Aunt Helen: Go away.
Philip: [o.s.] Open the door, Helen. It's Philip.
Aunt Helen: I'd give him a blast of pepper spray but I'm afraid he'd just eat it.

Ashley: I think it's so romantic, Dad going to get Mom.
Hilary: It's like in that movie where after a big fight, the wife stays with her sister and the next day the husband buys her something expensive and she returns home.
Will: Hil, that's not a movie, that's what happened.
Hilary: Oh, well, someone should make a movie of it.

Hilary: I am having a terrible day. John Felipe canceled my hair appointment, Kim Cho chipped one of my nails, Moishe ran out of potato latkes and I can see Jose didn't cut the grass.
Will: Hilary, your parents just broke up.
Hilary: Oh, great. On top of it all, now I'm an orphan?
Ashley: Hilary, you're 27.
Hilary: I know. No one adopts anyone over 9.

Philip: Mm. Mm-mm-mm. Dinner smells delicious. What do you have in that pot?
Geoffrey: Boiling water, sir.
Philip: No one boils water like you, Geoffrey.
Philip: Anyone check the mail?
Geoffrey: It's on the counter, sir.
Philip: Ah, this modern communications, you mail something off yesterday and it's here today. Boy, there are all kinds of ways to keep in touch. Any messages for me?
Geoffrey: No messages.
Philip: Oh, and why should there be? There's always someone here to answer the phone. Any calls for me?
Geoffrey: Well, there was one.
Philip: Yes, I knew it. So who was it?
Geoffrey: Your skirt steaks are down at the depot. They'll be here by morning.

Philip: Has your Aunt Viv called?
Will: Yeah, she called a little while ago.
Philip: [chuckles] And what does she have to say about me, huh?
Will: [chuckles] Nothing.
Philip: "Nothing," nothing? She didn't even mention my name?
Will: Oh, well, yeah, she mentioned your name.
Philip: Well, what'd she say?
Will: Oh, yeah, it was completely out of context.
Philip: Well, tell me. Tell me.
Will: Well, she said, "Did you talk to your mom back in Phil-adelphia?"

Aunt Helen: Vivian, girl, you watching a talk show? Please, the Bulls are playing.
Vivian: The Bulls? Since when are you a sports enthusiast?
Aunt Helen: Child, please. Since Michael Jordan went back to the NBA and started wearing them shorts again. Ah! Look at those buns. Booyah!

Nicky: Daddy.
Philip: [laughs] How you doing, buddy? You having a good time here at your Aunt Helen's?
Nicky: Yeah. She's teaching me all kinds of cool stuff, fat-head.
Aunt Helen: [laughs] Honey. Honey, please. You mustn't repeat things Aunt Helen tell you. [laughs] Come on. Let's go upstairs and watch the game.

Ashley: Can you imagine if they never got back together?
[Ashley's fantasy: an older, heavier Ashley wearing her food court uniform:]
Ashley: Has anybody seen my hat? Where the hell is my hat? Dad? You're not hiding my hat so I have to stay home again, are you?
Philip: Oh, do you really have to go to work? I'm lonely.
Ashley: Yes, Dad. And what are you doing out of your room?
Philip: I wanna hear another story.
Ashley: Okay. You wanna hear another story. Once upon a time a little girl could've been a supermodel but her parents got divorced and she lost it all. The end. Wanna hear another?
Philip: No. No. Save something for tonight. Can't you stay a few more minutes?
Ashley: I could if the car wasn't repossessed and if I didn't have to walk to work.
Philip: Exercise would do you good.
Ashley: Was that a fat joke?

[Geoffrey's fantasy: he is laying on the couch being fanned by a young, scantily-clad woman]
Geoffrey: Would you care for something to drink?
Woman: Yes, please.
Philip: You rang, Master Geoffrey?
Geoffrey: What took you so long? Two more, please, Philip. Fluff those cushions.
Philip: Yes.
Geoffrey: Dust the bookshelf. Clean the bathroom upstairs. Shine the mirror. Straighten the pictures. Tidy the plants. Get me a rose.

[Carlton's fantasy: front-pages of The Bel-Air Gazette: "President-Elect Banks Embroiled in Bel-Air Gate Scandal", "President's Son Comes Under Fire"]
Carlton: For the love of God, man, shred, shred, shred. If I could just figure out who's been leaking all this to the press. It must be an inside job. Geoffrey, keep shredding.
Geoffrey: Yes, sir.
Philip: Carlton.
Carlton: Oh, don't worry, Big Guy, I'm taking care of our little problem.
Philip: Our little problem? [chuckles] Son, what were you thinking?
Carlton: What was I thinking? I told you everything I was doing. You were involved every step of the way.
Philip: I have no recollection of the event in question.
Carlton: No recollection? It was all for you. Ever since Mom left, it's all been for you.
Philip: I have no recollection of the event in question. [chuckles as Carlton rings his neck]