Eric: Hey, you guys, you know who was crazy? This camp counselor I once had who used to make everyone do turbo sit-ups. But he'd put a towel over your face, and then when you went to do the sit-up-
Donna: He'd pull the towel away, and you'd have to put your face in his butt.
Eric: Donna, you stole the funny part.
Donna: Well, Eric, I've heard it like eight times. Okay, I'm sorry. Tell the story again. I'll laugh.
Eric: But it'll be fake though, right?
Donna: Oh, yeah.
Eric: Okay, guys, I once had this camp counselor...

Kelso: [runs in] Oh, my God, you guys. The Petersons just got a new dog. [silence] Let's go! [runs out]

Kitty: Okay, Michael, Steven, you're in charge of bingo. And, Eric, I thought you could run the cakewalk.
Eric: Sure. What's cakewalk?
Red: It's cake and walking. What are you, on dope?

Pastor Dave: Hiya, gang.
Eric, Kelso & Hyde: Hi, Pastor Dave.
Pastor Dave: Say, God's Magic Circle... That sounds like an Eric Clapton song, doesn't it, kids?
Eric, Kelso & Hyde: Yes, Pastor Dave.
Pastor Dave: Rock on, kids.
Eric, Kelso & Hyde: Rock on, Pastor Dave.

Glen: For the love of God, let my wife win the cake.
Eric: Well, it's in the hands of the Lord now, sir. Okay, everyone, get ready for another exciting round of cakewalk. [music resumes]
Glen: Would you believe she was once the sweetest most beautiful girl in high school?
Eric: Of course she was.
Glen: A word of advice, kid. Never marry your high school sweetheart.
Eric: Why not?
Iris: Oh, that's it, Glen. Just keep slouching. You're not mousy enough.
Glen: That's why.

Red: Hey, that's a craps table.
Pastor Dave: Yep. Except here it's called "cripes." Would you like to be the next holy roller?
Red: Are you kidding? Next to prayer, craps is my favorite thing about church.
Pastor Dave: Well, enjoy yourself. I gotta go check out the Last Supper bake sale. Free cupcakes for anyone who doesn't deny the Lord!

Eric: That's Donna.
Glen: Oh, look at that. A carrot top, huh? Ah, that's great, kid. Just great. You know, I was a lot like you: a milky-white loser with a cheap haircut and less muscle tone than a canned ham.
Eric: Okay, first of all, Glen, I'm wiry, okay?
Glen: Yeah, I was dating the hottest looking girl in the school. Thought I had it made.
Eric: So what happened?
Glen: I don't know really. One day we just realized that she had heard all of my stories and I had heard all of her stories and, well, that's when she stopped being nice and started eating.
Eric: Oh, God, Donna eats.
Glen: Better watch it there, kid. It starts small. A few wise-ass comments, and then they're puttin' you down in front of your friends.
[flashback bubble:]
Eric: Donna, you stole the funny part.
Donna: Well, Eric, I've heard it like eight times.
[present:]
Glen: Then before you know it, you're praying for death. [chuckles] Either hers or yours. Either way, at least it's quiet.
Eric: You really brought me down, man.
Glen: Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, I do that.

Caroline: You guys are so much fun to hang out with.
Jackie: We really are.
Caroline: So what does Cosmo say about me? I'm a Gemini.
Donna: Um, okay, the twins. Two people trapped in one body. So you're like a split personality.
Caroline: If you ever say that again, I'll kill you. [laughs] I'm kidding. You guys, I'm psycho, remember? Whoo-hoo!
Donna: Wow, that was... That was really good. I almost wet myself.

Jackie: All right. All right. Enough small talk. So, is Fez, like, an amazing kisser?
Caroline: Jackie, don't make me blush.
Donna: No, she's only asking because when she kissed him, he did this thing with his tongue.
Caroline: You kissed Fez?
Jackie: Oh, my God. It was so nothing. He had this stupid crush on me.
Caroline: [screams] Shut up! [pants] If either of you ever touch my boyfriend, I will hunt you down like animals.
Understand?
Donna: [laughs]
Jackie: [laughs]
Donna: You're kidding, right?
Caroline: [laughs] You're kidding, right! I'll scratch your big, dumb eyes out! Got it? [exits]
Donna: Oh, my God.
Jackie: I know. Her nails are beautiful.

Pastor Dave: I just wanted to thank you once again for doing such a wonderful job, Kitty.
Kitty: Well, I'll tell you, Pastor Dave it feels so good to get out of the house and do something important.
Pastor Dave: You know who else got out of the house and did something important? Jesus.
Kitty: And lucky for us he did.