Red: Steven, I've noticed that every day you come home from the record store tired and irritable, and I just want to say, "Welcome to life."

Kitty: So, what's new in the world of rock 'n' roll? 'Cause this cool cat wants the skinny on the bebop, maestro.
Hyde: Uh, well, tomorrow we have Tom Jones coming in for a record signing at the store.
Kitty: Tom Jones! I love him! Oh, and the way he shakes his hips. [laughs] It just... It makes me feel all nervous and embarrassed. Boy, that sounds like fun.
Red: Fun for you, maybe. You're a middle-aged woman.
Kitty: What?
Red: Don't "what" me. The average lifespan is 72, so if you're older than 36, which you are, then, by definition, you're middle-aged. Discussion over.
Kitty: Okay, when you're right, you're right.
Hyde: Wow.
Red: I win an argument every six years or so.

Donna: Mr. Randall, down at the radio station, wants me to host a live remote from Hyde's record store when Tom Jones is there. And to promote it, they want to put me on a billboard wearing this. [holds up tiny bikini]
Eric: That's just good radio.
Donna: Well, I'm not wearing it. I should be valued for my voice and music knowledge, not my body, no matter how smoking it is.
Kelso: There you go again with your "women should be valued for their minds" gobbledygook.
Jackie: Donna, women should be valued for their looks. Men should be valued for their cars, and foreigners should be valued for their ability to sweep.
Fez: Hey, hey. We also drive a mean taxi.

Kelso: Hey, Angie, when Tom Jones gets here, you're not gonna throw your underpants at him, are you?
Angie: Michael, you know I don't wear underwear.
Hyde: Come on, man, you're my sister.
Kelso: I just told her to say that to gross you out. Burn!
Hyde: Yeah, you got me.
Kelso: Besides, I happen to know that she does wear underwear. Sometimes she lets me take them off for her. Boomerang burn!

Kitty: I feel terrible. I think it's the flu.
Eric: Okay, now is this the real flu or the Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante flu?
Kitty: Now I'm gonna miss Tom Jones this afternoon, and I wanted his autograph so badly. Red, I was thinking maybe...
Red: No.
Kitty: You know, if you were sick and Joe DiMaggio was signing footballs, I'd get an autograph for you.
Eric: Mom, Joe DiMaggio played baseball. That'd be like me saying G.I. Joe has a karate grip. What a nerd I'd be.

Kitty: So, Steven, how was Tom Jones?
Hyde: Who knows? He never even...
Red: Wanted to leave. You know, Tom loves his fans. I was just telling Kitty how I had to chase down his limo to get her an autograph.
Hyde: Mrs. Forman, it was fantastic. You should have seen Red running after Tom's limo, screaming like a little girl. "Tom! Tom!"
Red: All right, all right. That's enough bragging.
Kitty: Well, and that is why I am making this meatball hero for my meaty hero of a husband.
Bob: [enters] Hiya, Red. You were smart not to stick around. I waited five hours. Tom Jones never showed up.
Kitty: Never showed up? If Tom Jones never showed up, who signed this autograph?
Red: I can't lie to you. It was Julio Iglesias.

Donna: Sarah's only been interning for a week, but the deejays have already let her talk on the air, and they gave her a really cool nickname, Sizzling Sarah.
Fez: Oh, that's terrific.
Kelso: That's onomatopoeia. That's good.
Eric: It rhymes.
Sarah: It is so fun. Everyone at the station's been super nice, especially the older men. Excuse me. I'll be right back. This girl is great.
Donna: This girl is great. [Sarah goes to the bathroom] That girl is a bitch. She's Sizzling Sarah in one week? It took me six months of sorting records to become Hot Donna. Six months.
Kelso: Uh, no, actually, you've been Hot Donna since the fifth grade when you started cultivating that melon patch.
Fez: Don't tell her about the melon patch. Now she knows our secret code.
Donna: Sizzling Sarah. I don't even know why they hired her. She's music illiterate. When I asked her if she liked The Police, she was like, "No, I prefer firemen."

Hyde: Donna, who cares if she knows about music? The girl is freaking hot.
Kelso: Yeah, Donna, what you've yet to realize is that life is a beauty contest. I mean, you got your job because you're hot, and now a new hot girl is coming and taking your place. It's survival of the juggiest.
Donna: No, I got my job because I know music.
Kelso: Yeah, that's why your on-air nickname is "Music-knowing Donna."

Eric: Look, Donna, your problem is you've got too much going on. I mean, the less you have going on, the less you have to worry about. Look at me. I've got nothing going on and I've got nothing to worry about.
Donna: Except your future.
Eric: Eh.

Eric: [giggles]
Hyde: Would you please quit giggling?
Eric: Sorry, man. I'm listening to George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words You Can't Say on Radio and Television. Man, he just keeps saying them over and over again. [laughs] Potty mouth.