Hilary: We're home, everybody.
Eric: Good evening, Mrs. Banks, Mr. Banks. My, how wonderful it is to see the whole family spending time together. I thought that only happened on The Cosby Show.
Philip: Oh, Eric, son, you're back early.
Eric: You know me, sir. I wouldn't want to violate your curfew.
Will: Ain't his curfew he's worried about you violating.
Eric: Oh, you must be Carlton. Your father really speaks highly of all of you at the law firm.
Will: No, my man. I'm Will.
Eric: Who?

Philip: Eric, I don't know what it is but you look a little different this evening.
Hilary: I made him take off those tired glasses.
Philip: She thinks I look like Blair Underwood without them.
Will: Obviously, Hilary's the one that needs the glasses.

Philip: I brought a video home. Would anybody care to watch?
Carlton: Great, Dad. I hope it's a James Bond film.
Philip: Close. It's Banks, Philip Banks. When I won the Markus v. State of California case.
Vivian: Honey, I'm sorry, I'd love to watch but I have to balance my checkbook.
Ashley: Not without your banker.
Hilary: I'd watch it with you but... I don't want to.
Eric: Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, Mr. Banks. Now, from what I studied about the case in law school you were brilliant.
Philip: Yeah, I was quite a litigator in those days. Now it's a rare thing.

Hilary: I happen to like him. He knows how to treat a woman with respect.
Will: Yeah, that reminds me, I need a back seat for my date tomorrow night. Which means I'm gonna need the car. So give me the keys.
Carlton: Tough luck, Will. I have a meeting with my debate team.
Hilary: Sorry, Carlton, but I have to buy a dress.
Will: Hold up, Hilary. That is not fair the way you keep hogging the car.
Hilary: Okay, okay, I'll compromise with you guys. Let's play rock-paper-scissors.
Will: No, let's play Three Stooges. Hey, Moe!
Carlton: Come on, guys. All right, you ready? All right, ready, set, shoot. Well, scissors cut paper, Will.
Hilary: Well, rock breaks your scissors, Carlton.
Will: Wait, hold it.
Hilary: No, you lost fair and square, Will. Looks like you're out of luck. Carlton, I'll drop you off.
Will: Now, hold it. Don't paper get nothing?
Carlton: Paper gets to ride his bike.

Hilary: Could we please have some privacy?
Jazz: First things first, you're supposed to be my woman. I'd like an explanation, if you please.
Eric: Okay, well, I'm Eric. How you doing? [extends his hand, but Jazz doesn't shake it] [sniffs] Suddenly, I'm hungry for some fried chicken. Come on, Hilary, let's get something to eat.
Will: Wait, hold up, my brother, you got this in reverse, man. You already got her on the couch. Save your money.
Hilary: Let me grab my wrap.
Jazz: What about my rap?

Will: Damn, Eric. Didn't you see me backing out the driveway?
Eric: Oh, I don't believe this. Your piece of junk just backed into the custom fender of a $35,000 automobile, pal. You're gonna have to turn in a lot of soda cans to pay for that.
Jazz: Hey, I got a whole living room full of soda cans.
Will: Oh, man, I don't believe this. Lookit, man, this thing used to say "cold chilling." Now it says "old chili."
Eric: Look, what's the name of your insurance company?
Will: Yo' fault. Look, I don't have none and I don't need none 'cause it's your fault.
Eric: Hilary, can I use your phone, please?
Hilary: Yeah, go ahead.
Will: It better be a local call, too.

Eric: Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Banks. Mr. Banks, I have a little problem, I need some advice.
Vivian: I'll meet you upstairs, pooky-pooh.
Philip: All right, son. Make it quick.
Eric: Well, sir, what would you do if you got into a fender-bender with an acquaintance who is uninsured and refuses to pay for damages?
Philip: Eric, you're a lawyer. And as a lawyer, you can't let personal feelings enter into it. Now, anybody who drives a car without insurance deserves a lesson. I suggest you take him to court and let justice prevail.
Eric: Thank you, sir.

Philip: I can't believe this. Eric is taking me to court.
Carlton: Can he do that?
Philip: Well, Will is a minor. I am his legal guardian.
Will: Whoa, hold it, wait. Let me get this straight. I buy a car, I don't get insurance, I get in a wreck, and you get sued?
Philip: That's right, Will.
Will: Man, works for me.

Eric: Now, were there mitigating circumstances that facilitated the perpetrator to commit any malfeasance?
Hilary: I wouldn't put it in those words, exactly.
Eric: Well, why not?
Hilary: Because I don't know what they mean. All I remember was loud music and something that smelled like cheap cologne and fried chicken.
Eric: Loud music? Loud enough to drown out the sound of my horn, Miss Banks?
Hilary: Yes.
Eric: You see, Your Honor, if my own passenger could not hear my horn then it was impossible for Will Smith to hear it. Which is why my numerous warnings went unheeded and he continued to accelerate. That, and that alone, Your Honor caused the extensive damage to my honey wagon. I mean my car, sir.

Judge Wilson: Would you like to cross-examine, Mr. Banks?
Philip: Yes, Your Honor. Miss Banks.
Hilary: Daddy.
Philip: Do you mind if I ask what Mr. Sanders was wearing the night of the accident?
Hilary: Eric was wearing his fabulous stonewashed Girbaud jeans, that I picked out, of course. A Hugo Boss shirt, and leather boots.
Philip: And on his face?
Hilary: Nothing. Oh, you mean those awful glasses? No, I made him take those off before we left the house.
Philip: So you're saying that Mr. Sanders was not wearing his glasses even though this Photostat of his license clearly states that he should wear them at all times while operating a vehicle.
Hilary: Oopsy.
Philip: I rest my case, Your Honor.
Judge Wilson: Case dismissed.
Will: All right. Hey, yo, yo, yo. Your J-ship, my number's in your file. Get with me sometime.
Judge Wilson: Peace out.