Pops: I know what you're doing, kiddo.
Adam: I'm not doing anything.
Pops: You're conning your mother into writing a paper for you.
Adam: Oh. Yeah, I'm doing that. But it's fine. She wants to spend time with her son, and I want not to write a paper. It's win-win.
Pops: The honorable Sandra Day O'Connor would be appalled that you would even consider this.
Adam: You seem to know a lot about her. Why don't you stick around and help your daughter write her paper?
Pops: Eh, you're all ferkokte. I deserve a pickle.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I was outsourcing my paper, Geoff's new business was already a source of great stress.
Geoff: Food in a Geoffy. Please hold. [telephone rings] Food in a Geoffy. Please hold. [telephone rings] Food in a Geoffy. How may I help you? What do you mean you only got three loose fries with your order?
Naked Rob: That's on me. I'm a snacker when I drive.
Andy: Me too. But who's gonna actually check the exact length of a footlong?
Geoff: Guys, stop eating the food!
Matt: Does that apply to beverages? 'Cause there used to be two shakes, and now there are none.
Geoff: Damn it, JTP. Just go! Deliver!

Erica: What business?
Geoff: Great news, Erica. I found a better way to relax than hanging around your dorm room. I started a relentless, high-octane food-delivery company. [telephone rings] Food in a Geoffy! Please hold!
Erica: Wait, what is it?
Geoff: Well, it's extremely simple, really.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Except it wasn't.
Geoff: Say you want a burger. [pager beeps] You just page my beeper, I get the page and then call you back wherever I am. You place your order with me, and then I call the restaurant and place that order with them. Then, I or one of my many unreliable drivers get your order, and we drive it to you for a small delivery fee. [pager beeping] Then it starts all over again. And again and again. I haven't slept in two days.
Erica: $2 for all that work?
Geoff: Pretty cool, huh?

Erica: Geoff, are you sure this is worth...
Geoff: [telephone rings] Damn it. [answers phone] Food in a Geoffy.
Murray: Hello?
Geoff: Mr. Goldberg?
Murray: Yeah, I'll have a Shasta, light ice, from the kitchen, a chili dog from the Wawa, and take Lucky for a tinkle.
Geoff: We don't provide dog care.
Barry: The customer is always right.
Geoff: On it. [sighs] I'm so happy your gentle annoyance with me pushed me into this.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Food in a Geoffy took over Geoffy's life, my mom-written paper would surely save mine.
Mr. Woodburn: Meh!
Adam: A C? What the hell, man?
Mr. Woodburn: Yeah, just like your haircut, super mediocre.
Adam: But this makes no sense.
Mr. Woodburn: Believe me, that C on your paper is the only thing that was accurate. You referred to Justice O'Connor as Sandy, Sally, Shawna, Shonda, and one time, Tiffany!
Adam: Wow. Yeah. Seems like the most cursory once-over would've caught that.

Beverly: Aloha, my little academia nut.
Adam: Hi, Mom. Quick question... [slams paper down] Are you a damn fool?
Beverly: A C?
Adam: Yeah, for "crap." If I wanted a C, I would have written it myself.
Beverly: This is not okay!
Adam: Neither is your spelling or grammar or rambling sentences. And who the hell is Tiffany Night O'Brien?
Beverly: Oh, they knew who I meant.
Adam: I don't know who you meant, and I was sitting right there.

Pops: I guess we're both pretty deep into a pickle. [bites pickle]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Erica was worried that Food in a Geoffy was leading Geoff to a nervous breakdown, so she was going to help him relax with a movie.
Erica: See? Isn't this nice? Just you and me and the stress-free corpse comedy of Weekend at Bernie's.
Geoff: Babe, I appreciate it, but I'm fine. Honest. [looks at popcorn] Oh, no! Who is this for? I never got the order, and now it's gonna be late!
Erica: Geoff, the popcorn is for you.
Geoff: Oh, right. I forgot sometimes I eat food, too.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Geoff abandoned Erica to put out a fire, my mom was at school starting one.
Beverly: Thank you for meeting with us. I'll make this quick. Are you a stupid [bleep] idiot?
Adam: Mom!
Mr. Woodburn: Whoa! Coming in hot.
Adam: I think what my mom is trying to say is maybe my paper deserves a slightly higher grade.
Beverly: No "maybe" about it!
Mr. Woodburn: Mrs. Goldberg, this paper is filled with typos and run-on sentences.
Beverly: So? It's also light and fun, like a summer beach read.
Mr. Woodburn: Oh, I laughed a lot. Mostly at how your son and his childlike mind are going to exist in society.

Principal Ball: Adam's suspended for two weeks.
Adam: Balls!
Principal Ball: This is a terrifyingly bad paper, especially from an adult.
Beverly: Unacceptable, Earl. Don't take it out on Adam just 'cause you need to stand by your motley crew of burnouts and sad sacks!
Mr. Woodburn: Oh, no. You called me what I am.
Adam: Principal Ball, please! Two weeks at home? Just the two of us? The time does not fit the crime!