‘Substitute’
Season 6, Episode 19 - Aired April 21, 2004
After Eric accidentally injures Mitch (Seth Green) while the guys play minigolf, he invites Mitch to join the gang in the basement. Meanwhile, Bob asks Jackie's mom, Pamela (Brooke Shields), to move in with him.
Quote from Kelso
Kelso: Excellent Fruity Pebbles. You know, at the police academy they'll only give me corn flakes, 'cause they say the sugar gets me too hopped up to carry a weapon. I guess what they weren't counting on was me taking my weapon home for the weekend.
Quote from Bob
Donna: Hey, Dad. How you doing?
Bob: How do you think I'm doing? Pam ripped out my heart and stomped on it in shoes I paid for.
Donna: Well, do you want to go down to the pet store and look at puppies? You could sing "How Much Is that Doggie in the Window"? And I'll do the "Arf! Arf!" part.
Bob: Nah, I'm gonna watch Love Boat. I think the big guy in the shorts is finally gonna nail the girl with the clipboard.
Kelso: [chuckles] Yeah! I'm sorry. That's the sugar.
Quote from Donna
[circle:]
Donna: [with Eric] Okay, Kelso, truth or dare?
Kelso: [with Fez] Truth.
Donna: [o.s.] Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?
Kelso: I mean, dare.
Fez: You have snuck in there. I was there and I saw you. I mean, dare.
Jackie: [with Hyde] Okay, Steven, truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be telling me that you love me.
Hyde: Okay. [sighs] Pass.
Mitch: [alone] Okay, Mitch, truth or dare? I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch, I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps] Mitch, naughty Mitch.
Donna: Mitch, you goofball, that's not how it works. You have to be like, "I dare you to kiss me."
Mitch: Okay. [lunges at Donna]
Eric: What the hell!
Kelso: He did it!
Fez: Look at him go. He's like a hummingbird.
Quote from Fez
Eric: God, I can't believe Mitch would do that. He just flew at you like one of the little monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I was scared.
Kelso: Much like you are when you watch The Wizard of Oz.
Eric: Okay, look, I don't want Mitch hanging out here anymore.
Donna: He was just fooling around. He didn't mean anything by it. It's like Fez. He's all over me all the time, but it doesn't mean he's after me.
Fez: Oh, yes, it does. Uh, from now on, I'll try to be clearer.
Quote from Fez
Fez: Fore!
Hyde: Whoa! Watch out!
Eric: Parking lot! [glass shatters]
Kelso: Eh, it was just a Pinto.
Hyde: Fez, this is Putt-Putt. Your choices are putt or putt.
Quote from Eric
Mitch: Hey, what the hell? Oh, Forman. Yeah, I should've known it was you guys. Most people that come here can't hit the ball that hard on account of they're in kindergarten.
Eric: Mitch, congratulations. This seems like the perfect job for someone your size, what with the free lodging and the little castle on hole six.
Mitch: Yeah, there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.
Kelso: Yeah, the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.
Mitch: Look, just quit hitting the ball that hard or you guys are out of here.
Eric: What are you... No. God, I hate that guy. Tear him a new hole-in-one.
Hyde: Wow, Forman, I haven't seen you this pissed since I chased you around your house with that spider in a jar. You were like, "Hyde, I swear to God!" Then you never did anything.
Eric: Yeah? I'm about to do something.
[After Eric hits the mini golf ball, it strikes a windmill fixture and ricochets back and hits Mitch on the head]
Quote from Eric
Mitch: Forman, why are we always fighting? I can't even remember how we got this way.
Hyde: I think a chick said that to me once.
Fez: No, that was me.
Mitch: Don't you think that we should be friends?
Eric: Okay, well, you... You're obviously having some kind of reaction to your medications. We're just gonna go.
[Mitch groans as he repeatedly pokes his head wound]
Eric: You know, Mitch, if you ever want to come hang out in the basement, you know...
Mitch: Really? Thanks. I'd smile, but the left side of my face is kind of paralyzed.
Quote from Eric
Mitch: Hey, Eric.
Eric: Mitch.
Mitch: I can't believe you got a hold of the Darth Vader with the green light saber. Pew, pew, pew.
Eric: What? No, no, it's... [imitates buzzing sound] What a geek.
Quote from Red
Jackie: Mom, would you please stop playing with his hair? You don't know where it's been.
Donna: I think a good dinnertime policy might be everybody feeds and grooms themselves.
Kitty: Oh, oh! And speaking of grooming, Pamela, I noticed that your skirt was torn all the way up to your thigh.
Pamela: No, I actually bought it this way. See, most skirts are only slit up to the knee, but I think people want to see more than that.
Red: Hear, hear! [off Kitty's look] Here comes the waiter.
Quote from Bob
Bob: I'm glad you're all here to help me celebrate this very special time with this very special lady.
Pamela: Oh, Bob, it means a lot to me that you realize how special I am.
Bob: I do. That's why I want to ask you to move in with me.
Jackie: Oh, my God.
Donna: What?
Pamela: Gosh, Bob, that's really sweet and I'd really love to, but I'm seeing someone else. Sorry.
Red: But you'll still come visit, right?