Will: Yeah, me neither, man. You know, but what happened was, you know, I was putting together this book. It was called Celebrities' Houses At Night. It's a good concept, right?
Jay Leno: Yeah, great, great. Yeah, terrific idea.
Will: Well, you know, what happened was, you know, I just wanted to show Lisa that I was special, you know? Because I just really don't wanna lose her because I really like her. And, well, you know, the pictures I gave them to the guy, he was supposed to put out my book. And, you know, he winded up putting it in the National Inquisitor. Jay, I never meant for anything bad to happen. I didn't mean for the pictures to be for that. Listen, America, I just want you to know it was not oil, it was coffee. Jay was pouring coffee out. It wasn't oil.
Jay Leno: Right. Well, thank you, Smith, for clearing that up. I appreciate that.
Will: Well, you know, my friends call me Will.
Jay Leno: Thanks a lot, Smith. I really appreciate that.
Will: Thank you.
Jay Leno: Yeah. Actually, that's kind of romantic, I think, though. I think I mean, what you... You are goofy, and you are an idiot. But that's beside the point. It's still kind of a romantic thing. And maybe we should drop the suit. What do you think, audience? [crowd applauds] All right, Will. Okay. You're off the hook.
Will: Thanks a lot, Jay.
Jay Leno: All right, all right.
Will: Hey, who's our next guest?
[Will is thrown out of The Tonight Show studio, a la Jazz]

Lisa: What are you doing?
Will: Oh, I'm trying to see how close I can get to your head without hitting it.
Lisa: Uh. You know, you're not doing a very good job. And the next time you throw one of those at me, I'm gonna make you eat it.
Will: Ooh.
Lisa: Oh, see, now see, now see, now you're in trouble.
Will: I'm in trouble?
Lisa: Uh-huh. Now you're in trouble.
Will: Okay. [they kiss] Mm.
Lisa: Mm.
Will: Whoo. Well, if that's what happens for throwing a couple grapes at you...

Lisa: Will, you know what I like about you?
Will: What? That I'm so romantic?
Lisa: No, that you're so goofy.
Will: Goofy, well... Oh, you mean like in a suave, debonair, Denzel-ian kind of way, right?
Lisa: No, not really.
Will: What? What do you mean? I'm, what, immature?
Lisa: No, no, no. I mean that you're spontaneous and you're fun and, you know, goofy.
Will: Why don't we just study? How about that? Let's just get back to studying.
Lisa: Fine.
Will: Your mom goofy.

Will: Hey, what's up, y'all? Listen. If you had to sum me up in, you know, like, one word how would y'all describe me?
Carlton: Freeloader.
Philip: Undependable.
Ashley: He's not a freeloader.
Carlton: Lazy. Of course he's lazy. He works for me. He's a freeloading, lazy bum.
Ashley: Oh, come on.
Carlton: Believe me, he's lazy.

Will: Excuse me. Excuse me. I said one word. Come on, y'all. Like suave, debonair, strong.
Philip: What's this for, Will?
Will: Well, you know, the other night, Lisa said I was kind of, you know, goofy.
All: Yes, that's it.
Carlton: Exactly.
Philip: We're going to go with goofy, Will.

Lisa: I'm excited because my friend Marvin got published in the op-ed section.
Will: Pfft. I mean, if I put my mind to it, I could write in any one of them old magazines.
Lisa: Baby, you don't need to prove to me that you're an intellectual. I like you just the way you are.
Will: What is that supposed to mean?
Lisa: Oh, just forget it. Ooh. I cannot wait to read this. The last article he wrote, ooh, it gave me goose bumps. I'm gonna climb into a hot bubble bath and get started on this right now. See you later.
Carlton: A bubble bath? "Marvin, take me away."

Will: I'm saying, man, how hard could it be to write a dumb article? Yo, I could write a whole book.
Carlton: What kind of book?
Will: A good one. One that real people would wanna read. You know, with pictures and stuff.
Carlton: Oh, a coloring book.
Will: No, I'm being serious, Carlton. How hard could it be to write good?
Carlton: Well.
Will: Well, what?
Carlton: Never mind.

Will: You know what I'm saying, Carlton?
Carlton: [sniffling] I sure do. Give me a hug, big guy.
Will: Carlton, what is wrong with you, man?
Carlton: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just got caught up in the moment.
Will: Why don't you get caught up in keeping your eyes on the road?
Carlton: All right, okay. Look, just take a picture of Bob Barker's house.
Will: Oh, man. Look like Bob up in there getting his freak on. Bobby, come on down.

Will: All right, all right. Check it out. Listen. I even got a title.
Johnny Soccio: It's called Celebrities' Houses At Night. I'm not sure.
Will: Wait, you're right. Look at this picture. How about this one? Look at Richard Simmons in his back yard cooking them big old stank sausages. Oh, man, that one is gold.
Johnny Soccio: Look, kid, I gotta tell you, this picture doesn't really do it for me, okay? I mean, look at it, it's too dark.
Will: Oh, see, you're not open. You're not open, man. I'm telling you. It's Celebrities' Houses At Night.
Johnny Soccio: Okay, look, look. Kid, you got a nice idea here with the house thing. It's just not something I can get behind, all right? Okay.
Will: Okay. All right. See, because you're not letting your cerebellum rotate. Listen. Look at this. It's not just pictures. I wrote little stories with them too. Bam! You didn't notice that one. See, it's different now. See, because I'm not just a photographer. I'm a photographer and a writer. I'm ambidextrous.
Johnny Soccio: Nice try, huh? Maybe next time.

Johnny Soccio: Hey, don't forget your pictures here. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Is this one Jay Leno?
Will: Yeah, that's him.
Johnny Soccio: What is he doing here?
Will: Um, I don't know. He was pouring some coffee in the sewer or something. I don't know, what does my story say?
Johnny Soccio: Oh, I could use this in one of my publications.
Will: Really?
Johnny Soccio: Oh, yeah. Hey, America loves Jay Leno.
Will: So, what, it'd be more like an article?
Johnny Soccio: Yeah, that's right.
Will: Hey, but I still get credit and everything, right?
Johnny Soccio: That and $500. Here, here, here. I want you to read this release form. Sign it when you're ready.