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‘The Return of the Formica King’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Goldbergs: The Return of the Formica King

720. The Return of the Formica King

Aired April 15, 2020

Murray receives an offer from his rival Formica Mike (guest star Richard Kind). Meanwhile, Adam hopes to reconnect with Erica by dusting off a musical they wrote together.

Quote from Adam

Dave Kim: So, what are we doing, again?
Adam: Erica ditched me, and I gotta finish a rousing musical that ties six story lines together and makes the audience weep by tomorrow. Here's what I got so far. [catchy melody plays]
Dave Kim: Are those the opening bars to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon?
Adam: Gah! I knew it sounded familiar!

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Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Yoo-hoo. Geoffy's home. Oh, my, a guest? Erica, you didn't say anything about company. I'm so sorry. This is not how it normally looks.
Erica: Geoff, stop. You do not have to clean up for him. He was just leaving.
Geoff: So soon? A-At least stay for a beverage. We have Tab and sink water.
Adam: You've tempted me. I'm gonna park myself right here and make a night of it.
Erica: No! I have things to do.
Adam: Like finish a musical with your baby brother?
Geoff: Wow. You guys are a regular Rodgers and Hammerstein, except you're siblings and children and... Hey, look, a whole song about slides!
Adam: It's called "The Play Ground," and it's set in a playground. It makes you think.
Geoff: It almost does. A duet about monkey bars? I can't wait.
Erica: Well, you're gonna have to, because it's not happening.
Adam: Unless you take my hand and come with me to complete our theatrical destiny. Ohh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Geoff: Stop by anytime. You're always welcome in our home.
Erica: No, he's not. And stop offering my Tabs to people.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Balls! Why would Erica screw me like this? A handful of drama kids are counting on me.
Barry: I'll do it.
Adam: No one's asking you. And what could you possibly bring to the table?
Barry: Oh, I bring everything to the table... chairs, place mats, napkin rings, decorative centerpieces, candles, my elbows.
Adam: Stop naming things that go on a table! I need music and lyrics.
Barry: Done and done. I'll write you the greatest rap known to man, and you can waste it on your lazy high school play.
Adam: Pass! I don't need you showing up out of nowhere, sucking on a treat, and insinuating yourself into my life!
Barry: You'll be back. They all come back. Except for all the ones who never come back.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Just letting you know I found someone to help me finish the musical. Oh, esteemed creative partner!
Erica: Barry? And is that the chalkboard from our house?
Barry: We tied it to the bumper and drove it here. It has little wheels.
Geoff: Dried fruit or nuts?
Barry: I'm allergic to both, but let's do it.

Quote from Barry

Erica: What the hell is going on?
Adam: Welcome to the new and very improved "The Play Ground," featuring Big Tasty!
Barry: Mm!
Erica: Dummies, all the chalk came off.
Barry: Oh, stupid outside!

Quote from Barry

Barry: This idiot is talking about injecting our musical with explosive, high-octane energy.
Adam: And it gets even more bonkers! Tell her who the main character is.
Barry: A giant, ass-kicking Tootsie Roll named Clyde.
Erica: Why the hell would a fighting chocolate treat be on a playground?
Barry: He fell out of a kid's pocket. Now he's gotta find his way back, with the help of Martin Riggs of Riggs and Murtaugh.
Geoff: You put the "Lethal Weapon" guys in your musical?
Adam: Just Riggs. He's an emotional time bomb, and he's got three jaunty numbers.
Erica: This is clinically insane.
Adam: That's the Riggs character. But don't worry. He accidentally blows himself up in the second act.
Erica: There's violence on the playground?!
Barry: And tons of sex. You know that big metal thing you spin? Some randy teens do unspeakable things on it. And the nudity is not tasteful.
Geoff: But isn't this show for kids?
Barry: I don't know who it's for. I just know it kicks ass.
Adam: Now tell 'em about the big finale.
Barry: Clyde the talking Tootsie defends the playground by destroying a robotic shark in a rap battle.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After my sister rejected me and I rejected her song, the musical was stuck with the biggest reject of all... Barry.
Barry: This was a good decision.
Adam: I guess, man. Just do whatever.
Ms. Cinoman: Okay, dress is up. I need my Tootsie Roll and my Shark-I-Tron!
Dave Kim: It's always been a dream to work together. What am I, again?
Barry: The fool I'm about to lyrically smoke. Drop a beat!
Ms. Cinoman: You know, I had my doubts, but I think that this might work.
Barry: [raps] I'm a Tootsie Roll, my name is Clyde On the playground, I go down the slide I ride the swings and the seesaw With my main man Riggs, but not Murtaugh Something's comin' in the park It's a giant monster robot shark The kids all jump, the sharks attack Riggs jumps on my Tootsie back That's how I roll, Clyde the Tootsie Now all the fly ladies wanna play footsie Rest in peace, Martin Riggs!

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Growing up, my dad made all sorts of sounds. There was the grunt, the grumble, the mumble, the "Ah!", and, of course, the "Bup, bup, bup!" But it was his groan that really told the story. It was the sound he made before, during, and after work. It was clear to anyone within earshot he didn't enjoy his job. Allow me to translate.
Beverly: Toast?
Murray: [groans]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] This groan meant, "Every day's the same."
Beverly: Have a good day, honey.
Murray: [groans]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And this one meant, "Not gonna happen."
Pops: He does not have the wind at his back.
Adam: I hope I never have to work for real.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But my dad did, at his furniture store, the Ottoman Empire, every day for the last 20 years.

Quote from Murray

Vic: Good morning, sunshine. I bought you a Boston cream, extra cream.
Murray: [groans]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Meaning, "I've already had four." And after a long day of sitting, selling furniture, and hanging with Vic, it was closing time.
Vic: Have a blessed evening, Mur.
Murray: [groans]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That one was just a groan. Yep, for my dad, work wasn't the best. At least he joyfully returned home to his family.
Murray: Home. Nobody bother me.
Beverly: We're all on the same page, sweetie, so go relax. The TV's all yours.
Murray: Damn right.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And the final groan could only mean one thing... "At least I have you, TV."

Quote from Adam

Ms. Cinoman: This year's spring musical will be... nothing.
Adam: So, then, an actual play? Finally, a gritty role I can sink my teeth into. Like maybe a working-class galoot who came back from the war with one less finger and a head full of horrors. His name is Jimbo, but people call him Tree.

Quote from Dave Kim

Ms. Cinoman: Again, no one's calling this guy anything, because it's not a play. We're doing nothing.
Matt Schernecke: But the cast wrap party is historically where Schernecke shines romantically.
Ms. Cinoman: Get your pity smooches elsewhere, Matt Schernecke. We're doing bupkis because the licensing fees went up.
Adam: Balls! The musical is the one time where theater geeks get light-to-moderate fame in this school.
Emmy: Football players would nod at me. I was a shape they recognized.
Dave Kim: A cheerleader said, "Oh, it's you," right to my face. Like we shared the same world!

Quote from Adam

Adam: What are we gonna do?
Ms. Cinoman: Nothing, unless anybody has any fully fledged material lying in a drawer at home.
Johnny: I got some stuff in a drawer at home that makes me fully fledged.
Ms. Cinoman: Out!
Johnny: Way ahead of ya.
Adam: Actually, I have a musical.
Ms. Cinoman: Do tell.
Adam: It's called "The Play Ground," and it's a meditation on what it means to play.
Dave Kim: Adam made me read it. It's about a flower who wants to get planted on the other side of a playground. It's okay.
Adam: Okay?! It might be the best thing a 12-year-old's ever written. It just needs a finale.
Ms. Cinoman: Sounds amateurish and unfinished, but it's all we got.
Adam: I'm humbled to share my creative vision with you.
Ms. Cinoman: Relax, Tennessee Williams. Just shove it in your backpack tonight.

Quote from Erica

Erica: God, no!
Adam: But it's a chance to see our work up there in lights!
Erica: You have a marquee?
Adam: There's a bulletin board with pins. It's the same.
Erica: I had fun writing that with you like five years ago, but I'm busy with my studies and my boyfriend and not wanting to do it at all.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my sister was kicking me out, my dad was kicking back at the office, until this guy moseyed in... Formica Mike, the Formica King, my dad's local furniture-shop rival. He was gaudy, tacky, and my dad couldn't stand him.
Mike: Hello, Murray Goldberg.
Murray: What do you want?
Mike: It's not what I want. It's what I'm offering... an invitation to break bread.
Vic: I'll break a stale loaf over your head.
Murray: Vic, come on.
Vic: I'm sorry, but I will not fall victim to this man's shenanigans. Have you seen his commercials? I can't trust a man who dresses like a mattress.
Mike: Oh, you saw my spots? Listen, does it look weird when that couple's lying on top of me?
Vic: No. Narratively, it worked fine. I'm responding to the costume.

Quote from Murray

Murray: What are we talking about here?
Mike: We're talking about you, me, and our wives having dinner together. What do you say?
Murray: I say I've never wanted to do anything less. Then I don't have any choice but to purchase these two chairs.
Vic: Our sitting chairs?!
Murray: Fine. If it makes this end, I'll have dinner with you, but I'm eating quick.
Mike: Is there any other way? We're going to Le Bec-Fin. It's French.
Vic: Holy moly! It's also considered the best restaurant in America. Dick Cavett ate there.
Mike: Well, so are we, this Saturday night. Tell your wife. She'll have heard of it.
Murray: I doubt it.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Le Bec [bleep] Fin?! Ohh!
Murray: What are you so excited about? I thought you hated Formica Mike and his Formica wife.
Beverly: I do. They're snooty garbage that rub their obscene wealth in our faces. But Le Bec-Fin?! Oh! They pour you that little bit of wine for you to taste, and you taste it and you go, "Mmm," but you don't know.
Murray: Aren't you at least curious as to why these people want to take us out to dinner?
Beverly: Nope. Le Bec-Fin! Oh! I'm gonna buy a new dress, hat, and over-the-elbow opera gloves!
Murray: Opera gloves? What's wrong with these sink gloves?
Beverly: Damn it, Murray! Le Bec-Fin! I wish my mom were alive so I could show her I'd made it.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: You did the right thing. Your brother is no friend to music.
Adam: Plus, there's nothing Erica would hate more than if I let him ruin our musical. Hold on!
Dave Kim: Don't say "Hold on." Nothing good ever happens when people in your family say "Hold on"!
Adam: If I let Barry ruin our musical, Erica will have to step in and fix it.
Dave Kim: That's a huge leap, and it will most certainly backfire.
Adam: Not a chance, Dave Kim. You can go. And please take your piano guts with you.
Dave Kim: Do you know how long it took to get this thing down the stairs? You're not a good friend! [arpeggios play]

Quote from Barry

Adam: You're in!
Barry: Yes! What are my parameters?
Adam: None. Go wild.
Barry: Buck wild?
Adam: What's the difference? You know what? Surprise me.
Barry: Good decision. You just became a millionaire.
Adam: I don't see how, but sure.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I enlisted Barry's help, my mom and dad reported for dinner with the King and Queen.
Beverly: Le Bec-Fin! I can't believe we're here! And in the back room?
Mike: Nothing but VIP, baby. My Franny demands it.
Fran: That's enough out of you, Mikey. Although I do love the privacy. Who wants to sit with other people?
Murray: If you want to be more alone, I can make that happen.
Beverly: Oh, Murray, stop it. Le Bec-Fin!
Murray: That was gibberish the first 50 times you said it. Is this place too good for a basket of bread?
Fran: No, but they do have this divine Melba toast.
Murray: Toast? I put on pants to eat the one thing I could make at home?
Mike: You know what? I'm with the big guy here. Give me a hot cross bun, plate of salty butter. That's living.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You have a house down the shore?
Mike: Four houses in from the boardwalk.
Beverly: Did you hear that, Murray? Four houses in!
Mike: And I got a lead on a house two in from the boardwalk.
Fran: Meaning ours could be available soon. Wink, wink.
Beverly: She's winking at me. We own a shore house now.
Murray: How did you get that from her having crap in her eye?
Beverly: Oh, we're gonna spend every summer with our ungrateful children and then their children. We are gonna anchor our family to the beautiful brown and gray shores of New Jersey.
Mike: That's how it works with our crappy kids.
Fran: Pure crap, but we love 'em.

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