Vivian: If Geoffrey is interested, I don't see any harm in introducing him to a nice woman.
Philip: Oh, here she goes.
Will: Here what goes?
Philip: Your poor Aunt Vivian seems to think she's a matchmaker.
Carlton: In her mind, she's the Chuck Woolery of Bel-Air.
Vivian: It's not just my opinion, Carlton. When I was in college, I introduced three couples and they all got married.
Philip: And by your fifth reunion, they were all divorced.
Vivian: Look, I just get them to the altar. After that, they're on their own.

Will: Man! Yo, two hours at the mall, and I ain't get no girls.
Hilary: What did you expect? You went to the mall with girl-away there.
Will: For your information, Hilary, Jazz here happens to be the master when it comes to cracking on the girls. Yo, the boy is irresistible.
Hilary: Sure, maybe during a blackout.
Jazz: I'd love to get a hold of you during a blackout.
Hilary: Daddy.
[This time, Jazz knows what to expect so he stands up and walks towards the door as Uncle Phil follows him. Jazz is thrown out out of the house.]

Will: Could you put a hold on dinner, please? I'm trying to find Geoffrey a girl.
Carlton: The words "mission impossible" come to mind.
Ashley: I know someone.
Will: Really?
Ashley: Uh-huh. You know my friend Samantha?
Will: Um, Ashley, maybe I should explain some of the finer points of the law to you.

Geoffrey: You bellowed, Master William?
Will: I've been thinking about it, G. Straight up man, I'm not down with you being lonely on your birthday.
Geoffrey: But I shall be far from lonely, Master William. I shall be spending the evening with the glorious music of Sir William Schwenck Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan, not to mention David Frost.
Will: So far, I count you plus three guys. I just thought you might prefer a woman. I'm not making too big an assumption here, am l?
Geoffrey: As it happens, I like women just fine. But I think it's a bad idea for a butler to intertwine his private life with that of the family. Surely you gleaned that much from watching Mr. BeIvedere.

Carlton: This is from Ashley and me. Of course, I paid the lion's share.
Ashley: Happy birthday, Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: English Leather. English toffee. An English muffin.
Will: Yo, that sounds like my present, G, but I'll leave the unwrapping to you.
Carlton: Oh, Will, must you be so ribald?
Will: I'm not going to answer that until I have a lawyer and a dictionary present.

Hilary: So, Helen, what part of England are you from?
Geoffrey: Allow me, Miss Hilary. You can tell a lot from a person's accent. You're from London, of course.
Helen: Of course.
Geoffrey: I'm guessing West End.
Helen: Why, yes.
Geoffrey: Chilton Road?
Helen: That's right.
Geoffrey: Upstairs above Shrimpton & Son.
Helen: Close. One more block up, next to Bottomleys.
Geoffrey: Well, it has been a while.

Geoffrey: And to this day, it remains the largest rhino ever to be taken with a bow and arrow.
Helen: Geoffrey, this is fascinating. It's like going out with James Bond.
Geoffrey: You're not the first to have made that comparison.

Will: Well, Helen sure thinks so.
Geoffrey: Ah, she's certainly a hot little number. But I'm afraid she and I were mismatched.
Will: Ah, she was a little too young for you, huh?
Geoffrey: Quite the contrary. I am afraid I was a little too intimidating for the poor girl. She's looking for someone a little slower, a little less sophisticated.
Will: I could be slower. I'm sure I could be less sophisticated.
Geoffrey: She sensed that. Here's her phone number. She's expecting your call.
Will: [to camera] It isn't important that I got the date with Helen. The important thing is I learned to appreciate Geoffrey as a human being. And Geoffrey and I have a deeper relationship.
[Will knocks Geoffrey over as he rushes to grab the telephone]

All: Happy birthday, Geoffrey!
Geoffrey: Oh my, I'm so touched. May I get you anything?
Vivian: Geoffrey, don't be silly. You're always worried about pleasing us, but today it's Saturday, we're home and we're waiting on you.
Geoffrey: This is highly irregular.
Hilary: Geoffrey, I don't want to hear it. Today, we're your butlers. Here's breakfast in bed. Is there anything else you would like?
Geoffrey: Um, a spot of tea.
Hilary: Carlton.
Carlton: Will.
Will: Ashley.
Ashley: Hilary.

Will: Yo, yo, yo, I got it. I know what I'm getting G for his birthday.
Vivian: What?
Will: Here, let me give you a hint. [saunters across the living room]
Philip: Little Richard?
Will: Ooh, shut up. No, no, no.