Will: You know, so when I was at Notre Dame, right, they put me in the last play of the last game, right. Of course, when Hollywood got a hold of my story they made it a White dude.

Hilary: Don't worry, Ash, there are plenty of men in the sea.
Ashley: You mean fish in the sea.
Hilary: No, I mean men, fish don't own yachts.

Geoffrey: Ah, Miss Ashley, ready for your big date?
Ashley: Not really.
Philip: What's the matter, honey?
Ashley: Did you ever have one of those days when you just don't feel pretty?
Geoffrey: No.

Will: Guess what I have in my hand.
Jackie: Do I have to call security?
Will: Before you have me tossed in the clink you might wanna check it out. Uncle Phil's floor seats to the Lakers. So, what's up, I'll pick you up like 6, 6: 15?
Jackie: Will, I appreciate you asking, especially three hours before game time, but I'm kind of dating someone right now.
Will: You dating somebody right now? Well, how come I'm the last to know?
Jackie: I have my reasons.
Will: Oh, I get it, I get it. You're embarrassed. Dude is probably some snaggletoothed, pie-faced, snausage-lipped, hunchback...
Jackie: It's Hank Farley.
Will: Heisman Trophy winning fool.

Jackie: Tonight's Hank's 21 st birthday party.
Will: Hey, Jackie, hey, come on, girl now, you know that Hank Farley is not your type. I'm saying, you strip away the shoulder pads and the muscles and the dimples and what you got?
Jackie: You.

Ashley: I don't know what to do. Robert's due here at 8 and I can't do anything with my hair nothing looks good on me and I feel fat.
Philip: Oh, Ashley, you look adorable.
Ashley: Oh, that's real comforting coming from my father. That's it, I'm not going.
Hilary: Ashley, wait. Look, your date won't be here for another hour. Let's go upstairs and I'll give you some Hilary Banks beauty tips. Trust me, I know exactly what you're feeling.
Ashley: You mean, you've had nights where you felt fat and ugly?
Hilary: Okay, so I don't know exactly what you mean.

Hilary: Daddy, I hope you're sitting down. Oh. Well, we all knew that Ashley was, well, cute... But with my help, she has turned into an absolute knockout. So it gives me great pleasure to present: The new Ashley Banks.
[Ashley comes down the stairs in an outfit almost identical to Hilary's, complete with a hat and a handbag]
Hilary: Well, isn't she the most gorgeous creature you've ever seen?
Philip: Well, honey she looks like you.
Hilary: I know. Isn't it great? I can't wait for Mom to see her. When is she coming home?
Philip: I'm not sure. She's bowling next door at the Spellings. Ashley, sweetheart, are you comfortable dressed like this?
Ashley: Well, Daddy, it all comes down to what Robert thinks.
Hilary: Ashley, aren't we forgetting something? [Ashley giggles] I am so proud. Don't move, I need a picture of this. I'll go get my camera. [both giggle]

Philip: Well, Ashley, you look very nice.
Ashley: Nice? I look like Honey, I Shrunk the Hilary.
Philip: If you don't like what Hilary did to you, why don't you tell her so?
Ashley: I can't. It would hurt her feelings. There's only one thing I can do. [on the phone] Hello, Robert? Listen, I can't go. I got stuck babysitting my little brother. Yeah, me too. Well, bye. [hangs up]
Hilary: [enters] Okay. Say, "Charge it."
Ashley: Hilary, Robert canceled on me. And after all your hard work.
Hilary: Oh, that's awful. But look on the bright side. You might have gotten dumped, but you look marvelous. [exits]
Philip: Ashley, where did you learn to lie like that?
Ashley: Mom taught me.

Carlton: Freeze! Will, what the heck do you think you're doing? You can't drink.
Will: Why not?
Carlton: Because you're underage. It's against the law, mister.
Will: Thank you very much, McGruff, the Crime Dog but this is the law of the jungle. It's chump or be chumped. I know what I'm doing.

Hank: You happy, chump? Jackie left.
Will: Oh, man, that's really That's a shame. That's a shame because she's going to miss my tribute to you. Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to make a roast to Mr. Stank Barley. Now, listen, listen. This man is an all-American... which don't really matter because we all Americans. No, but seriously, Spanky here got some moves. But, he ain't getting no parts of the scoreboard with my girl Jackie because she can see through a chump like you a mile away. Both of you. Jock itching, wide receiving, love-to-take-the-snap punk. [laughs] Happy Kwanzaa, Crank.