Geoff: Baby, younger baby, guess what. Five miles in under 32 minutes.
Adam: That's awesome... or terrible. It's a sport, so I famously don't know the ins and outs.

Beverly: Excuse me. [glass clinking] I have something to say. Excuse me. As many of you know, I was reluctant to host Thanksgiving this year because I was afraid it wouldn't be like it always is.
Adam: Sorry, Mama.
Barry: We failed you.
Beverly: No, you didn't. Because you gave me a Thanksgiving that is exactly like it always has been. This is who we are. I mean, sure, we argue, but it all comes from a place of love. So thank you.
Mr. Glascott: I'd like to say what I'm thankful for.
Beverly: There's a time and a place, John.

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, no one hosted Thanksgiving like my mom. From turkey to taters, her dinners were legendary. And no one loved them more than me and my brother, Barry.
Barry: It's 24 hours until Thanksgiving, and soon we will stuff our faces to the point of overwhelming nausea... just like the pilgrims first did many years ago.
Adam: America!
Barry: We overeat to honor those who cannot, which is why I created a food plan so we can ensure our stomachs are properly expanded.
Adam: Wake up at 3:00 A.M. to eat 1.75 Toaster Strudels?
Barry: It is crazy how much I'm learning in med school.

Barry: Why are you giving away the dishes that hold my Thanksgiving foods before they enter my mouth and fill my belly?
Beverly: Well, it felt weird to have Thanksgiving here without your dad, so I told Linda she could host it. Oh, Lou, grab a dish.
Lou Schwartz: Sadly, I cannot. I sprained my wrist opening jars for Linda.
Linda Schwartz: He has very sensitive joints. That's why I mow the lawn.
Barry: Enough with your obviously fractured marriage. I heard the word "jars". You do know everything must be homemade from scratch, including in-season fruit pies?
Adam: And that means fruit from trees, Linda.
Beverly: Boys, be nice! What her food lacks in taste it more than makes up for with its disturbing presentation.
Linda Schwartz: Thank you. Wha... Wait, what?

Adam: Erica, I'm desperately seeking my Desperately Seeking Susan video and... [Erica turns around as she breast feeds Muriel] Sister parts! I'll come back or not.
Erica: Please, don't go. I could really use some human interaction.
Adam: Seems to me you're having a very intense human interaction.
Erica: Well, I would talk to Geoff, but he's not here. You know where he is?
Adam: Somewhere he's not confronted with the mysteries of the female body?
Erica: The twerp's actually out for a run.
Adam: Good for him, moving his body. Not my bag, but some people swear by it.
Erica: He's training for the Turkey Trot. Living his best life. Meanwhile, I'm cooped up here every morning. [Muriel cooing] Shoot, I lost track. Do you remember which breast she was on when you came in?
Adam: You really can't sense other people's discomfort, can you?

Geoff: Here I was thinking that having a baby would slow me down. If anything, my times are improving.
Erica: Great story. Well told.
Geoff: Oh, and I borrowed your Vaseline for my nipples. Runner's World said that it helps prevent chafing, which I was starting to have an issue with.
Erica: Oh, were your nipples a source of discomfort?
Geoff: But no more, thanks to a generous glop of medicinal jelly.
Erica: Okay. Get the [bleep] out.
Geoff: What?
Erica: What? I said get out of here and take a shower, you maniac.
Geoff: Oh, right. [chuckles] Yeah, back in a bit. God, I have so much energy. Whoo!

Erica: What about me? I'd like to run, but no, I'm a lonely dairy cow. And do lonely dairy cows get to run?
Adam: I'm gonna say... no?
Erica: No, we don't. We just sit here smelling like spit-up and despair while the life force is literally drained from us.
Adam: And what's drained from me is the desire to ever drink milk again. Goodbye.

Beverly: The grocery store was a zoo. I had to fight a woman for a yam. [chuckles] The only thing that got candied was her ass.
Barry: Your hands look full, so I'll help you out by telling you now I'd like a whole picnic watermelon for lunch.
Beverly: Barry, it's November.
Barry: Cubed, no seeds, in a glass bowl so I can make sure you made no mistakes.

Barry: Marvin's here. Be nice, Pop-Pop.
Pop-Pop: Eh, I was nice once, wasn't for me. [Barry opens the door]
Marvin: Barry, thank you for having us. I brought flowers.
Pop-Pop: Probably picked 'em from his neighbor's garden.
Barry: These are store-bought! They're wrapped in that fancy brown paper like a dirty magazine.

Beverly: Marvin, oh, it's so good to see you! [gasps] And who is this vision in brown?
Barry: Mom, this is Martha. Why don't you take her and her green beans into the kitchen and show her how you get yours extra creamy?
Beverly: Oh, well, the trick is... heavy on the heavy cream. [chuckles]