Beverly: [answers phone] Adam! Oh, thank God.
Adam: How did you know it was me?
Beverly: It takes only 13 minutes to get to Pop-Pop's house and back. I have been calling and calling. Where were you?!
Adam: Here and there.
Beverly: It's Devil's Night, Adam. Every year, 6 million kids are abducted and slaughtered.
Adam: That seems high.
Beverly: You tell that to my manicurist's manicurist's son.
Adam: She doesn't do her own nails?
Beverly: She doesn't do anything anymore since her son went trick-or-treating and sickos scavenged his head for parts. They stole his eyes, nose, and teeth. Now every year, his costume is the same... human jack-o'-lantern. But the rest of the year, he works in the way, way back at Circuit City.
Adam: So he's doing it!

Brea: What's this? I don't remember the Italian Stallion wearing ThunderCats PJs.
Adam: Sorry, guys, but I have a tiny tickle in my throat. [coughs weakly] Do you hear that?
Brea: Not really.
Adam: It's there, and it hurts a ton.
Matt Schernecke: I thought it was just a tiny tickle.
Adam: An incredibly painful tiny tickle.
Pop-Pop: This whole thing is incredibly painful. I'll take some peanut butter cups.
Murray: Only one! If all we have left are Abba-Zabas, everyone's in trouble.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] She even tried... whatever this was.
[Beverly holds a knife up in the air as she pulls back the shower curtain:]
Beverly: Aah! Get it? It's like in Psycho.
Adam: It is psycho!
Beverly: The only thing psycho is how broad your shoulders have gotten. You're my little Iron Man!
Adam: Oh, God! Just use the knife already!

Geoff: Hey, Barry, could I get my popcorn machine back?
Barry: How dare you? I need it when I want to make and eat popcorn.
Geoff: No, I understand why you borrowed it, but Erica and I are gonna have a Halloween movie marathon.
Joanne: Blood, guts, and gore? Fun.
Erica: Nah, Geoff's not really into that, so instead, we're watching the movies of America's goofball sweetheart, Goldie Hawn.
Geoff: In Overboard, she's a rich lady who gets amnesia and ends up shacking up with Kurt Russell and his lousy kids. On the silver screen, it's a romp, but in the real world, it's kidnapping and sexual slavery.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] With that, my Halloween was back on. Sort of.
Pop-Pop: Let's just get this over with. I don't like looking like a Canadian.
Adam: Also, your cardigan isn't exactly screaming "scary."
Pop-Pop: You want to know what's really scary? I had three UTIs this year, so hustle up. I'm gonna have to take a tinkle soon.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so began the worst Halloween movie ever.
[montage:]
Pop-Pop: How am I gonna murder in this? My face is so hot.
Pop-Pop: Won't they know the goalie did it?
Pop-Pop: So he's killing the campers. Can't say that I blame him. Sleeping on the ground like a bunch of schnooks.

Geoff: What's the emergency, Barry? I was in the middle of Private Benjamin. A sheltered, wealthy lady in the army? Sir, no, sir!

Barry: The emergency is Big Tasty is back!
Joanne: Ha!
Barry: And he's got a million-dollar idea. After hearing "Monster Mash" over and over, it hit me. There's no surer way to pop super-stardom than writing and performing a novelty Halloween hit.
Geoff: What?
Joanne: Damn right, what? And all he needs is your help to come up with the theme, music, and lyrics.
Geoff: Isn't that everything?
Barry: No. I had the idea for the idea. Legally, anything that's said from here on out, I own.
Geoff: What?

Pop-Pop: Oh, son of a bitch! Someone stole my pumpkin.
Adam: Pumpkin? You don't decorate for Halloween.
Pop-Pop: Halloween? No, I was waiting for it to ripen in this nice October air. That was my special soup pumpkin.
Adam: Soup pumpkin?
Pop-Pop: You're damn right. It was a rare albino gourd. That was weeks of soup.
Adam: What am I supposed to do about it?
Pop-Pop: You're gonna help me find the bastard who took it.
Adam: Or we go to the supermarket, and I'll buy you all the weird-colored vegetables your heart desires.
Pop-Pop: And let those bastards win? No way. We're gonna go right now. We're Halloweening.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was Halloween, but instead of the quiet night at home I wanted, I was having a garbage time with Pop-Pop.
Adam: I understand we're looking for a white pumpkin that will yield you months of soup, but why exactly are we wearing trash bags?
Pop-Pop: We gotta blend in with costumes.
Adam: This isn't a costume. It's a Hefty Cinch Sak.
Pop-Pop: Ooh, Cinch Sak. Someone's mommy pays for the good stuff.

Pop-Pop: Now just ring the doorbell, ask for candy. I'll case the house.
Adam: That's your plan? A door-to-door pumpkin search in trash bags?
Pop-Pop: Look at you following along, huh? Now, you got that sock I gave you?
Adam: I threw it away.
Pop-Pop: Threw it away? That's grocery store socks. Now where are you gonna put the candy?
Adam: Your foot was just in there!
Pop-Pop: Oh, check you, Prince of Persia, too good to eat sweets from my calf-highs.
Adam: Fine! Just give me the other one, I guess.
Pop-Pop: [groans] There.
Adam: Oh, God. Why is it damp?
Pop-Pop: There's a cool mist in the air.
Adam: No, there isn't! And why is it warm to the touch? It's like the towel they give you at Benihana before the meal.