Jim: Smoke?
Will: No, no, I don't smoke. Hey, you shouldn't either, man. I just gave a health tip to a dead guy.
Jim: Somebody's been hitting the vino.
Will: Oh, it's tequila. I mean, I was just going shot-for-shot with this football clown.
Jim: Oh, drinking contests are Nowheresville. You wanna prove you're a real man, you play chicken. Now, two guys drive towards a cliff. The first one that stops, loses. That's how I got here. I won.
Will: I'm sorry, let's review here: You went flying off a cliff. The guy who didn't is probably laying up under your woman right now... And you're stuck here playing eternal poker with no chips. Nice going, buddy.

Will: Hey, Billy?
Billy: Who wants to know?
Will: Oh, my name is Will Smith.
Billy: Can you catch?
Will: Oh, yeah, come on, throw it. Let's see what you've got. [catches ball] Oh, some arm you got there, kid.
Billy: I know, I was gonna play shortstop for the Dodgers.
Will: Hey, maybe you still will one day. [Billy shakes his head] Billy, how did you die?
Billy: I was playing ball on the sidewalk. This car jumped the curb, took me out. The driver was drunk. Come on, let's play. [Will takes his car keys into his hands]
Will: No, I'm not feeling so good, Billy. I'm gonna just chill for a minute.

Carlton: Look, why would you even bother competing with a guy like that?
Will: That dude was trying to play me, man. What was I supposed to do?
Carlton: You could have walked away.
Will: That... I know... The... You know, it's like I was watching myself being stupid but I couldn't do nothing about it. That must be what Chevy Chase felt like.

Will: Hey, hey! Hey, Jackie! I didn't see you standing in front of the dip.
Hank: Is this guy a friend of yours?
Will: Who wants to know?
[Hank goes over and opens the window]
Crowd: [chanting] Hank, Hank, Hank...
Hank: And you are?
[Will goes over and opens the window]
Crowd: Where's Hank?
Will: If that was a sorority out there they would know what my name was.

Will: You know, my brother, I was wondering was that the Ohio State game where you fumbled three times?
Hank: Yeah, well, I really shouldn't have tried to play with a broken hand.
Will: Well, I played basketball once without a leg.
Hank: Then that explains why your jokes are so lame.
Will: Hey, now, was that your call, or did the coach send that in?
Jackie: Hey, the testosterone is starting to reach a dangerous level.

Carlton: I'm ashamed of you. Look, I'm gonna go take Jackie home. Wait here until I get back. And you're in no condition to drive, mister. As a matter of fact, give me your keys.
Will: Hey, hey, what you talking about, man? I can keep my own car keys. You understand? I'm responsible. I had a puppy.
Carlton: What happened to him?
Will: I don't know.
Carlton: Give me those keys.
Will: Uh-uh, that ain't it.
Carlton: Just wait here, I'll be back for you.
Will: I hope you're gonna have fun driving my gym locker. [laughs]

Louis: Hey, kid, get up.
Will: What's that, Jackie? You've got an even smaller bathing suit?
Louis: All right, Sleepy, let's go. Naptime's over.
Will: Oh, man, I feel like death.
Louis: Well, you came to the right place.
Will: What the- Are you the caretaker here?
Louis: No, I'm more like a tenant. Hey, you play poker? We need a fourth.
Will: A fourth? There's only two of us. [a male and female ghost appear]
Louis: Now there's four.
Will: Make it three.

Will: Y'all are dead, aren't you?
Judith: "Dead" is so politically incorrect. We prefer the term, "living impaired."
Jim: That's much nicer.
Louis: I can live with that.
Will: Am I dead?
Jim: Well, there's only one way to find out: Take the wall test. [Will crashes into the wall] The living guys always fall for that. Come on, sit down.

Jim: Hey, they called me yellow.
Judith: Oh, please, Rebel-Without-A-Clue it's kids like you who make me glad I never had children.
Will: So you were married?
Judith: Yes, but I was so focused on my career that my husband left me. I think. I actually never did have time to read that note.
Will: So, what did you do?
Judith: I was in publishing, worked with a number one author. Very competitive, but I pushed and pushed until I made it to the top. Mmm, I liked being on top. I was a real winner.
Will: Is winning really worth going to an early grave?
Louis: You bet it is. Yeah, I always wanted to be the best. You know, I never even sat down between rounds. Yeah, I couldn't wait to get back in there and slug it out.
Will: Let me guess. You died in the ring?
Louis: No, during the post-fight interview. The doctor said the next punch could kill me. A lucky guess.

Will: You know, if you guys don't mind me saying you all died for some really dumb reasons.
Judith: Now, that's where you're wrong. We may have paid the ultimate price, but at least we had everyone's respect.
Will: Yes, their last respects.
Jim: Oh, not again.
Louis: Yo, Billy, go back to your plot. That damn kid won't stay buried.
Judith: I don't have the patience to deal with him. Would you mind?
Will: Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.