Will: Well, I know what I gotta do.
Lisa: He's not gonna do anything stupid, is he?
Ashley: You don't know him very well, do you?

Hilary: Attention, everyone. Attention. I have an announcement. My horoscope said that I will prosper in my house. So I figured I better go buy one.
Geoffrey: Hallelujah! Excuse me.

Ashley: Hilary, that's wonderful.
Hilary: Nothing fancy. No more than six or seven bedrooms. And I don't even care if it has a wine cellar. For now.
Carlton: Wait a minute. How are you going to afford a house like that?
Hilary: I have discovered a unique method of savings. I never spend my own money. [giggles] By the way, Daddy, don't use your platinum card this month.
Carlton: Let me get this straight. All this time, you've been hoarding your salary while feasting away on the family fortune? What do you say to that, big guy?
Philip: All I heard is that she's moving.

Carlton: How you doing, goofy? [laughs]
Will: Shut up, Carlton.
Carlton: Well, look, I don't know. Maybe Lisa's trying to give you a hint. I mean, first she calls you goofy. The next thing you know, she's not calling you.
Will: [scoffs] Yeah, right. You think?
Carlton: Will, if there's one thing I know, it's about women not calling.

Will: Hey, Carlton, thanks for coming along.
Carlton: No problem. The sooner you make money, you're out of the house and ultimately out of my life.
Will: Hey, man, what do you think of this title for my book? I'm gonna call it Celebrities' Houses At Night.
Carlton: I may have misjudged you, Will. You really are pulling out all the stops for this girl. Look at you.Your hair's neat, your nails are trimmed. You started flossing again.
Will: Hey, man, look, I even trim my nose hair. Check it out.
Carlton: Nice job.
Will: Thanks. I don't know. It's just wild, man. You know, it's like Lisa's the first thought in my mind when I wake up in the morning. She's the last thought before I go to sleep. Man, you know, I can talk to her about anything. You know, it's like her face has just been engraved inside my head. It's like, just say I'm having a bad day. No matter what it is, just terrible. It's like, that first second that I see her beautiful face and she puts her arms around me, I touch her lips, it's like, just everything is better. Everything.

Philip: How do you go from trying to make a little impression on Lisa to being sued by Jay Leno for $10 million?
Will: Um... I'm goofy? But wait, wait. Come on, Uncle Phil, I am the victim here. That publisher took my pictures and used them for evil instead of good. I mean, he like Hugh Hefner. And I'm an innocent young girl from the Midwest.
Philip: And you expect me to clean up this mess, huh?
Will: Well, yeah, man. You know the routine. I do something stupid, you clean it all up. The only difference is this time, I didn't do nothing.
Philip: I think you've taken troublemaking to a whole new plateau.
Will: Wait a minute. Come on. You gotta know somebody down there. I mean, a cameraman, a makeup girl. Maybe you sentenced one of the guys in the band or something.

Philip: Will, there is a bigger issue involved here. I can't keep pulling your butt out of the fire.
Will: You're right. You're right, Uncle Phil. Look... And this is the last two or few times. I promise.
Philip: You know, Will, there comes a time...
Will: Oh, not the "there comes a time" speech. I'd pay $10 million to not have to hear that again.
Philip: I'd pay $10 million so I didn't have to say it again.
Will: Fine. If you don't wanna help me, just say that. I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out. I don't need nobody. [exits; returns] Dude, why don't I watch you handle this one, I'll get the next one, all right?

Hilary: I can't believe that that realtor wasted my time on that dump.
Ashley: Hilary, that house was gorgeous. What's the problem?
Hilary: Problem? Well, for starters, the layout. Say I'm having a small garden party for 50 of my closest friends and someone spills cocktail sauce on their Armani suit. My maid Hildegard would have to go through the gazebo into the living room past the library and up the steps to get to the laundry room.
Ashley: Hilary, that's ridiculous.
Hilary: You're right. Who cares how far Hildegard has to walk?

Philip: Well, I finally contacted Leno's lawyer.
Will: Yeah? What's up, Uncle Phil? What'd he say?
Philip: Well, I'm sorry, but it doesn't look good. I'm afraid you're liable. [Carlton chuckles]
Will: What is so funny?
Carlton: You're liable for libel. Get it? Those are homonyms.
Will: Carlton, your next crack is gonna be in your head.
Carlton: Try it and I'll sue. [laughs]

Jay Leno: Welcome back. My next guest is a young comedian making his first appearance on The Tonight Show. Please give a warm welcome to a very funny young man, Mr. John Ridley. [crowd cheering]
Will: Hey, how you doing? Hey. Well, you know, the other day, I just had this bottle of aspirin, you know. But I couldn't take it because I'm Black. What I mean is, you know, the bottle had cotton in it, you know. Get it? Cotton. I'm Black. Well, well, actually, you know, what I mean is... Um...
Jay Leno: Hey, wait a minute, wait. This isn't John. What's going on? Security, have this guy removed.
Will: Wait. Wait a minute. Hey, Jay, listen. You gotta listen to me. I'm the guy that you're suing, Will Smith.
Jay Leno: You're the guy that's been putting the stuff in the paper?
Will: Yeah, that's me.
Jay Leno: You probably know, there's been a lot written about me. A lot of it untrue. And this seems to be the gentleman responsible. Come over here. Why don't we settle it right now. Why don't you sit down here. You got two minutes to explain yourself.
Will: Hey.
Jay Leno: All right, tell us what's going on.
Will: Jay, listen. I was just trying to impress my girlfriend, Lisa. I like her a lot, you know. So I just wanted to prove to her that I wasn't, you know, goofy.
Jay Leno: You, goofy? Gee, I can't imagine how she got that idea. What are you talking about?