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42Quotes from ‘Kara-Te’

The Goldbergs: Kara-Te

111. Kara-Te

Aired December 10, 2013

When Barry signs up for the school's holiday talent show in the hopes of impressing a girl, he's disappointed when his karate act isn't accepted. Nobody is more disappointed than Beverly, who is blinded by her "mom goggles", and intervenes to get Barry added to the show. Soon, Murray wades in to save Barry from humiliation. Meanwhile, Pops tries to convince Erica to perform in the talent show, but she thinks it will harm her reputation.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: I can't take this anymore. You want your kids in, they're in.
Pops: Oh, great! Which one?
Mr. Glascott: I don't know! Both of them? None of them? I really don't care! I mean, it's a stupid freakin' high school talent show! I had one moment of weakness where I tried to do something kind for your son. I apologize! All I care about now is that I owe 20 grand in student loans, I live in a studio apartment above a steaming hot dry cleaner, and I have a second job where I work as a pizza man, and occasionally I get to deliver pizzas to my students. Oh, also I have a parrot that I can't get rid of. They live for 80 years. Did you know that? Nobody tells you about that. You have to put them in your will! It's a nightmare! So, yeah, do whatever you wanna do, 'cause I really don't care!

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Quote from Barry

Barry: I can't go out there!
Adam: What?!
Barry: I can't do it! Dad was right. I'm gonna humiliate myself. They're gonna throw peaches at me!
Adam: Peaches? Who has peaches? What are you talking about?

Quote from Barry

Barry: Well, I got news for you. The audience won't throw peaches. They'll throw flowers. And cheers! And boobs! Naked boobs! Everywhere! Just you watch. Watch! Boobs! Naked!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I will not. They're gonna have plenty of people trying to tear them down in life, so while they're under my roof, the least I can do is try to build them up.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Hmm, you know, I was thinking It might be better if you didn't call out your moves first.
Barry: That's a great idea. Sneak attack!
Adam: Argh!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Oh, look at you, my little kung fu master!
Barry: It's not kung fu. I do kara-te.
Beverly: Bilingual and dangerous? Oh, you are just off the charts amazing, honey.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Locker strike! [slams locker shut with a strike of his hand] Hyah! Ow!
Lexy: Oh, are you okay?
Barry: I'm fine. My hands are like rocks. But they're soft, too. And gentle. Like baby ducks.
Lexy: Weird.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Good evening. Glad you could all make it tonight.
Murray: What, what is this?
Barry: Big announcement. I've decided to do a kara-te routine at the school talent show. Auditions are tomorrow. Now, I don't wanna make too big a deal out of this, but I do believe it will be the greatest moment in the history of everything.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Oh, my goodness! What a wonderful idea! Murray, isn't this a wonderful idea?
Murray: If I say yes, can I be out of the conversation?

Quote from Beverly

Pops: What about you, Erica? You should absolutely do this talent thing.
Beverly: I've heard you singing Pat Benetton in the shower.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Slow down. What's wrong?
Barry: I didn't get into the talent show.
Beverly: I don't understand.
Barry: They rejected me.
Beverly: That literally makes no sense.
Barry: Everyone who auditioned got in but me.
Beverly: I hear what you're saying, but I cannot wrap my mind around that.
Barry: Mr. Glascott said my routine was too inappropriate.
Beverly: How is being a perfect kara-te angel inappropriate?

Quote from Barry

Adam: Are you crying?
Barry: [voice breaks] No. No! They're warrior's tears, and it doesn't matter. The school said no. I'll never cobra strike again!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: No one tells my baby he can't cobra strike.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Mr. Glascott! I need to speak to you immediately.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, I'm sorry. I have an important morning meeting with the kids from the math club.
Beverly: The nerds can wait. My son Barry Goldberg cannot.
Mr. Glascott: Are you Beverly Goldberg?
Beverly: Oh, yes, I am.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Beverly: Tell me, what kind of educator stomps on the dreams of his students?
Mr. Glascott: Look, Barry's a good kid, which is kinda why I discouraged him from taking part in the show. See, some of the more high-profile students here can be very critical, if you follow me.
Beverly: I really don't.
Mr. Glascott: The popular kids here are real douche-sacks. Last year, one kid did a lovely ventriloquist act. The kids well, they did unspeakable things to that doll after the show. Quite frankly, it was very jarring. And Barry's karate is really ripe for that type of ridicule.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Beverly: Uh, this is high school, not "Star Search". I mean, who died and made you Ed McMahon?
Mr. Glascott: Mr. Johansson. Our gym teacher. He died.
Beverly: Okay, it doesn't matter.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Barry is doing that show. I will go to the top on this. I'll petition the principal, the school board, the superintendent, the mayor's office, the U.S. Secretary of Education, if I have to. So what's it gonna be, Andre?
Mr. Glascott: You know my name.
Beverly: I know everything.

Quote from Murray

Barry: I got into the talent show!
Beverly: (Gasps) That's good news, and very surprising to me.
Barry: Mr. Glascott said the tri-state talent show committee met and ruled that kara-te is an art form.
Murray: Wow, the tri-state talent show committee met. You know, that's almost unbelievable!
Beverly: Well, it happened, so let's just move on.
Adam: Oh, man, we're back in business! Let's get to work!
Barry: I'll go get my nunchucks and firecrackers.
Murray: No firecrackers!

Quote from Beverly

Murray: So you threatened a teacher?
Beverly: Please. I just gently suggested that he do what I say, or there'd be dire consequences.
Murray: Why is it you go trotting down to the school and yell at somebody every time one of our kids doesn't get their way?
Beverly: I'm involved. That's a good thing.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I had no choice, Murray. Have you even seen Barry do kara-te? It's like a beautiful ballet, but with punching and grunting and rolling around.

Quote from Murray

Murray: He quit after eight lessons because he didn't want to bike the six blocks to get there. It hardly makes him Chuck Norris.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: That was the greatest thing my eyeballs have ever, ever seen!

Quote from Pops

Pops: Oh, there's a chance, 'cause I'm gonna get you to do it.
Erica: Uh, not gonna happen!
Pops: We'll see!
Erica: Waste of time!
Pops: Can't hear you!

Quote from Barry

Murray: Good morning, Bar. Nice karate pajamas.
Barry: It's called a gi. You need to educate yourself, man. See more movies.

Quote from Barry

Murray: Listen, I know your mom loves this whole Hong Kong-fooey act, but haven't you considered doing something else?
Barry: Why would I ever do that?
Murray: Because you're Barry Goldberg, a man of many different talents.
Barry: It's true. I am great at a lot of stuff. Skateboarding, rapping, break-dancing. A little pop-and-lock action.

Quote from Barry

Barry: I'm out again!
Beverly: What?!
Barry: Mr. Glascott said the national talent show committee overruled the tri-state talent show committee.
Murray: Well, this is very surprising and unacceptable, but they have made their ruling, and I believe we should honor it.
Barry: The talent show committee system in this country's broken!

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: National committee, huh?
Murray: Well, it's more powerful than the tri-state committee. What can I say?
Beverly: This is unbelievable. You trotted down to that school after being so judgy with me about it?
Murray: Hey, I'm just being an involved parent.
You told me that was a good thing.
Beverly: Not when you do it. You got your own son kicked out of a talent show. Who does that?

Quote from Murray

Murray: Look, I'm doing the kid a favor by not wearing mom goggles all the time.
Beverly: Mom what?
Murray: Goggles! We all know you wear 'em! It makes you think our kids are so brilliant and perfect and poop rainbows. For once, just take those mom goggles off and admit that our wonderful children are terrible at so many different things.

Quote from Adam

Murray: Accept our children's mediocrity! It's freeing!
Adam: Seriously? I'm right here!
Murray: Oh, not not you. You're fantastic.
Adam: Yeah, you're a real gem yourself.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Barry, you can't do this act. I speak from experience.
Barry: What are you talking about?
Murray: When I was your age, I was the funniest guy on the football team.
Barry: Funny? Since when are you funny?
Murray: I'm plenty funny, okay? I was hilarious. I used to tell dirty jokes, I'd snap guys with a towel. I gave everybody a nickname, like, uh, Pretty Boy and Shorty.
Barry: Those are terrible nicknames.
Murray: Shorty wasn't short. As a matter of fact, he was a giant.
Barry: Oh, my God.
Murray: Had a gland problem. Actually sad stuff.
Barry: What's the point to this?
Murray: The point is, the coach said, "Murray, you're a card. Why don't you host the pep rally?" So, I did. I get up there, I realize I've only got one minute of material. One minute! I bombed in front of the whole school. They threw peaches at me.
Barry: Why'd they have peaches?
Murray: I don't know! They weren't even in season! All I know is, I don't want you to go through what I went through. Please don't do your act. I'm begging you!
Barry: So you think I'm gonna suck?
Murray: No, son. I know you're going to suck.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Hello. I didn't realize you were here. Me, I'm just sitting here, relaxing, strumming the old banjo.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Don't take this the wrong way, but toting a banjo up on stage isn't exactly what you'd call cool.
Pops: Since when is the banjo not cool?
Erica: Since the invention of the banjo.

Quote from Erica

Pops: Erica, when you were younger, you used to do everything Volleyball, gymnastics, school chorus. What happened to you?
Erica: Well, I go to high school, where people judge you.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: All right, we've gathered you here because we've got some great news. There's been some movement on the talent show.
Adam: Again? This has been an emotional roller coaster.

Quote from Barry

Barry: 'Cause mom meddled, I'm not doing that show any more!
And 'cause dad doesn't believe in me, I'm gonna prove you wrong, and I'm gonna do the show.
Murray: Wait, which one is it?
Barry: I don't know! I'm just so angry at both of you.

Quote from Beverly

Barry: I'm sorry, was that Barry Goldberg, or Barry Manilow? 'Cause I can't tell the difference!

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Barry: I can't go out there.
Mr. Glascott: What are you talking about? You're our closer. We gotta have a closer. Or I could just end it.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Eric: My grandfather said you might have a spot open for me.
Mr. Glascott: Well, seeing as I don't care at all, yes. [on stage] One of the Goldbergs.


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