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That '70s Show: Kiss of Death

220. Kiss of Death

Aired March 20, 2000

Eric lies to Donna after he accidentally runs over her cat. Kelso tries to finally end things with Laurie so he can be with Jackie. Meanwhile, Fez ends up in the hospital with a burst appendix.

Quote from Red

Red: You know, it's amazing how you always manage to pull the car right up to the garage, but not actually into it.
Eric: Yup. Takes a keen eye and a sure foot.
Red: How would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?

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Quote from Fez

Fez: If I was stranded on a desert island with only one form of cheese, no question, it would have to be the puff.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Donna, we're supposed to be friends. Would it have killed you to say, "I know you love him, but Michael's a jerk"?
Donna: Jackie, I think my exact words were, "I know you love him, but Michael's a jerk." So... have you seen Kelso since...?
Jackie: No. I mean, he's a liar and a cheater. Ugh, maybe that's how all guys are.
Donna: I know how you feel. Like, it's bad enough what Eric did to Mr. Bonkers. Then he lied to me.
Jackie: Yeah. Eric put off telling you something because he didn't want to hurt you. Whoo! That is so much worse than cheating on you with another woman. Oh, wait. No, it's not!
Donna: Oh. Wow. I guess Eric was just trying to be nice. Maybe I'm overreacting.
Jackie: Look. Let me tell you something, Donna. Until goody-goody Eric cheats on you with your stupid dead cat, I suggest you shut up.

Quote from Donna

Donna: All right. well, from now on, no more secrets.
Eric: Oh! God, then I guess I have to come clean. Okay. In first grade, behind your back, I used to call you "Donna Pinch-my-Butty."
Donna: Well, you know, Eric, that's okay. 'Cause I was the first one to call you "Eric Foreskin."
Eric: You started that?
Donna: Yeah.
Eric: That's not funny. That one stuck.
Donna: Oh, shut up, Foreskin.

Quote from Fez

Kelso: Man, we're so back in love.
Hyde: I remember when it was all, "You're an idiot, Michael!" And, "Whoa, what'd I do?" Good times.
Kelso: Sorry, man, but I love her.
Fez: [quietly] Yes, but you don't deserve her, you son of a bitch.
Kelso: What?
Fez: I said... Uh, "Good cheese puffs, you son of a bitch."

Quote from Fez

[hospital scene filmed in a circle:]
Eric: So, Fez, my mom says your appendix has to come out. Man, you must be in tons of pain.
Fez: Whee! Cheese puffs out, pain pills in.
Eric: Fez loves his pills.
Kelso: Boy, I wish there was a pill I could take. Get rid of my pain. A forget-about-Jackie pill.
Hyde: Hell, if they made that pill, I'd take it. Kelso, man, this is what you get for tryin' to do the right thing.
Fez: Want to know a secret? I'm not wearing anything under my dress. Look.
Eric: Whoa! Put that away! Yeah. Man, it... It just sucks when you try to do the right thing. And then she yells at you for killing her cat.
Kelso: Eric, you don't know how lucky you are. I would give anything to be able to tell Jackie I killed her cat.
Hyde: Nothin' sadder than when two people break up. Except this time, when it's funny.
Fez: By the way, Eric... If your mom ever says, "Ready for your catheter?" The answer is no.

Quote from Midge

Bob: [enters] Hey there, ho there, hi there. What's goin' on?
Donna: Why don't you ask the man who murdered our cat?
Eric: No! No! That's... No, I didn't murder your cat. It was... He climbed under my car. It was a total accident.
Midge: Well, I should hope so, because what did he ever do to you?

Quote from Eric

Eric: Why don't I pull the car in? [drives car forward] What the...
Red: You're movin' it a foot, and you hit somethin'. Jeez.
Eric: Oh, God. No! It's... It's Mr. Bonkers.
Red: Wow. That is one dead cat.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: You know who's my little cheese puff? Jackie.
Jackie: Oh, Michael, you're so cute.
Kelso: You're cute.
Jackie: Cuter.
Kelso: Cutest.
Hyde: All right. All right. You guys gotta shut up before I blow cheese puff chunks.
Jackie: All right, Michael, I'll see you tonight at 8:00.
Kelso: Okay.
Jackie: I'll be counting the minutes.
Kelso: Can't you just use a clock?

Quote from Kelso

Laurie: Hey, Kelso. I thought we'd get together tonight, so take a shower, okay?
Kelso: Laurie, I'm... I'm seeing Jackie tonight.
Laurie: Oh, that's so sweet. Uh, no. I'll see you at 8:00.
Kelso: But...
Laurie: You heard me.
Kelso: Damn. My second girlfriend is such a drag. This is bad, man.
Fez: Yes, but only for you. Cheese puff?

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