Will Quote #1339
Will: Yeah, me neither, man. You know, but what happened was, you know, I was putting together this book. It was called Celebrities' Houses At Night. It's a good concept, right?
Jay Leno: Yeah, great, great. Yeah, terrific idea.
Will: Well, you know, what happened was, you know, I just wanted to show Lisa that I was special, you know? Because I just really don't wanna lose her because I really like her. And, well, you know, the pictures I gave them to the guy, he was supposed to put out my book. And, you know, he winded up putting it in the National Inquisitor. Jay, I never meant for anything bad to happen. I didn't mean for the pictures to be for that. Listen, America, I just want you to know it was not oil, it was coffee. Jay was pouring coffee out. It wasn't oil.
Jay Leno: Right. Well, thank you, Smith, for clearing that up. I appreciate that.
Will: Well, you know, my friends call me Will.
Jay Leno: Thanks a lot, Smith. I really appreciate that.
Will: Thank you.
Jay Leno: Yeah. Actually, that's kind of romantic, I think, though. I think I mean, what you... You are goofy, and you are an idiot. But that's beside the point. It's still kind of a romantic thing. And maybe we should drop the suit. What do you think, audience? [crowd applauds] All right, Will. Okay. You're off the hook.
Will: Thanks a lot, Jay.
Jay Leno: All right, all right.
Will: Hey, who's our next guest?
[Will is thrown out of The Tonight Show studio, a la Jazz]
Quote from Ashley
Will: Well, I know what I gotta do.
Lisa: He's not gonna do anything stupid, is he?
Ashley: You don't know him very well, do you?
Quote from Geoffrey
Hilary: Attention, everyone. Attention. I have an announcement. My horoscope said that I will prosper in my house. So I figured I better go buy one.
Geoffrey: Hallelujah! Excuse me.
Quote from Hilary
Ashley: Hilary, that's wonderful.
Hilary: Nothing fancy. No more than six or seven bedrooms. And I don't even care if it has a wine cellar. For now.
Carlton: Wait a minute. How are you going to afford a house like that?
Hilary: I have discovered a unique method of savings. I never spend my own money. [giggles] By the way, Daddy, don't use your platinum card this month.
Carlton: Let me get this straight. All this time, you've been hoarding your salary while feasting away on the family fortune? What do you say to that, big guy?
Philip: All I heard is that she's moving.
Quote from Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse
Will: Hey, you know what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, it ain't like I'm still 5 years old, you know. It ain't like I'm going to be sitting up every night asking my mom: "When's Daddy coming home?" You know, who needs him? He wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?
Philip: Yeah, you did.
Will: Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive. I learned how to shave. I learned how to fight without him. I had 14 great birthdays without him. He never even sent me a damn card. To hell with him! I didn't need him then and I don't need him now.
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him. I'm gonna get a great job without him. I'm going to marry me a beautiful honey, and I'm gonna have me a whole bunch of kids and I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, because there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids. How come he don't want me, man?
Quote from I, Done (Part 2)
Carlton: So, Will, you haven't told me about your new place.
Will: Oh. Yeah, yeah. Uh, you know, I'm moving in soon. You know, right now they putting a Jacuzzi in and they getting the mirrors on the roof.
Carlton: So what, it's kind of a fixer-upper?
Will: Oh, no, no. No, not at all, man. Yo, this place is huge. I mean, we got floor-to-ceiling walls and wall-to-wall floors. Man, yo, it's the bomb.
Quote from Father Knows Best
Miss Sharpe: Well, will Mrs. Banks be joining us?
Will: Uh, no, I'm single. I mean, um, Ashley's mother ran out on us. Ashley was but a mere tyke at the time. I had to be both Mommy and Daddy. We went from training wheels to training bras. They both came off too soon, didn't they, kitten?