Philip: You know, this... This really irritates me. I have worked very hard to give my family a good life and suddenly somebody tells me there's a penalty for success. I'm sorry you had to go through this, son. When are we gonna stop doing this to each other?

Top Dog: Pledge Banks, where are you from?
Carlton: Bel-Air.
Will: South central Bel-Air.
Carlton: I live right across the street from the Aaron Spelling mansion. You know, the producer of Beverly Hills, 90210?
Top Dog: I don't watch it.
Carlton: Oh, you don't know what you're missing. Dylan's on the verge of getting back with Brenda.
Will: You are on the verge of making a fool out of yourself. They really getting back together, though?

Top Dog: Attention! Busters. I hope you like your new uniforms. You will be wearing them for a week.
Carlton: Excuse me, Mr.
Top Dog: Top Dog, sir. Pledge Banks, you only speak when you are spoken to.
Carlton: Well, are you speaking to me now, or are you?
Will: Ssh.
Carlton: Oh, I'm sorry, Will, but I think everyone here will agree that wearing the same thing for a week is not good hygiene. Right, fellas?
Top Dog: So Pledge Banks likes to wash clothes.
Carlton: Actually, my butler handles the laundry.
Top Dog: Your butler?
Carlton: Yes, Geoffrey. He's a whiz with my fine washables.

Philip: Okay, Geoffrey, let's have it.
Geoffrey: I'm too ashamed to talk about it. It's better if I show you. [goes to the VCR]
Will: You did a porno movie?
Hilary: Ew.
Narrator: [on TV] Montreal, site of the 1976 Olympics where some athletes become heroes to their countries and where one man became the shame of a nation. Geoffrey Butler, a long-distance runner representing Great Britain was descended from a long line of running Butlers. The hopes of a nation were on this promising runner's shoulders. Alas, his best was simply not good enough. Halfway through the race, young Geoffrey Butler hit the wall. But unfortunately, he would not accept his defeat. In this amazing footage shot by Japanese tourist, Hashi Takashi, Geoffrey Butler's unthinkable actions were captured.
Hashi Takashi: [on TV] [speaks Japanese] "He jumped in a cab. It took him to the Olympic Stadium parking lot. He entered the stadium ahead of all the other runners."
Narrator: [on TV] Geoffrey Butler's false victory was short-lived. The Takashi footage was released almost immediately and the public was outraged. Geoffrey Butler dropped from sight, never to be seen again. To his countrymen, he is the shame of a nation.
Geoffrey: That's the shameful secret I have kept inside for 17 years. [all laugh]
Will: Hey, hey. Hey, G, man. Hey, we ain't laughing at you, man. I guess we kind of are. Hey, G, why don't you run into the kitchen and get me something. Or better yet, take a cab.
Geoffrey: Sensitive lot, aren't you?

Will: Uncle Phil, let me tell you, this dude is hilarious. I mean, he's fun, he's funny. He makes me think about stuff in a way that I never even looked at it before. And I dropped his class.
Philip: Let me guess. Western Philosophy, right?
Will: How does everybody know that?
Philip: Because every time you're faced with a challenge, you run for cover.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, now, that is not true, Uncle Phil. I mean, this whole college thing is just kind of new to me.
Philip: Oh, bull! It's old territory. I mean, you're always going on about how you want to be out on your own and get respect. But you don't do anything to earn it.
Will: Oh, look, I think it's my break time.
Philip: What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? I mean, you're smart, you're charming. You have gifts that other people would kill to have. And what do you do? You throw it away by taking the easy road.
Will: Uncle Phil, this is one class.
Philip: No, this is not one class, Will. This is your life. It's not my life, it's not Carlton's life and you only get out of it what you put into it. And you are off to one lousy start.
Will: But enough about me, Uncle Phil. Let's talk about you.
Philip: That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Will: "Roommate wanted. Minutes from school. Must love ice hockey, country-and-western music and Tom Cruise movies." This is worse than Jazz's.

Vivian: Will, honey, you and Carlton will look out for each other, won't you?
Will: Come on, absolutely, Aunt Viv. We got each other's back.
Vivian: Great, great, great. You two just be careful. There are a lot of sick, demented perverts out there.
Jazz: [enters] Greetings, all.
Vivian: Hello, Jazz.

Will: Well, I guess I'm up next, guys.
Carlton: Will, I took the liberty of writing out a few humorous barbs that you might find useful. Listen and laugh. Did you hear what the snail said when he rode on the back of the turtle?
Will: No, Carlton, what?
Carlton: Whee! Now, you should use that one for your big finish. No, maybe you should try this one. Why did the turkey cross the road?
Hilary: I know I'm going to regret this, but why?
Carlton: Chicken's day off. [laughs] Eat your heart out, Rodney Dangerfield. Hey, I'm giving you gold here.
Will: See, Carlton, this is why people trip you in the halls.

Carlton: Oh, I don't get a good feeling about this place, Will.
Will: It's cool. I'll take care of it. [loudly] Uh, we ain't Black. We just got back from Hawaii.

Jazz: Crocket anyone?
Will: Jazz, you all right, man? You got a kind of a Clark Kent-Urkel thing jumping all over you.
Carlton: Actually, Will, he looks like me.
Will: Well, yeah, that's what I was saying.
Jazz: I'm all ready for my trip to college. About time, too. I spent eight years in high school.
Will: Jazz, Uncle Phil is going to be my chaperon and I don't think he wants you to come, buddy.
Jazz: Well, I guess I better return these stupid, funky clothes. Here, Carlton.