‘Mister Knifey-Hands’
Season 6, Episode 5 - Aired October 24, 2018
Beverly and Murray are upset when Jackie's parents help Adam through a problem. Meanwhile, Erica tries to relive her days as the cool kid at school.
Quote from Murray
Vinnie: Just bobbing for some apples. You want a turn, Mur?
Murray: Do I want communal fruit from a hippie tub? I'm good.
Quote from Adam
Erica: Hello, fine purveyor of spirits. I would like nine kegs of your cheapest and frothiest beer, please.
Andy Cesunda: Gonna need to see some ID.
Erica: I was prepared for that. Pla-dow!
Andy Cesunda: This is a freshman college ID.
Erica: Which proves I'm not some high-school bozo off the street.
Andy Cesunda: It also proves that you're not 21.
Erica: Would it help if I told you that I really need a keg to look cool?
Andy Cesunda: It would not.
Erica: Would it matter if I cried and/or begged?
Andy Cesunda: Still a no.
Quote from Murray
Vinnie: I think we've been here already.
Beverly: Well, clueless people, clueless parents.
Lynn: Okay! That's it, Beverly! You have seriously crossed the line!
Beverly: Please, all I did was question whether you should bring another child into this world.
Murray: And a hippie child no less.
Vinnie: Ugh, we get it! You hate hippies 'cause you were lame in college!
Murray: I worked two jobs to get through Penn State. You don't think I wanted to dance and wear beads?
Lynn: No. Can't imagine you wanting any of that.
Beverly: You have no idea what this complicated man wants!
Quote from Mr. Glascott
Mr. Glascott: Keg's kicked, pal.
Coach Mellor: Can you spot me a ride?
Mr. Glascott: Oh. I guess that is the responsible thing to do after you drank all of these very real beers. Uh, where do you live?
Coach Mellor: Paramus.
Mr. Glascott: That's like two hours away!
Coach Mellor: Not if we make a pit stop in Secaucus. I got to pick up my special protein powder from my protein guy.You're gonna like that guy. He is ripped. And then, we can go see my Aunt Stephanie. You're gonna like her. She's ripped.
Mr. Glascott: Okay, look. The beer is fake. You're fine. Get home safe.
Quote from Mr. Glascott
Mr. Glascott: Well, well! If it isn't one of our illustrious alumni, Erica Goldberg!
Erica: Hey, Mr. Glascott. Um, don't you have your own, like, teacher's spot or something?
Mr. Glascott: I do, but there's always a student parked in it, so I park here and then wear a pair of comfortable walking shoes.
Erica: Cool stuff, very sad, gotta go!
Mr. Glascott: Oh, wait, before you run off, do you mind coming in and talking to the kids? It's very inspiring for them to hear a success story from one of our former students.
Erica: I would, but being back here is depressing, so no way never?
Mr. Glascott: That's the sassafras I remember! Come on, we can walk together!
Quote from Erica
Mr. Glascott: Young minds, look who it is! Erica Goldberg. [chuckles] She's here to tell you all about the magical and exciting chapter after high school.
Erica: Well, I went to college in DC Ooh! Where the President lives. And then I dropped out to follow my real dream, which is being a rock star.
Johnny Atkins: Intriguing. Could you expound on the risks and rewards of leaving academia behind?
Mr. Glascott: Good Lord, no!
Carla: So in your experience, would you say college was a waste of time?
Erica: I would say high school was a waste of time.
Mr. Glascott: No, no, no, no, no!
Johnny Atkins: I knew it! The whole American educational system is bogus!
Mr. Glascott: Man, this really turned on me! Please just leave!
Erica: You were right, Schwartz. Coming back to school wasn't so bad after all. Later, turds!
Mr. Glascott: She just ate my new apple.
Quote from Erica
Erica: This bad boy stuck again?
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Erica: Some things never change. [hits vending machine]
Dan: Wow! You're like the Fonz but hot!
Erica: Aay! 'Cause Fonzie.
Quote from Beverly
Beverly: My God, you look schluffy. A Mama can always tell! What's going on with you?
Adam: Okay, fine. I'm too exhausted to mount a defense! I watched "Nightmare on Elm Street" at Jackie's house.
Beverly: What? Where were Vinny and Lynn?
Adam: They rented it for us.
Beverly: Knowing full well that it's a terrifying movie about Fredward Kroeger?!
Adam: Yes! 'Cause they trust Jackie and respect her opinion 'cause she's an adult who can make her own decisions.
Beverly: Sweet God! What else happens in this lawless house built on the trust of children?
Quote from Matt
Adam: See, Erica's become one of those losers who still hangs around after she's graduated.
Erica: Get your cookies!
Geoff: Matt, tell me it's gonna be okay!
Matt: I usually try and find a positive spin on things, but, um, this one's hard.
Geoff: Oh, no, even eternal optimist Matt Bradley lost hope?! What do I do?!
Quote from Erica
Erica: Brownie on the house for my number-one customer.
Geoff: And as your number one, I feel like it's my job to tell you that people are calling you a lame-ass sad sack stuck in thirteenth grade. Not me! People.
Erica: What people? Wait, is it Dan?!
Geoff: Honestly, it's not.
Erica: Oh, I am gonna make this school year a living hell for that goofus!
Geoff: No! You can't go around school terrorizing goofuses! You're an adult now! It's a crime!
Erica: Dan brought this on himself! If he wants to dance, then we'll dance!
Geoff: Don't dance with Dan!