Murray: What is this? Why are you talking to me?
Erica: For school. I'm trying to decide between Emory and Miami. They both have awesome music programs.
Murray: Oh! I can actually help you with this. Neither.
Erica: You're telling me you'll pony up for a designer dog bed but not your own daughter's future?
Murray: Yes.

Erica: Guess what, nerd. The dog is definitely Dad's favorite.
Adam: Oh, you saw Lucky's new waterbed, huh?
Erica: It's a waterbed?! I don't even have one!

Barry: Pops, you've lived an impossibly long time. Tell me an old-timey story that reassures me a long-distance relationship can work.
Pops: Well, I once dated a Tunisian woman named Marwa. We would swim in the warm waters of the Mediterranean during the day and become one on the beach at night.
Barry: So it can work.
Pops: It did, until her father chased me around an open-air bazaar with a scimitar.
Barry: Why did I go down this incredibly long road with you for nothing?
Pops: I'll be honest with you, kiddo. When I started that story, I didn't remember how it ended.

Pops: No! Don't look at the boy surgeon and get some fakakte idea.

Barry: Mother, you relentlessly and unrealistically support my dreams more than anyone, right?
Beverly: Mmm. Of course I do, Pumpkin. Not to overstate it, but I'd like to bottle you up and sell you at Bergdorf's.
Barry: That's why I need your help to make sure I become a fully licensed and accredited doctor before Lainey leaves for college.
Beverly: Um, Boopie? It takes years to become a doctor.
Barry: But Doogie is 16 and already does that thing when he yells "Clear!", then shoots lightning into some dude's heart.
Beverly: That sounds fun. But you're still just a boy in high school.

Erica: Just admit it Lucky is your favorite child.
Murray: You're just upset 'cause I won't pay for some fancy out-of-state school.
Erica: No, I'm upset because you don't care. If Lucky was going to college, you'd be a hysterical mess.
Murray: Don't be a moron. There's no such thing as dog college. What would she even study?
Adam: Frisbee catching?
Murray: Please. Lucky hates Frisbees.
Adam: Fine. Tail chasing.
Murray: Lucky doesn't chase her tail.
Adam: Duh! That's why she'd take the class, to learn.

Barry: People of this house. Are you ready to witness the future of fashion?
Pops: What's with the getup, Barry?
Barry: I no longer respond to "Barry." From now on, I am the fashion designer known only as Baré.

Barry: I give you Baré Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
Geoff: I'm a model!
Barry: Next, we got Naked Rob. Baré Styles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
Naked Rob: It really breathes, bro.
Barry: For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modeling the petite line.
Andy: Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you.
Barry: And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
Matt: He shoots and scores. With the ladies.

Pops: Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
Beverly: [bleep] me.

Erica: This is your fault, Dad. Who ties a dog to the lid of a garbage can?
Murray: She was only out there 'cause you staged a fake fire and ruined perfectly good fish sticks!