Murray: Hey, niblets. How would you feel about interning in the exciting world of new and recycled furniture sales?
Geoff: Um, maybe I guess.
Murray: You're hired. And by hired, I don't mean I'm actually paying you.

Mrs. Kim: Exactly. You're the last person in the world he wants on a field trip.
Beverly: But chaperoning is the one thing I'm still allowed to be a part of!
Mrs. Kim: Just feel lucky you made it to 10th grade, Bev.
Vinny: Jackie cut me off in 8th grade. Independence Hall.
Virginia Kremp: 6th grade, Freedom Trail.
Mrs. Kim: 5th grade. Ben Franklin Museum. Dave Kim told me to... go fly a kite.
Mrs. Mirsky: For me it was 3rd grade. My Emmy is garbage.

Beverly: But those field trips are my only window into Adam's day-to-day life. Without them, how am I supposed to know how he's doing in school?
Mrs. Kim: You could just ask him when he comes home?
Beverly: Please. Whenever I ask about his day, all I get is "Muh."
Vinny: Aw, you get actual sounds? I just get soul-destroying silence.
Beverly: Well, you may all be fine with a frosty cold "muh" at the end of your day, but not Beverly Goldberg. Coach, put me down for chaperone.
Coach Mellor: But your son made it clear you're the worst and you can't go.

Beverly: Lucky for me, I have a way to get Adam to say yes to whatever I want.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was true. She really did. Before parents could guilt their kids through texts or e-mails, my mom used the Guilt Letter. These passive-aggressive tirades of manipulation were a true art form. And if her words didn't get to you, the mom tears on the letter sure would.
Adam: Balls!

Lou Schwartz: Okay, you can take your son back now! He's been shadowing me all day.
Barry: In fact, I learned so much, Dr. Lou said I don't have to go back tomorrow!
Lou Schwartz: Or ever again. We'll play it by ear.
Geoff: Oh, crap, it's my dad. Hello, Father.
Lou Schwartz: Geoffrey? Where were you all day? There was an outbreak of pink eye.
Barry: So gunky, bro.
Geoff: Ew, bummed I missed it. Ew.

Adam: Hi, Mama. I just wanted to say sorry and all.
Beverly: For?
Adam: For being a bad son and not appreciating the time you spent baking me in your belly.
Beverly: And how will you make it up to me?
Adam: Maybe you can chaperone the field trip?
Beverly: I'll have to move some things around, but I'll be there. Now go. Be a boy!

Virginia Kremp: Beverly, these crazy guilt letters are a game-changer.
Vinny: Thank you for this amazing, hateful gift.
Mrs. Kim: You truly are a genius of our time.
Beverly: It's so nice to finally be recognized. [crying] Quick, give me your paper. Let's not waste these.

Lou Schwartz: Your father ruined my son. This morning, Geoffrey said he wanted to go to a liberal arts college like Vassar where he can find himself.
Barry: But you've mapped out the next 10 years of his life, which ends in him taking over your thriving practice.
Lou Schwartz: All I ever wanted was an apprentice who cares, but now there's no one.
Barry: Geoff is as blind as a patient who needs a penetrating keratoplasty.
Lou Schwartz: I know. You rearranged the entire filing system, and my apprentice wasn't even here to see that.
Barry: This is worse than that one patient who had the viral eye infection of the retina.
Lou Schwartz: Which I missed and you pointed out. Thanks for that, by the way.
Barry: Enough is enough! You need an apprentice. This is shameful.
Lou Schwartz: I want the old Geoff back!
Barry: And you'll get him back! As leader of the JTP, he has to do exactly what I say.

Barry: You will do exactly what I say, Schwartz.
Geoff: No.
Barry: No?!
Andy: Since when does he say no?
Geoff: Since I'm done being the doormat of the JTP.
Barry: But that's your role. Each friendship group has a doormat, a leader, a Naked One, a tiny pocket man, and a lame Matt Bradley!

Adam: I don't get it. You all said you cut your parents off from chaperoning ages ago.
Chad Kremp: I did, but last night my mom wrote me this heartbreaking eight-page letter, and I caved.
Jackie: Same here. My dad even circled his tears on the paper.
Erica: My mom did the same thing. Listen to this. "And when I literally die from the disappointment, please do not"
Dave Kim: "Visit my grave site."
Adam: Lemme see those letters. Look. They're all the same. See? My mom also has a hole in her heart the shape of me.
Dave Kim: My mom has that same kid-shaped hole!
Adam: This can only be the work of one woman, Beverly Goldberg.