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46Quotes from ‘Hersheypark’

The Goldbergs: Hersheypark

604. Hersheypark

Aired October 17, 2018

After Beverly guilts Adam into letting her chaperone a school trip, she shares her tactics with her fellow parents. Meanwhile, Geoff doesn't want to go into his father's ophthalmologist business.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: Well, I told my mom, "No more! Dave Kim is a grown-up who doesn't need his mommy on some field trip! Now sign my permission slip and lay out my clothes!"

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Quote from Adam

Adam: Hersheypark has been closed and our trip is off!
Beverly: Why are they trying to ruin our precious time together?!
Adam: 'Cause of the Chocolate Wars. You didn't hear about it on the news?
Beverly: No, I don't watch the news. It aggravates your father until he throws his shoe at the TV.
Adam: It's those Fudge Barons at Nestle Megacorp. They declared an all-out war on Mr. Goodbar so they shut down the amusement park.
Beverly: Screw those Chocolate War-Mongers! I just made a fresh batch of Oooey Gooey Fudgy Chewies. [chuckles] These always cheer you up.
Jackie: Wow. He's good.
Dave Kim: Maybe the best.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What the hell, ladies and Vinny? What happened to our PTA meeting?
Vinny: We got bumped. Mellor's talking to all the field trip chaperones.
Beverly: Field trip? Doesn't he know the amusement park is closed indefinitely?
Coach Mellor: What? The park is closed?
Beverly: Hello? Nestle pulled out of the Cocoa Accords. There's been a travel advisory. All non-essential personnel must steer clear.
Mrs. Kim: Uh, Beverly? None of your insane words are true.
Beverly: But that's not possible. Adam swore to me that Reese's was literally blown to pieces.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: What I'm about to show you is the most lethal and powerful weapon in a yenta's arsenal. The guilt letter.
Vinny: You wrote eight pages on both sides?
Beverly: Yes. Everything you're about to hear has been written by Beverly Goldberg and sent to her children.
This is all real.
Mrs. Kim: "Adam, I gave birth to you, fed and nurtured you, dried your tears, and made you the center of my universe. But the way you treated me today makes me regret it all."
Vinny: Wait, you really wrote this?
Beverly: Again, every word is 100% true.

Quote from Beverly

Virginia Kremp: "I don't know another human being on this earth who would treat their parent this way, especially four weeks before Mother's Day."
Vinny: That's how you started an actual letter?
Beverly: Oh, sweet, stupid Vincent Geary. The opening is everything. I call it the "Guilt Grabber."
Vinny: Oh, I got to write this down.
Beverly: Wait. You can't just copy what I say. Once I teach you the basic structure, you have to find your own spiteful voice.
Mrs. Mirsky: You have a whole structure?
Beverly: Of course I do. Now, after the guilt grabber, you deliver your emotionally devastating thesis, wherein you single them out as the most ungrateful child the world has ever known.

Quote from Beverly

Mrs. Kim: "Not only am I ashamed to have such a cruel, selfish son, but I may never sleep again knowing how I failed as a mother." My God, who writes this?
Beverly: Literally me, no joke. Next comes the body of the letter, in which you present the many hurtful specifics that demonstrate how much you've sacrificed for your baby.
Virginia Kremp: "I haven't slept since you were born and gave my whole life to you. Not once did I focus on myself. I could have been a lawyer!"
Beverly: Again, something I actually wrote to my children.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Alright, hit the showers or generously spray on deodorant.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Never in all my years in the gymanatorial arts have I ever been so blatantly disrespected.

Quote from Adam

Chad Kremp: I can't believe we're finally going to Hershey, Pennsylvania! I hear the air there smells like chocolate!
Jackie: I hear the streets are paved with nougat!
Adam: When you're over five feet tall, you're considered a Twizzler. It means we can go on any ride.

Quote from Adam

Dave Kim: Well, we can go on any ride. Your mom always chaperones and there's no way she'll let you loose into Chocolate Town USA without her.
Emmy: It's your own fault, dude. The rest of us forced our parents to stop chaperoning years ago.
Chad Kremp: Yeah, all you got to do is lay down some clear boundaries with your mom.
Adam: Oh. Uh, oh, is that all I got to do? Huh. I didn't know it was so easy! Thank you, Clueless Chad!
Chad Kremp: You get mean when it involves your mom.
Adam: My mom needs these field trips. It's the only school opportunity she has left to painfully insert herself into my life.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, niblets. How would you feel about interning in the exciting world of new and recycled furniture sales?
Geoff: Um, maybe I guess.
Murray: You're hired. And by hired, I don't mean I'm actually paying you.

Quote from Dave Kim

Mrs. Kim: Exactly. You're the last person in the world he wants on a field trip.
Beverly: But chaperoning is the one thing I'm still allowed to be a part of!
Mrs. Kim: Just feel lucky you made it to 10th grade, Bev.
Vinny: Jackie cut me off in 8th grade. Independence Hall.
Virginia Kremp: 6th grade, Freedom Trail.
Mrs. Kim: 5th grade. Ben Franklin Museum. Dave Kim told me to... go fly a kite.
Mrs. Mirsky: For me it was 3rd grade. My Emmy is garbage.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Beverly: But those field trips are my only window into Adam's day-to-day life. Without them, how am I supposed to know how he's doing in school?
Mrs. Kim: You could just ask him when he comes home?
Beverly: Please. Whenever I ask about his day, all I get is "Muh."
Vinny: Aw, you get actual sounds? I just get soul-destroying silence.
Beverly: Well, you may all be fine with a frosty cold "muh" at the end of your day, but not Beverly Goldberg. Coach, put me down for chaperone.
Coach Mellor: But your son made it clear you're the worst and you can't go.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: Lucky for me, I have a way to get Adam to say yes to whatever I want.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was true. She really did. Before parents could guilt their kids through texts or e-mails, my mom used the Guilt Letter. These passive-aggressive tirades of manipulation were a true art form. And if her words didn't get to you, the mom tears on the letter sure would.
Adam: Balls!

Quote from Barry

Lou Schwartz: Okay, you can take your son back now! He's been shadowing me all day.
Barry: In fact, I learned so much, Dr. Lou said I don't have to go back tomorrow!
Lou Schwartz: Or ever again. We'll play it by ear.
Geoff: Oh, crap, it's my dad. Hello, Father.
Lou Schwartz: Geoffrey? Where were you all day? There was an outbreak of pink eye.
Barry: So gunky, bro.
Geoff: Ew, bummed I missed it. Ew.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Hi, Mama. I just wanted to say sorry and all.
Beverly: For?
Adam: For being a bad son and not appreciating the time you spent baking me in your belly.
Beverly: And how will you make it up to me?
Adam: Maybe you can chaperone the field trip?
Beverly: I'll have to move some things around, but I'll be there. Now go. Be a boy!

Quote from Beverly

Virginia Kremp: Beverly, these crazy guilt letters are a game-changer.
Vinny: Thank you for this amazing, hateful gift.
Mrs. Kim: You truly are a genius of our time.
Beverly: It's so nice to finally be recognized. [crying] Quick, give me your paper. Let's not waste these.

Quote from Barry

Lou Schwartz: Your father ruined my son. This morning, Geoffrey said he wanted to go to a liberal arts college like Vassar where he can find himself.
Barry: But you've mapped out the next 10 years of his life, which ends in him taking over your thriving practice.
Lou Schwartz: All I ever wanted was an apprentice who cares, but now there's no one.
Barry: Geoff is as blind as a patient who needs a penetrating keratoplasty.
Lou Schwartz: I know. You rearranged the entire filing system, and my apprentice wasn't even here to see that.
Barry: This is worse than that one patient who had the viral eye infection of the retina.
Lou Schwartz: Which I missed and you pointed out. Thanks for that, by the way.
Barry: Enough is enough! You need an apprentice. This is shameful.
Lou Schwartz: I want the old Geoff back!
Barry: And you'll get him back! As leader of the JTP, he has to do exactly what I say.

Quote from Barry

Barry: You will do exactly what I say, Schwartz.
Geoff: No.
Barry: No?!
Andy: Since when does he say no?
Geoff: Since I'm done being the doormat of the JTP.
Barry: But that's your role. Each friendship group has a doormat, a leader, a Naked One, a tiny pocket man, and a lame Matt Bradley!

Quote from Adam

Adam: I don't get it. You all said you cut your parents off from chaperoning ages ago.
Chad Kremp: I did, but last night my mom wrote me this heartbreaking eight-page letter, and I caved.
Jackie: Same here. My dad even circled his tears on the paper.
Erica: My mom did the same thing. Listen to this. "And when I literally die from the disappointment, please do not"
Dave Kim: "Visit my grave site."
Adam: Lemme see those letters. Look. They're all the same. See? My mom also has a hole in her heart the shape of me.
Dave Kim: My mom has that same kid-shaped hole!
Adam: This can only be the work of one woman, Beverly Goldberg.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: What are we gonna do, man? I can't ever read another one of these. I cried in my mom's bosom. Her bosom!

Quote from Murray

Mr. Glascott: I expected more from you, Mr. Schwartz. Anything to say before I decide your punishment?
Murray: Yeah. Why am I here? The kid's got his own dad. Call him.
Geoff: Yeah, but he's busy, and he'll be so mad.
Murray: But I'm busy and I'm mad.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: You're mad? My jaw is seizing up with anger.
Mr. Glascott: Dang it, Rick. You got to chew some Gator Gum like a grown man and calm the heck down. Follow me.


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