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‘Food in a Geoffy’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: Food in a Geoffy

703. Food in a Geoffy

Aired October 9, 2019

Beverly tries to spend more time with Adam by becoming his "study buddy", a move he quickly capitalizes on. Meanwhile, Geoff basically invents Postmates for the '80s when he launches a food delivery service.

Quote from Adam

Mr. Woodburn: Adam Goldberg... Sandra Day O'Connor.
Adam: Oh, no, thank you.
Mr. Woodburn: "No, thank you"? This should be enraging. Say your dumb words.
Adam: As you know, Mr. Coleman agreed that I'm a visual learner and always let me make a video.
Mr. Woodburn: As you know, Mr. Coleman was fired for tying a quarter to a string and stealing Rolos from the vending machines.
Adam: Paper it is. I believe you said it would be on George Lucas?
Mr. Glascott: 1,000 words on Sandra Day O'Connor.
Adam: How about Sarah Connor, the character from Terminator? Which is directed by James Cameron, which is who my paper will be on.
Mr. Woodburn: Sandra... Day... O'Connor! You know what? Everybody just sit quietly while I snap chalk!

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Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Ring-a-ding-ding. It's time for the Beverly Goldberg School of Learnin'.
Adam: From the same people who brought me a C?
Beverly: Woodburn had it out for us, but I think we both know if I hadn't been someone who could've been a lawyer, I could've been someone who might've been a teacher.
Adam: Wow.
Beverly: Wow, indeed.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Check out our curriculum.
Adam: A book of limericks, The Baseball Encyclopedia, The Guinness Book of World Records... Superfudge?
Beverly: These are all our books. We're gonna learn everything. Here's our syllabus for today. Math, English, home ec... That's us making a pie... Lunch... That's us eating a pie.
Adam: There's an hour-long snuggle break?
Beverly: I know it doesn't seem like enough time, but it could also be one of your electives.

Quote from Adam

Adam: I gotta get my mom off my back.
Dana: Well, you could help her find a hobby to distract her. Maybe a bowling league?
Adam: My mom's currently in a legal matter with Jenkintown Lanes, and that's all I'm allowed to say.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: She could try my mom's hobby, drinking boxed wine while she completely ignores me.
Adam: Wow. You're so lucky.
Dave Kim: Totally.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: So, I have an hour until my next class, which I can use to finish my chem lab and my reading for women's lit. How's your day looking?
Geoff: Eh, I gotta get this ball in this cup. [does so] Oh. Well, my schedule just opened up. Can I make you another tea?
Erica: I think I'm good.
Geoff: Cool, cool. Well, I'll just sit quietly, and I'm here if you need me. [clears throat] [grunts loudly] [groans raspily] You know, I'm just gonna make you a backup tea.
Erica: No. Geoff, I think it's great that you're taking a year off to find yourself, but I've got work to do.
Geoff: I knew it! I'm bothering you!
Erica: No! But for the love of God, yes!
Geoff: I really thought all this free time would finally help me relax after a very intense 18 years, but I've never been more stressed. I'm growing so much hair!
Erica: Stress makes you lose hair.
Geoff: Oh, no! Nothing is right!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Or you could work for my Uncle Ronnie. Yeah, he puts a box in my trunk, I drive it across the Canadian border, and then wham, bam, all the Hardee's I can eat.
Naked Rob: Yeah, bro. I think you might be a drug mule.
Geoff: What if I don't want to be Queen Latifah or a criminal?
Barry: Done! You will start your own insanely lucrative business.
Matt: That's better!
Naked Rob: I use businesses all the time.
Andy: I think I'm in real trouble.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Last week, I accidentally went to economics class, and now I know everything about starting your own business using the laws of supply and da man.
Geoff: I'm pretty sure it's "demand."
Barry: Wrong, Geoffrey. It's when you ask da man what he wants and then you supply it.
Barry: Dad, what do you want?
Murray: To watch Cheers in peace.
Barry: Dad!
Murray: Uh... Sandwich from Lee's.
Barry: Boring! [scoffs] We'll ask another da man.

Quote from Barry

Naked Rob: You need drivers? I'm looking for a little extra cash.
Matt: Me too. I- I hate these shorts.
Andy: And I might be a drug mule, so I am in.
Geoff: I have employees!
Barry: And a president/CEO/visionary. Salary TBD, but likely TB a lot. First thought, we need a name.
Geoff: How 'bout "Food in a Geoffy"?
Barry: Not poppin'. How about "Barry Up and Get Your Food in a Geoffy: A Big Tasty Biz"?
Geoff: It's definitely longer.
Barry: Agreed. I'll order T-shirts.

Quote from Pops

Pops: I know what you're doing, kiddo.
Adam: I'm not doing anything.
Pops: You're conning your mother into writing a paper for you.
Adam: Oh. Yeah, I'm doing that. But it's fine. She wants to spend time with her son, and I want not to write a paper. It's win-win.
Pops: The honorable Sandra Day O'Connor would be appalled that you would even consider this.
Adam: You seem to know a lot about her. Why don't you stick around and help your daughter write her paper?
Pops: Eh, you're all ferkokte. I deserve a pickle.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While I was outsourcing my paper, Geoff's new business was already a source of great stress.
Geoff: Food in a Geoffy. Please hold. [telephone rings] Food in a Geoffy. Please hold. [telephone rings] Food in a Geoffy. How may I help you? What do you mean you only got three loose fries with your order?
Naked Rob: That's on me. I'm a snacker when I drive.
Andy: Me too. But who's gonna actually check the exact length of a footlong?
Geoff: Guys, stop eating the food!
Matt: Does that apply to beverages? 'Cause there used to be two shakes, and now there are none.
Geoff: Damn it, JTP. Just go! Deliver!

Quote from Geoff

Erica: What business?
Geoff: Great news, Erica. I found a better way to relax than hanging around your dorm room. I started a relentless, high-octane food-delivery company. [telephone rings] Food in a Geoffy! Please hold!
Erica: Wait, what is it?
Geoff: Well, it's extremely simple, really.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Except it wasn't.
Geoff: Say you want a burger. [pager beeps] You just page my beeper, I get the page and then call you back wherever I am. You place your order with me, and then I call the restaurant and place that order with them. Then, I or one of my many unreliable drivers get your order, and we drive it to you for a small delivery fee. [pager beeping] Then it starts all over again. And again and again. I haven't slept in two days.
Erica: $2 for all that work?
Geoff: Pretty cool, huh?

Quote from Murray

Erica: Geoff, are you sure this is worth...
Geoff: [telephone rings] Damn it. [answers phone] Food in a Geoffy.
Murray: Hello?
Geoff: Mr. Goldberg?
Murray: Yeah, I'll have a Shasta, light ice, from the kitchen, a chili dog from the Wawa, and take Lucky for a tinkle.
Geoff: We don't provide dog care.
Barry: The customer is always right.
Geoff: On it. [sighs] I'm so happy your gentle annoyance with me pushed me into this.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Food in a Geoffy took over Geoffy's life, my mom-written paper would surely save mine.
Mr. Woodburn: Meh!
Adam: A C? What the hell, man?
Mr. Woodburn: Yeah, just like your haircut, super mediocre.
Adam: But this makes no sense.
Mr. Woodburn: Believe me, that C on your paper is the only thing that was accurate. You referred to Justice O'Connor as Sandy, Sally, Shawna, Shonda, and one time, Tiffany!
Adam: Wow. Yeah. Seems like the most cursory once-over would've caught that.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Aloha, my little academia nut.
Adam: Hi, Mom. Quick question... [slams paper down] Are you a damn fool?
Beverly: A C?
Adam: Yeah, for "crap." If I wanted a C, I would have written it myself.
Beverly: This is not okay!
Adam: Neither is your spelling or grammar or rambling sentences. And who the hell is Tiffany Night O'Brien?
Beverly: Oh, they knew who I meant.
Adam: I don't know who you meant, and I was sitting right there.

Quote from Pops

Pops: I guess we're both pretty deep into a pickle. [bites pickle]

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Erica was worried that Food in a Geoffy was leading Geoff to a nervous breakdown, so she was going to help him relax with a movie.
Erica: See? Isn't this nice? Just you and me and the stress-free corpse comedy of Weekend at Bernie's.
Geoff: Babe, I appreciate it, but I'm fine. Honest. [looks at popcorn] Oh, no! Who is this for? I never got the order, and now it's gonna be late!
Erica: Geoff, the popcorn is for you.
Geoff: Oh, right. I forgot sometimes I eat food, too.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Geoff abandoned Erica to put out a fire, my mom was at school starting one.
Beverly: Thank you for meeting with us. I'll make this quick. Are you a stupid [bleep] idiot?
Adam: Mom!
Mr. Woodburn: Whoa! Coming in hot.
Adam: I think what my mom is trying to say is maybe my paper deserves a slightly higher grade.
Beverly: No "maybe" about it!
Mr. Woodburn: Mrs. Goldberg, this paper is filled with typos and run-on sentences.
Beverly: So? It's also light and fun, like a summer beach read.
Mr. Woodburn: Oh, I laughed a lot. Mostly at how your son and his childlike mind are going to exist in society.

Quote from Adam

Principal Ball: Adam's suspended for two weeks.
Adam: Balls!
Principal Ball: This is a terrifyingly bad paper, especially from an adult.
Beverly: Unacceptable, Earl. Don't take it out on Adam just 'cause you need to stand by your motley crew of burnouts and sad sacks!
Mr. Woodburn: Oh, no. You called me what I am.
Adam: Principal Ball, please! Two weeks at home? Just the two of us? The time does not fit the crime!

Quote from Adam

Principal Ball: I suppose there is another option.
Adam: The understanding that I've clearly learned my lesson?
Principal Ball: The shunning bench. [bell tolls]
Adam: The bench where kids wait to see the school nurse for their lice check? [bell tolls]
Principal Ball: Yes, but we spray it. And it's also part of a hallowed Quaker tradition. The guilty student sits there while his classmates scorn him as they casually stroll by. [chuckles] It's a hoot.
Adam: Sold! Gimme the old-timey benchy thing.
Beverly: Never! We accept the full suspension.
Adam: Why? There's a perfectly viable shaming option available. [bell tolls]

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