Dr. Reese: Here's the instructions for his care, and I can't believe I have to say this... Don't rub strange plants on your delicate areas.
Barry: I'll be a doctor, too, soon. [Dr. Reese exits]
Geoff: So, Barry, just to make sure I understand, you want us to help you?
Barry: You're my only choice. Joanne can't know. And I can't ask Mom, 'cause based on prior experiences with ointment, she'd be too eager to help.
Erica: But why us?
Barry: You two dopes are the most responsible people I know. Please? I can't do this on my own. [baby voice] Pwease. Take cawr uv baby Bewwy.
Erica: That doesn't work the way you think it does.
Geoff: Come on, Erica. He looks at us like Mom and Dad.
Erica: [sighs] Pass around the cigars. We're the proud parents of a 210-pound, ten-ounce bundle of idiocy.
Barry: And I promise to make it easy as possible.
Erica: I doubt that.

Murray: Fifty thousand BTUs. Eight burners. Two spits. I can roast a pig and a baby goat at the same time.
Bill Lewis: She's gorgeous, Mur. What are you gonna name her?
Murray: Don't be stupid.
Bill Lewis: Well, I find it easier to connect with objects than people. It's not for everyone.
Murray: And no tank. Just a gas line from the blind couple's house.
Bill Lewis: Why do they own a car?

Beverly: And I know the first person you should invite. Mr. Glascott.
Murray: What? Why do I have to get involved?
Beverly: Well, he's new to the neighborhood, he's eager to meet everyone, and he's got an infectious smile. Plus, if you go right now, you can watch the game in his media room.
Bill Lewis: Those are only for Hollywood fat cats. Or I guess anybody with an extra room.
Beverly: So, what do you think?
Murray: Eh, off to the media room.
Bill Lewis: Life-size cheerleaders. Now it won't be weird when I kiss the screen.

Mr. Glascott: I was like, "Why waste such an amazing space on giant screens and plush seating, when I could have my own Zen garden?"
Murray: Uh, I don't get it. Where's the big TV?
Mr. Glascott: Oh, it's over there. I put one of my old kimonos over it, and I'm using it as a stand for my bonsai tree.
Bill Lewis: It's like a big tree, but everything about it is actually small.
Murray: I tell you what's not small. The amount of sand that's in my shoes.
Bill Lewis: Do they make these in the apple and pear variety? I'd like to pick a piece of tiny fruit and put it next to a spider, huh? [chuckles]
Mr. Glascott: Oh, I'm afraid not. So, who's up for a Zen walk?
Bill Lewis: Me, I guess! How do I do it?
Mr. Glascott: You just step slowly. Let your mind go blank, and keep doing that until the goblins go quiet.
Bill Lewis: Hey, Mur, you gonna hop on this crazy conga line?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] He was not. [Murray has left]
Bill Lewis: Mur?

Geoff: Okay, Erica, you lower him onto the medical donut, and I'll hide his pill in a piece of cheddar.
Barry: Well, now that I know, I won't eat it.
Geoff: My fault. I'm gonna go make you a totally unmedicated milkshake right now.
Barry: Yummy.

Barry: Ahh! She missed the donut!
Geoff: Erica, you got to be careful.
Erica: It's not my fault! He's shaped weird.
Barry: Hey, I'm shaped perfectly!
Geoff: Okay, let's switch it up. Erica, you handle the meds, and I'll lower him onto the butt bagel. Come on. [Barry sighs] How's that?
Barry: It's like floating on freshly fallen snow. How'd you do that?
Geoff: With my strongest muscle. Compassion.
Barry: [forced laugh] Hey. My first laugh since I used every leaf on that uninviting bush. Thanks, Geoff.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] There was his bath...
Barry: [o.s.] Aah! The water is scalding! My secret garden can't take this heat!
Geoff: [to Erica] Did you check with your elbow? You gotta check with the elbow. [shouts] I'm coming in eyes closed!

Geoff: [sighs] Okay, he's finally down.
Erica: Yippee.
Geoff: He wanted a bedtime story, and he insisted I make it super graphic. It was very uncomfortable.
Erica: Well, I'm sure the smile on his dumb little face made it all worth it.
Geoff: Why are you so upset? I'm the one who's doing most of the work.
Erica: Oh, you love doing most of the work.
Barry: [o.s.] Guys! I need help to the bathroom! You know, 'cause of my condition!
Geoff: Here's where I prove you wrong. You're up.
Erica: How about no one's up? We can let him cry it out once in a while.
Geoff: Yeah, that's not really my style.
Erica: Yeah, which is why he's worse and worse. I mean, you just spun him an R-rated goodnight yarn.
Barry: [o.s.] There's a ticking clock on this!
Geoff: Okay, fine, I'll go. But tomorrow, I have to be in lab, so you're on call.
Erica: Fine. But remember, I have a cappella practice.
Barry: [o.s.] Yay! It's Geoff! He helps without hurting.

Essie Karp: I want to go home.
Virginia Kremp: Bevy, is John gonna be at the big barbecue this weekend?
Linda Schwartz: Lou and I might come down with a wet cough depending on your answer. [all fake coughing]
Beverly: [whispers] Glascott will know nothing about the barbecue.

Barry: Wait, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?
Erica: I'm already late. Geoff was supposed to be here an hour ago.
Barry: You can't just leave me here like this!
Erica: Watch me.
Barry: Erica, please. You're the only thing between me, my butt, and your silverware drawer.