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‘Holy Craps!’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

That '70s Show: Holy Craps!

320. Holy Craps!

Aired April 17, 2001

Kitty asks Eric, Red, Kelso and Hyde to help out at a church fundraiser. Meanwhile, Donna and Jackie spend time with Fez's girlfriend, Caroline.

Quote from Red

Red: Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead here to help her then you're going to help her.
Hyde: You're Jughead.
Kelso: [scoffs] You're Jughead.
Hyde: You're so Jughead, it's not even debatable.
Kelso: You are so- Ow!
Red: Steven, stop hitting Jughead.
Hyde: See?

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Quote from Fez

Caroline: No, see, Fez, Bazooka Joe wanted to see time fly so Mort threw the clock out the window. So time flew. Get it?
Fez: Did the clock break?
Caroline: I don't know. That's not really the point.
Fez: It's still a pretty big waste of a clock.

Quote from Hyde

Donna: Yeah, I know. I really like Caroline.
Jackie: Me too. She's nice.
Hyde: For a psycho.
Fez: Hyde, take that back.
Hyde: [hissing] ... Psycho.
Fez: You are a gifted mime. But that hurts.
Donna: Hyde, Caroline's not a psycho. You just don't get women. We have emotions. We're ruled by the moon and the tides.
Jackie: And pretty clothes.
Donna: Yeah, we should hang out with her, you know, make her feel welcome.
Hyde: Yeah, you can never have too many friends. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you don't.

Quote from Red

Kitty: Okay, now, I have work assignments for everyone. Red, you're selling raffle tickets.
Red: I'm your man.
Kitty: And don't yell at the customers.
Red: I'm kinda your man.
Kitty: And smile.
Red: You need another man.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: We gotta win the Rock'em Sock'em Robots. I mean, these are the most technologically advanced of all the plastic, spring-loaded boxing robots.
Hyde: Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky.
Kelso: Or... we could cheat.
Hyde: Kelso, man, you're willing to cheat? Here in the house of the Lord? You're coming along nicely.
Kelso: Yeah, I mean, it's not that bad. Because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord. And I'll bet he never comes down here.
Hyde: Yeah, good point. Plus what old lady wants Rock'em Sock'em Robots or a box of Pop Rocks or a SuperBall?
Kelso: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they could hurt themselves. You give the elderly Pop Rocks, and they could get all foamy and stroke out.
Hyde: So we're helping.
Kelso: We're helping.

Quote from Eric

[fantasy: a balding, middle-aged Eric is at the table when an overweight, middle-aged Donna sits down and smokes a cigarette:]
Eric: Oh, hey, did I tell you-
Donna: Heard it! Who ate the last doughnut?
Eric: I did.
Donna: Son of a bitch.
Eric: You ate the first 11!
Donna: Oh, shut up! [coughs]
Eric: No, I won't. I weigh 80 pounds. Look at you! Do you know why I'm bald? My body is eating its own hair!

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: I ask for one day of help, and this is what I get?
Eric: Um, yeah.
Kitty: Oh, wonderful. I started out in-in God's Magic Circle and ended up in Satan's Evil Square. I can't believe any of you can walk into a church without bursting into flames.

Quote from Red

Eric: Wow. You and Mom. You were- You were fighting, and then you just made up. And you guys have been married for like a million years. It fills my heart with hope.
Red: That's it. You're going in the army.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: So, everyone enjoying dinner? [all muttering] Good. Now, um, I want to talk to everyone about helping me with the church fund-raiser. [Red, Kelso, Hyde and Eric try to flee] Freeze. Okay, so- [laughs] God's Magic Circle is our church's women's auxiliary and I volunteered to help organize their next fund-raiser.
Eric: And bravo, I say. Bra...vo. [stands up] Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have to attend a meeting. [Kitty blocks Eric's path] It's, uh- It's very important, so... Okay. [Eric sits down again]
Kitty: Now, as you all know, um, I'm stuck in a rut. [laughs] And, um, I'd really- l-I just need to get out of the house and-and experience new things.
Eric: But, Mom, I think you should-
Kitty: And I want your support which, by the way, I always give you Mr. "I want to be a jazz guitarist." [Hyde and Kelso laugh]

Quote from Red

Red: Hey. This is important to her and we should support her for this. So you guys'll help out.
Kitty: Well, thank you, Red. And you're coming too.
Red: Oh, no, Kitty. I, uh... I have a meeting. With you at church.
Eric: Nice save, Dad.
Red: Shut up.

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