Will: People, people, please. I do not want to hear your dirty laundry. Geoffrey deserves a woman interested in a serious, long-lasting relationship. And I know exactly where to find her. The mall.

Carlton: In honor of Geoffrey's birthday, we are preparing an incredible feast.
Ashley: Beef Stroganoff, Potatoes au Gratin, and Apple Brown Betty.
Vivian: It sounds delicious. When will it be ready?
Carlton: In 55 seconds. Just tell us when to zap it.

Will: So how long has this nanny been in America?
Ashley: Two weeks.
Will: Perfect. A lonely woman, new to our country she probably won't even notice what a Melvin Geoffrey is. Yo, Geoffrey. Ashley, you go invite her. The rest of y'all beat it.

Will: But, G, there's this nice old British nanny that Ashley knows she really wants to go out with you.
Geoffrey: Sorry, Master William.
Will: But Ashley already invited her.
Geoffrey: What?
Will: I told her that was a little pushy, but you know kids.
Geoffrey: This is just regrettable.
Will: I mean, come on, it ain't so bad, G. I mean, it's your patriotic duty to show your countrywoman a good time. G, don't do it for yourself. Do it for the King.
Geoffrey: Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint King Elizabeth.

Ashley: Helen, I'd like you to meet Geoffrey.
Geoffrey: Charmed.
Helen: Geoffrey, it's nice to meet you. From the children's description, I thought you'd be much older.
Geoffrey: Ditto.

Ashley: [to Helen] And this is my mom, my dad Hilary, Will, and Carlton.
Carlton: [pushes Will aside] You can call me Tony.
Will: [pulls Carlton back] What are you trying to pull here, Tony the Tiger?
Carlton: I didn't start it. Did you see the way she looked at me?
Will: Share the fantasy, Carlton.
Carlton: I was just trying to be friendly.
Will: Hey, look, well park your welcome wagon elsewhere. That's Geoffrey's date.
Carlton: She'll be dancing with him, but she'll be thinking of me.

Will: So, Helen, I'm Will. Welcome to our humble crib.
Helen: Oh, Ashley, this must be that houseboy you were telling me about.
Ashley: That's homeboy.
Helen: Oh, sorry.

Vivian: I am so glad you could make it tonight, Helen. This is working out just beautifully. The two of you look so wonderful together.
Philip: How many lives do you have to ruin, Vivian?

Jazz: Hey, beautiful, I see you've come to make up.
Hilary: What's with the Band-Aid? Was your brain leaking?
Jazz: I hit the pavement kind of hard when your dad threw me out of the house. You could call it a love scar.
Hilary: Perhaps I haven't been clear in the past. I don't like talking to you. I don't even like seeing you. So please, just go away.
Jazz: I love a flirt.

Hilary: Will, what are you doing here? Leave Geoffrey and Helen alone.
Will: Hilary, Hilary, what do you think I am? I came down here merely to hang out with my good friend Jazz.
Hilary: Well, while you're here at it, hose him down. Oh, I got to run. There's Demi Moore's cable man.