Adult Adam: [v.o.] So, easily stepping into the shoes of bad cop, my dad went to school and laid down the law. That day, my father explained all the reasons why college was the only thing that mattered to him in life.
Murray: And in conclusion... moron!
Mr. Perott: Okay, I get it. You're angry.
Murray: I didn't work my whole life so my son wouldn't go to college.
Mr. Perott: Mr. Goldberg, what did you work your whole life for, huh? When was the last time you saw a sunset or drank fresh rainwater from the sky, or went to Portugal, huh?
Murray: Portugal? Who the hell's got time for Portugal?
Mr. Perott: Look, Mr. Goldberg, I did not tell your son not to go to college. I just told him he had options, and maybe it would do him good to see the world.
Murray: He can do that later.
Mr. Perott: When? Have you done that? Or have you been, uh, as you put it, "Working your whole life"?

Barry: Hey! Ready to hit the club? Drinking age is 10, but they don't card.
Geoff: Yeah, as fun and alarming as that sounds, I‐I gotta stay with Erica.
Barry: Damn it, Schwartz! I knew you'd bail on our boys' trip. All you wanna do is party with my sister.
Geoff: Yeah, I wouldn't exactly call it a party.
Erica: Oh, everything inside me's coming out of my face!
Geoff: Okay, just try to make it to the bathroom, sweetie!
Barry: Oh, my God. What am I looking at?
Geoff: Yeah, it's not great.
Erica: I need towels, I need Gatorade, and I need a doctor who doesn't also work the omelet station!
Geoff: On it, my dove!
Erica: [vomits]
Geoff: I'm sorry, Bar. When she's at her weakest, I have to be my strongest.
Erica: Shut the door!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After his kiss with Ren, Barry needed guidance from the closest thing he knew to a married couple.
Geoff: Oh, babe, Barry's here to check on you.
Erica: Oh, I feel a lot better, actually.
Barry: I don't care. Healthy, sick, basically dead. I need advice.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so, my brother told them all about his fake honeymoon with Ren, ending with the magical smooch.
Erica: [gags]
Geoff: Oh, hon, I thought you weren't nauseous anymore.
Erica: [gags] I wasn't, but the thought of Barry kissing another one of my friends?

Barry: What can I say? Ladies love my semi‐symmetrical face and curves for days.
Geoff: Is it possible Ren kissed you to keep up the ruse of your fake marriage?
Erica: Yes. That is the only logical conclusion.
Barry: It was real. She winked at me afterwards. It was like she was saying, "Yeah, boy. I'm all about those lips."
Erica: [gags]
Geoff: Or maybe that wink meant, "We fooled them."
Barry: Impossible. For one incredible moment, time magically stopped and our mouths danced as one.
Erica: [vomits]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And that meant tracking down Mr. Glascott, my old guidance counselor, who was more than a little afraid of Beverly Goldberg.
Mr. Glascott: [whistling]
Beverly: [eerily] Glascott. Glascott. Glascott. Come out and play‐ay.
Mr. Glascott: Ah! Come on!
Beverly: Glascott. [engine starts]
Mr. Glascott: Ah! Please be gentle! I'm a father to a parent!

Beverly: I need you to be Adam's guidance counselor again.
Mr. Glascott: No, I did everything to get away from you. I switched my roster from A through M to N through Z, despite the fact that I was on the verge of some real breakthroughs with a couple of the D's.
Beverly: Of course, it would be a shame if the cruel, judgmental teens of William Penn found out about this.
Mr. Glascott: [gasps] Oh, no. You discovered my Prince tribute cabaret show.
Beverly: So moving. Even doves would cry.
Mr. Glascott: But that's not for the general public. It's for friends and family and industry if they're interested.

Andy: Evening, my good man. Can you tell us where the party's at?
Naked Rob: We're ready to spring break!
Lon MacDowell: Oh. [chuckles] Well, it's 9:00 a. m., so you can enjoy our Tuesday brunch buffet.
Andy: Tuesday? Did we just sleep for 36 hours straight?
Naked Rob: Oh, no! Island time has robbed us of real‐world time.
Andy: Damn you, island time!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Barry's spring break had gone off the rails, my mom had scared Mr. Glascott into steering me back on track.
Mr. Glascott: So, you see, Adam, most who wander are lost, unless they wander into a PSAT prep course and then onto the campus of NYU for a life of parent‐pleasing success.
Adam: I guess it does seem safer than backpacking across Europe.

Adam: Hey, Mr. P. How's it going?
Mr. Perott: Well, I guess it's going to Mr. Glascott now. I thought we had a rapport, then you requested a new counselor.
Adam: Wait, what?
Mr. Glascott: Keep walking, Perott. The boy is mine. Don't try to poach my ward.
Mr. Perott: I didn't poach your ward. You poached my ward, Glascott.
Adam: You guys call us "wards"?