Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was May 12th, 1980-something, and senior prom was approaching. I couldn't wait to party with my friends and my girl, Brea.
Adam: I need some dress info. Are we still going classic black? And is a corsage that squirts water still a deal breaker?
Brea: It is, and that's all I'm telling you... except that my dress is perfect.
Adam: I feel ya. I mean, my tux is a rental and deeply discounted because it's a size called "almost a mister," but we have everything in common.
Brea: Well, what we do have is pretty special.

Dave Kim: What's up with your face? It's the same smile you had when you fell in that puppy pit in 5th grade.
Adam: There's not a man alive who wouldn't love that many little tongues. And I'm excited about this weekend.
Dave Kim: So you heard about it, too? Mega Twister's finally here.
Adam: Twister? Oh, no, thanks. My mom says that's a gateway game to having babies.
Dave Kim: Mega Twister... the new coaster at White Swan Park. I heard it killed three people in testing.
Adam: As much fun as possibly falling out of the sky in Pittsburgh sounds, I think you're forgetting prom is this Friday.
Dave Kim: I didn't forget. But as I don't have a date, I think you know what that means.
Adam: Is that our friendship pact?
Dave Kim: Indeed. This states that if one of us doesn't have a prom date, the other will stand by him in "lonesome solidarity".
Adam: I was being a boy, not signing a mortgage. And what about Brea?
Dave Kim: You're always going on about how understanding she is. She'll get it. We're gonna eat churros and do a loop-de-loop!

Geoff: [sighs] [crunch] Not too much heat. Okay, now some burning, but I'm gonna fight through it. Oh, wow! My tongue is on fire! Wait. It's subsiding. I survived.
Barry: The jar says "mild." You haven't succeeded in any way.
Matt: Sorry, buddy.
Naked Rob: You were so close.
Andy: My cousin's baby eats that stuff.
Geoff: Even though it was mild, I feel like I've started my journey to self-discovery.
All: Mild! Mild! Mild! Mild!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As my mom swore to find the facts on Geoff, I was on a mission of my own: land my best bud a prom date.
[montage:]
Adam: Dave Kim. Mop-top like a Beatle or the excellent character actress Linda Hunt. He looks great in a turtleneck. Like a sea captain.
Adam: Wait till he pops those glasses off. Sure, he will be legally blind and fly into a panic that his doctor calls "the shadow terrors," but hubba-hubba, am I right?
Girl #1: You are not.
Girl #2: Ew. No.
Girl #3: Yes.
Adam: Okay. Well, now that you've said yes, what about instead of Matt Dillon, you're going with Dave Kim?
Girl #3: I-I just remembered, all my grandmas just died.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was gonna be harder than I thought. But then, I remembered Dave Kim's old flame, Carla.
Adam: There she is. The second-prettiest girl in the world.
Carla: Who's first? I'll kill her dead.
Adam: I meant a-after my girlfriend.
Carla: You have a girlfriend? Man, the world has changed since I got out.
Adam: "Got out"? Of school?
Carla: Sure.
Adam: The reason I'm here is to remind you of your first great love.
Carla: Gummy bear-flavored vodka?
Adam: Equally intoxicating... Dave Kim.
Carla: I do miss the DK Broiler... someone who spoiled me with minimal human decency.
Adam: Then how about you take him to prom?
Johnny Atkins: She's spoken for, homeslice.
Carla: He wants me to get back together with Dave Kim. Would that make you angry?
Johnny Atkins: Yeah. Let's dance, Goldnerd.
Carla: There you go! Take off your shirt and fight him.
Johnny Atkins: Today was your last day upright, muchacho!
Adam: What? Just... Just... Whoa. Sleep on it! Sleep on it! Shoot!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] I had officially exhausted all my options, which was not gonna be good news for my best pal.
Adam: Dave Kim! Or should I say, "Dave Gym"? Hoh-hoh! Put the guns away, Josey Wales.
Dave Kim: I guess I have been lightsabering all winter. But I have great news. My aunt got us White Swan VIP passes.
Adam: We can cut any line! What a fun thing that you think is better than a warm human prom date.
Dave Kim: Adam, I tried. You wouldn't believe how many girls said no to me.
Adam: I might.
Dave Kim: I really appreciate this. It means everything to me. [they hug]
Adam: Maybe a meteor will hit Jenkintown and I won't have to make any decisions tomorrow.
Mr. Woodburn: That's how I live my life. Carpe who cares.

Erica: Wow, he's really doing it.
Beverly: This doesn't prove he's dating someone, too.
Erica: But this does. [holds up year book] Paula Hogan. She's real.
Beverly: Whoa, what a natural beauty. I mean, gross. Ew! Who... Who would want dimples and a joyful spirit?
Erica: What do I do?
Beverly: Don't jump to conclusions just from one photo. This isn't over.
Erica: It feels like it is.
Beverly: [Bleep] Australia.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Prom was only a day away, and I had to choose between my best friend and my girlfriend.
Mr. Woodburn: Goldberg, no sleeping in my classroom! It's an insult to me and whatever subject I teach.
Adam: I'm in the middle of a crippling meltdown over here.
Mr. Woodburn: Boo-hoo. Talk to me when you're workin' three jobs to afford medicated food for a dog that hates you.

Sydney: What's got you so worked up?
Adam: It's prom.
Sydney: Tell me about it. My boyfriend can't come because his frat's being investigated.
Adam: You don't have a prom date?
Sydney: Yeah. I'd pretty much go with anyone, at this point.
Adam: I know someone that qualifies as anyone. How about Dave Kim?
Sydney: That grabby kid in the wheelchair?
Adam: Very different person, but if you're cool with Wayne, you're gonna have no problem with my guy.
Sydney: On the following condition: you have to do all of my homework for the rest of the semester.
Adam: Completely unreasonable. But it solves my problem and I'm uncomfortable with conflict. Deal.
Sydney: And that includes the labs for this class. [stands up]
Mr. Woodburn: Sydney, where do you think you're going?
Adam: My new lab partner's got this.
Mr. Woodburn: Goldberg, are you debasing yourself to curry favor with a cheerleader? Full respect.

Erica: Our whole relationship was me forcing my will on him. If he's happy with this new life, then I'm not gonna be the one to ruin it.
Beverly: So if someone else were to ruin it...
Erica: Stop. No meddling.
Beverly: Okay, well, I am not gonna just sit back and watch you leave.
Erica: That's not your choice, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Beverly: Really? [grabs Erica's suitcase]
Erica: What the hell? [Beverly rips Erica's suitcase in half] Holy crap! That was mostly leather!
Beverly: There's nothin' more powerful than a mama bear when she's cornered.
Erica: I'm not gonna deny that wasn't impressive, but still, you need to leave me and Geoff alone.
Beverly: You have my word. I will leave you and Geoff alone.