Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Geoff was always there for my brother, Mr. Glascott was just... [Beverly sighs] always there.
Beverly: It's almost 5:00. Did you stay late after school?
Adam: Nope, we carpooled and took the scenic route home.
Mr. Glascott: I had a very fascinating dream last night, so I took a few extra turns so that I could tell Adam all the details.
Adam: We drove to Paramus and back.
Mr. Glascott: My brain is very active when I sleep. They say it's a sign of genius. [chuckles] Or madness. But we know which one, right? [chuckles]
Adam: I'm pretty clear on it.

Linda Schwartz: I liked the plot of this one.
Beverly: Me too. One thing happened, then another, then another. And it kept going that way until the end.
Virginia Kremp: And how about the description of that lifeguard? I could almost smell the suntan oil on his abs.
Essie Karp: It's like mouth-to-mouth, and then maybe a little body-to-body.
Mr. Glascott: Essie, did you even read the book?
Essie Karp: I'm sorry?
Mr. Glascott: You should be. What terrible choice did the lifeguard make?
Beverly: Ooh, I remember. He bought some swimming trunks that were way too small.
Virginia Kremp: [chuckles] [whispers] Very tight.
Mr. Glascott: He watched a man drown and did nothing. What's the point of having a book club if you're not gonna read the book?
Beverly: We usually have wine.
Mr. Glascott: Well, it's a good thing that I'm here. I'm gonna get some pens and some paper.
Linda Schwartz: To jot down our grievances with your tone and manner?
Mr. Glascott: No, so we can have an in-class essay, and I want all of your eyes on your own paper. I'm looking at you, Essie.

Erica: I can't believe Geoff flaked like this. [exhales] Hey, what are you doing?
Barry: [scoffs] Nothing.
Erica: I see your hips moving! You're wiggling to itch your butt!
Barry: Okay! I'm sitting on a hairbrush.
Erica: My hairbrush?
Barry: It's not yours anymore. And I don't care if it makes it worse. [sighs] It's the devil's relief.

Erica: Oh, my God. Barry, you need to distract yourself. Here, look at this!
Barry: Whoa! It lights up.
Erica: Mmm-hmm.
Barry: And the mirror makes my eye look like a giraffe's!
Erica: Yeah, you want to know what else is fun? Keys!
Barry: [gasps] [keys jingle] They sound like sleigh bells!
Erica: Mmm-hmm.

Geoff: Hey, babe. What's all this?
Erica: My way of saying sorry. You've done all the work with Barry, and I've been no help. Other than today, when you had to be in the lab.
Geoff: About that, I should have called, but there was, uh, an explosion.
Erica: Oh, no, not in the lab where you definitely were.
Geoff: Definitely. Yeah, the chemicals went... [imitates explosion] And the glass was like... [imitates glass breaking] And everyone was like "Aah!" It was crazy.
Erica: Well, things were less eventful here. I just missed a cappella practice.
Geoff: Oh, right. Sorry about that.
Erica: It's fine. They just gave my solo to the girl with the back brace.
Geoff: That sucks, but she needed the win.

Mr. Glascott: Hello, Beverly.
Beverly: John? You're, um... You're all wet! [chuckles]
Mr. Glascott: Woodburn's homemade canoe wasn't seaworthy. We hit some rapids, and it broke apart.
Beverly: Oh, no.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, yeah. We were at the mercy of the current, gasping for air as we bounced between rocks and other boaters. And they all just laughed at us. Canoeists are not a good people.
Beverly: I'm so sorry.
Mr. Glascott: For what? For the hour that I spent clinging to a branch so that I wouldn't go over a waterfall? Or for the fact that you threw a barbecue without me?
Beverly: Oh, this? What? No, no. Murray just decided to throw an impromptu meat-fest. You know, he's so fun and spontaneous.
Mr. Glascott: He is famously none of those things. You pawned me off so you didn't have to invite me.
Beverly: We have been spending a lot of time...
Mr. Glascott: I get it. Too much John. Well, guess what? You don't get any John! Except if you have another John in your social orbit. I mean, it is quite the common name! [sobs]

Adam: I get that you have constant issues with everybody, but why am I here?
Beverly: Just need a little cover story to get us inside.
Adam: Any chance I can get a little heads up on whatcha got cooking? [door opens] And the door's opening.
Mr. Glascott: Landlord. Landlord's son.
Beverly: Hi. Can we come in?
Mr. Glascott: I'm sorry. I only allow friends into my private domain. We can do our nasty business right here.
Adam: I really wish I could just get a hint about what's going on here.
Beverly: Adam needs to check the rat traps.
Adam: What?! Why me?
Beverly: Because your snuggly little boy body still fits in the crawl space.
Adam: The doctor said I'm still growing.
Beverly: Well, until then, off to the dark you go.
Mr. Glascott: Fine. Just make it quick. I was about to wash my bird's tiny mirror.
Beverly: Here's a bag in case you find anything. And a mallet, so you can... [clicks tongue] You know. [chuckles]
Adam: I don't know! And these are things that should have been discussed beforehand!

Beverly: So... [chuckles] How are things?
Mr. Glascott: Well, things are fine... Oh, how dare you? Trying to lure me in with a classic conversation starter.
Beverly: About the barbecue...
Mr. Glascott: Stop. If you're feeling guilty, don't. I don't need your friendship. [chuckles] I'm aces, baby!
Feather Locklear: [squawks] I'm so lonely. [squawks] I'm so lonely.
Mr. Glascott: But my bird, on the other hand... Relax, girl. You'll find someone.
Beverly: It's clear the bird is just repeating something you said.
Mr. Glascott: Parrots don't do that.
Beverly: Of course they do. It's called "parroting."
Feather Locklear: [squawks] I'm so lonely.
Mr. Glascott: Nap time. [pulls cover over birdcage] [sighs] She just loves to [bleep] with me.

Adam: What are you doing?
Barry: Studying my nemesis. Leaves.
Adam: Well, as always... What?
Barry: For future emergencies, I need to be able to tell which are poisonous and which are not. You see, poison ivy is, uh... Dammit! You distracted me!
Adam: Don't worry, I can tell. Just scoop them up and hand them to me. Come on, not like that. You got to mix 'em up first. Really shuffle 'em good.
Barry: That makes sense.
Adam: Uhp, you got something on your face. [rubs face]
Barry: Is it off?
Adam: Nope, other side.
Barry: [rubs other side] How 'bout now?
Adam: That's perfect, my man. [chuckles] I'll go get the ointment.
Barry: Damn it!

Murray: With a grill like this, I can't have my lady cooking just for me. She'll cook for the whole block.
Beverly: It's the life I've always dreamed of! [grunts] We'll host every weekend and invite all our friends, but we'll always exclude one couple, hmm? Everyone will be in a permanent state of social anxiety. Yay!