Murray: He quit after eight lessons because he didn't want to bike the six blocks to get there. It hardly makes him Chuck Norris.

Beverly: That was the greatest thing my eyeballs have ever, ever seen!

Pops: Oh, there's a chance, 'cause I'm gonna get you to do it.
Erica: Uh, not gonna happen!
Pops: We'll see!
Erica: Waste of time!
Pops: Can't hear you!

Murray: Good morning, Bar. Nice karate pajamas.
Barry: It's called a gi. You need to educate yourself, man. See more movies.

Murray: Listen, I know your mom loves this whole Hong Kong-fooey act, but haven't you considered doing something else?
Barry: Why would I ever do that?
Murray: Because you're Barry Goldberg, a man of many different talents.
Barry: It's true. I am great at a lot of stuff. Skateboarding, rapping, break-dancing. A little pop-and-lock action.

Barry: I'm out again!
Beverly: What?!
Barry: Mr. Glascott said the national talent show committee overruled the tri-state talent show committee.
Murray: Well, this is very surprising and unacceptable, but they have made their ruling, and I believe we should honor it.
Barry: The talent show committee system in this country's broken!

Beverly: National committee, huh?
Murray: Well, it's more powerful than the tri-state committee. What can I say?
Beverly: This is unbelievable. You trotted down to that school after being so judgy with me about it?
Murray: Hey, I'm just being an involved parent.
You told me that was a good thing.
Beverly: Not when you do it. You got your own son kicked out of a talent show. Who does that?

Murray: Look, I'm doing the kid a favor by not wearing mom goggles all the time.
Beverly: Mom what?
Murray: Goggles! We all know you wear 'em! It makes you think our kids are so brilliant and perfect and poop rainbows. For once, just take those mom goggles off and admit that our wonderful children are terrible at so many different things.

Murray: Accept our children's mediocrity! It's freeing!
Adam: Seriously? I'm right here!
Murray: Oh, not not you. You're fantastic.
Adam: Yeah, you're a real gem yourself.

Murray: Barry, you can't do this act. I speak from experience.
Barry: What are you talking about?
Murray: When I was your age, I was the funniest guy on the football team.
Barry: Funny? Since when are you funny?
Murray: I'm plenty funny, okay? I was hilarious. I used to tell dirty jokes, I'd snap guys with a towel. I gave everybody a nickname, like, uh, Pretty Boy and Shorty.
Barry: Those are terrible nicknames.
Murray: Shorty wasn't short. As a matter of fact, he was a giant.
Barry: Oh, my God.
Murray: Had a gland problem. Actually sad stuff.
Barry: What's the point to this?
Murray: The point is, the coach said, "Murray, you're a card. Why don't you host the pep rally?" So, I did. I get up there, I realize I've only got one minute of material. One minute! I bombed in front of the whole school. They threw peaches at me.
Barry: Why'd they have peaches?
Murray: I don't know! They weren't even in season! All I know is, I don't want you to go through what I went through. Please don't do your act. I'm begging you!
Barry: So you think I'm gonna suck?
Murray: No, son. I know you're going to suck.