You're fine. Get home safe.


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